Tag Archives: Hell

How To Double The Size Of Your Congregation With OnePoem

The first layer of Hell is full

Of normal people. It is musty.

In the second layer are gluttons,

The slothful and the lusty.

The third layer’s for murderers,

And it smells like rotting poop.

Everyone else goes to the deepest layer

Where they play Taylor Swift on an infinite loop.

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My Religious Beliefs

“Chickens don’t believe in God

“So chickens go to Hell.”

That’s what Grandma told me

And so far it’s served me well.

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After Writing This I Actually Checked Amazon (Just In Case)

Guitar housemate is playing

Resounding evening chords

That resonate throughout the house

And shake its very boards.

Guitar housemate

Will suffer at a later time

Thanks to my new “grow your own giant roach” kit

And 2-day shipping from Amazon Prime.

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I’m An Optimist. A Facebook Test Told Me

Sometimes in our sweet world

Hell freezes over

And you find no joy in puppies

And no luck in a four-leaf clover.

But other times our sweet world

Goes to the regular fiery Hell

And we shed our layers and get a tan

And enjoy it pretty well.

So if you’re doomed to misery

Throughout all your days

You may as well enjoy it

And smile anyways.
And if not you can leave a sarcastic comment for a preachy poet. 🙂

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Bacon

Bacon is like Hell,

As I know all too well.

Both hurt in the end,

And the scars never mend,

But before all that, they’re swell!

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Based on a True Story

Waiting at the DMV

Is not too bad for me.

Maybe it’s painful for you,

Not being “R362.”

As they serve R529

I continue to feel just fine.

Then they call up R360

And we’re one step closer to helping me!

A few minutes later R361.

I am almost having fun.

And then there’s R363.

Did they really just skip me?

I bring my ticket to the desk

And ask them straight-up, “what the hesk?”

They say to kindly sit and wait.

I’m now R758.

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At the Gym

I came to the gym just to train,
And I tried to exercise well.
Then some guy says to me “No pain, no gain.”
I think he’ll be happy in Hell.

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