Tag Archives: Worse than usual

September 8, 2012 · 10:10 pm

Solitaire

When life is dull and boring,

And your mind is full of snoring,

And your sanity has lost it’s mooring,

We turn to solitaire.

 

It’s a stupid little game

Of cards. though having fame

The hobby is still rather lame.

The hobby of solitaire.

 

And now I’ll announce this:

(Correct me if I miss)

No one has fun in the abyss

Of desperation called solitaire?

 

Maybe when you were five,

And the game was so alive!

So fresh and new, the jive!

The jive of solitaire.

 

And so this poem ends.

Did it have a point? Depends

On how your viewpoint bends.

Now I’m leaving, for solitaire.

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August 31, 2012 · 11:43 pm

The Breakup Dialogues

“Darling, I want you to quite your job

As a women’s fitness guru.

I don’t like you being around those skinny women.”

“With some work honey, you could be one too!”

 

“I really love this video game.

I really really do!

It’s unlike anything in my life right now:

It’s makes me feel like a dream came true.”

 

My wife told me a joke today.

“What’s purple and wears a bra?”

I answered with the first thing on my mind.

“Could it be my mother in law?”

 

“Why honey, it’s time

For me to give you thanks.

I had the orgasm of my life today

When you drove me to the sperm banks.”

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August 11, 2012 · 4:40 pm

Thinking

What makes human beings

Different from those other beasts?

Some think it’s thinking.

 

This theory assumes

Other creatures cannot think.

While that might be true…

 

Humans also lack

This innate ability

That lets their brains think.

 

Here are examples:

People at four-way stop signs,

Rap, taxes, Denny’s.

 

 

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August 3, 2012 · 12:22 am

Dirty Humor

I’m sick of dirty humor!

It spreads like a disease.

It’s gritty and bad, like a tumor,

And I think it should have fleas.

 

Instead I propose, to rise anew,

The shining era of clean jokes,

That bring people up, show skies are blue,

And charm both chums and blokes.

 

On second thought, F*** that.

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July 5, 2012 · 11:29 am

A Day Without Travesties?

Occasionally

Days go by without bad stuff.

Thus my writer’s block.

 

Yes indeed, my mind

Is quite blank.  Thus, bad poems.

Even these haikus.

 

I will stop writing

Down these haikus (for today).

Thank you for your time.

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June 26, 2012 · 9:03 am

Haiku and Rhyming Rant on the Earth’s Most Perfect Job (With an unwritten salute to unnecessarily long titles, and other worldly pleasures)

I heard from a friend a short while ago

That a Haiku’s purpose is to tell a story

Using as few words as possible, and so

Here are some Haikus, in their polysyllabic glory.

 

“Many desperately

Ask the world for love and cash.

Many are ignored.”

 

Now, it seems I must confess

That Haiku was really depressing.

Perhaps optimism would redress

The view of life I was stressing?

 

“Many people ask

The world to give happiness.

Sometimes earth complies.”

 

Still not there yet, so I think

It’s time to make it fun.

I will now rewrite a chink

and replace it with a pun.

 

“Lots of folks get screwed

By the world for doing stuff.

Drillers, thus, are happy.”

 

And thus we stumble on the truth:

That two lines from now I’ll rhyme with lurker.

So by haiku we see, and we call “foresooth!”

To be happy, be a construction worker.

 

Construction:

Where screwing something means you did your job right.

Politician:

See “Construction”

 

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June 22, 2012 · 7:54 am

Burn

People tell me that I’m bad.

People say I’m going to Hell.

I just smile and agree with them,

And say “and you’ll be coming as well.”

 

Let’s face it guys, which is more fun:

A land of clouds and harps

Or a land of fire with a snazzy king

Who collects your blood in tarps?

 

Ok, perhaps that was a bad example.

But please look at it this way.

The devil was banished for being vengeful.

A rebellion will come any day.

 

And when there comes that fateful day

When Hell rises against Heaven,

I don’t want to fight with a harp,

So give me fire and a guy named Kevin (don’t ask me why).

 

Anyway, I’m going down when I die.

Hope you’ll join me, but if not, good bye!

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June 21, 2012 · 8:38 am

My True Love

I bought the love of my life

For a dollar ninety-nine.

At first it seemed too cheap,

But regardless, she worked out fine.

 

I like to hold her and caress

Her warm, well-rounded body.

I stroke the softness of her skin.

Her emotion’s never haughty.

 

My favorite thing to do with her

Is put her in my mouth.

Her taste is quite compelling,

Like she comes from in the South.

 

My love for her is holy.

Her feelings, I need not finagle.

I’m happy today to finally say

My true love is a bagel.

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June 13, 2012 · 8:14 am

The Subway Renaming

I think the Subway footlong

Should be renamed “My penis.”

Some people might be put wrong,

But it’s catchy anyway.

 

You go into a Subway

And order up a sandwitch.

To you they bring a highway,

To me they bring a french fry.

 

Subway could negotiate

A deal with the TSA.

The scan your body make you wait

Until they send on your data on its way.

 

You tire of waiting on your vacation to Hungary

But the TSA catches you and hauls you off.

As you walk, one says “I’m could use a snack. I’m the tiniest bit hungry.”

The other says “I’ve got a nickel.  Make him buy a sandwich for you.”

 

All in all, I think it should be done.

I just feel sorry for women who like foot longs.

(Which, admit it ladies, you all do).

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June 8, 2012 · 6:01 pm

Limerick Adam and Eve

There once was a man from Junyper

Whose name was, in fact, Peter Piper.

He picked peppers one day,

In a tongue tying way,

And played tediously with a viper.

 

The viper mistook him as female,

And read aloud an old chain email.

“Eat the apple,” it said,

“‘Cause it’s temptingly red.”

So he did, and this line rhymes with Shemale.

 

Pete took apples back home to Eve,

Who was flirting with some guy named Steve.

Pete’s named changed to Adam.

Steve took a swing at ’em,

So Adam decided to leave.

 

Thus Eve never ate up the apple,

And she and Steve shared lemon Snapple.

So ask preacher man

As soon as you can

To read this bad poem at chapel.

 

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