Tag Archives: Hell

An Excerpt From Disney’s Cancelled Musical, “Beelzebabe”

I awake to a nightmare. The heat is infernal

Here in the land of damnation eternal

Where I was born, and where I can never die.

My homework is done, my chores are complete,

My collar is starched, and my bedroom is neat,

And yet there’s my dad giving me the evil eye.

I’d like to have breakfast in silence,

But the demons are having a feast

On faith, hope, and love… oh, and entrails…

Here in the domain of the beast!

I’m just a kid! I did nothing bad!

I’m just down here all because of my dad!

Eternal strife’s just a day in the life

Of Stan, Satan’s son.

When people sin or they touch themselves

They end up here, or so says the Bible.

I have done neither and yet somehow here I must stay?

I never knew who my mother was.

Who would make love to the Prince of Hatred?

For all I know Lucifer might just maybe be gay?

I’m born of spite, empty of light,

Nine layers deep and yet still I do right?

Why is this glee deep within me,

Stan, Satan’s Son?

I am the precocious instead of atrocious.

I always say “thank you” and “please.”

I can’t help but bother my nefarious father,

Who you call Mephistopheles.

Up in the sky, when the blood clouds part,

I feel in my decomposed heart a leaping,

Picturing worlds with fresh air, vegans, even romance.

Then I’ll go early to torment school,

Pausing to clean up a pool of lava

Hiding in alleys to sing hymns and, sometimes, to dance.

It’s been a while since I saw a smile.

It has been eons since I’ve had fun.

Why’s this my fate? Why can’t I just hate?



Satan’s Son

P.S. If you’re in Hell

Be like me: Rebel.

(Organ plays “dun dun DUN!)

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How To Double The Size Of Your Congregation With OnePoem

The first layer of Hell is full

Of normal people. It is musty.

In the second layer are gluttons,

The slothful and the lusty.

The third layer’s for murderers,

And it smells like rotting poop.

Everyone else goes to the deepest layer

Where they play Taylor Swift on an infinite loop.

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My Religious Beliefs

“Chickens don’t believe in God

“So chickens go to Hell.”

That’s what Grandma told me

And so far it’s served me well.

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After Writing This I Actually Checked Amazon (Just In Case)

Guitar housemate is playing

Resounding evening chords

That resonate throughout the house

And shake its very boards.

Guitar housemate

Will suffer at a later time

Thanks to my new “grow your own giant roach” kit

And 2-day shipping from Amazon Prime.

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I’m An Optimist. A Facebook Test Told Me

Sometimes in our sweet world

Hell freezes over

And you find no joy in puppies

And no luck in a four-leaf clover.

But other times our sweet world

Goes to the regular fiery Hell

And we shed our layers and get a tan

And enjoy it pretty well.

So if you’re doomed to misery

Throughout all your days

You may as well enjoy it

And smile anyways.
And if not you can leave a sarcastic comment for a preachy poet. 🙂

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Bacon is like Hell,

As I know all too well.

Both hurt in the end,

And the scars never mend,

But before all that, they’re swell!

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Based on a True Story

Waiting at the DMV

Is not too bad for me.

Maybe it’s painful for you,

Not being “R362.”

As they serve R529

I continue to feel just fine.

Then they call up R360

And we’re one step closer to helping me!

A few minutes later R361.

I am almost having fun.

And then there’s R363.

Did they really just skip me?

I bring my ticket to the desk

And ask them straight-up, “what the hesk?”

They say to kindly sit and wait.

I’m now R758.

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At the Gym

I came to the gym just to train,
And I tried to exercise well.
Then some guy says to me “No pain, no gain.”
I think he’ll be happy in Hell.

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People tell me that I’m bad.

People say I’m going to Hell.

I just smile and agree with them,

And say “and you’ll be coming as well.”


Let’s face it guys, which is more fun:

A land of clouds and harps

Or a land of fire with a snazzy king

Who collects your blood in tarps?


Ok, perhaps that was a bad example.

But please look at it this way.

The devil was banished for being vengeful.

A rebellion will come any day.


And when there comes that fateful day

When Hell rises against Heaven,

I don’t want to fight with a harp,

So give me fire and a guy named Kevin (don’t ask me why).


Anyway, I’m going down when I die.

Hope you’ll join me, but if not, good bye!

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