Tag Archives: National Anthem

My 100% True Treatise On My American Patriotism

I was born in Colorado,

Learned my talkin’ in Kentucky,

Grew up in Northwest Washington

Which, although American, is Canucky.

Now a man who makes a living

Rhyming mediocre comedy

I lie in bed listening to the sounds

Of patriotic hymns from Ireland.

My heart’s in Limerick,

My mind’s in Dublin,

My eyes see Antrims and see Galways!

I am in a kilt

(Yes, I know that’s Scotland)

And I’ll praise green, white, and orange for always!

Then the youtube algorithm

Plays me “God Defend New Zealand”

And the Maori spirit rips the kilt away

And I walk with hobbits in the free land!

Misty mountains, patriotic,

Connect two hemispheres within me…

That’s until I hear the opening chords

Of the Russian anthem start to win me.

Now Haggis, Borscht, Poutine, and Kiwis

Are all chicken-fried in my spirit

And I only wish that the Star-Spangled Banner

Were a song that made me want to hear it.

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The Placelandian National Anthem

Placelandia! We celebrate

The nation that is not a state,

The place where politicians come to die!

Where residents have common sense

And our plan for national defense

Is not to be a dick to folks nearby.

Placelandia! We celebrate

Our lack (so far) of Watergate

Or other nasty scandals of that kind.

Where citizens think differently

And something backs our currency;

A country built with happiness in mind.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

A nation that can safely be ignored.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

Where drama-seeking tourists will be bored.

Placelandia! We celebrate

That here nice guys can get a date

And nobody is told they must comply.

Where everybody owns a Glock

And Fox exec Rupert Murdoch

Would not have had to cancel Firefly.

Placelandia! We celebrate

A place mostly devoid of hate,

Where legs just shave themselves if given time.

We hope you have enjoyed this song

And pop stars didn’t sing too long

Before the very easy ending rhyme.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

It’s a pretty snazzy kinda joint.

Placelandia! Placelandia!

Okay, okay, okay! We get the point!

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Filed under Lyrics, Poems, Songs