Tag Archives: Dirty jokes

Two Jobs That Make Six Figures But Nobody Respects

I heard a job ad this afternoon:

“Need a change in career?

“Get a class A CDL

“And drive a big rig here.”

The company that advertised

Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”

And I figured it was close enough

To my current job of stripping…

After all, I already know

How to handle giant hardware,

How to move lube on the night shift,

And stopping traffic isn’t rare.

I load cargo in the backdoor

And handle massive logs

And I’ve known my share of pigs

(As well as cows and dogs).

I’ve made a living dancing

But now I just can’t wait

To sit all day upon my butt

‘Cause I know my butt is great!

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What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Some kids will say “Astronaut”.

Some kids will say “Surgeon.”

Some kids will say “Engineer”

Which means they misspelled “Virgin.”

Some kids will say “A Hero

“Dressed in armor and a cowl.”

But props to the kid who said

“I’d be your girlfriend’s towel.”

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Weird Pets and the Poet That Jokes About Them

I found a pet I like to rub.

I brought it home and named it club.

Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel

After they learn my pet’s a seal.

——————————————————–

I wanted to buy a unique pet

Like a hedgehog from the store.

I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.

“The boys have one spike more.”

——————————————————–

The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!

“Grab a rifle and go get her!”

I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;

“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”

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Klingon Humor

“chay’ leghlaHbe’wI’ chaDo’maq SoH?”

tlhob HoD picard.

wo’rIv, jatlh “ghoS nude bIQ’a’ HeH’e’

“‘ej ‘e’ ‘oH let DaqaSmoHbej.”

——————————————————–

“How do you spot a blind man?”

Asked Captain Picard.

Worf said, “Go to a nude beach

“And you’ll see that it’s not hard.”

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Jews In Mississippi

He showed us how to circumcise a redneck

In a way that none of us had done foresaw:

He found aforementioned redneck in his bedroom

Then kicked the redneck’s cousin in the jaw!

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I’ll Just Leave This Here

I asked a friendly prostitute

If she’d service a leper.

She looked at me a moment

And she said “yep, yep, yepper!”

We had a crazy evening.

Yes, it was quite a trip!

I asked “how can I thank you?”

She said “just leave the tip.”

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He’s Not Bashful About It

Let me tell the tale

Of the dwarf defined as Doc.

He was a man with paultry poultry

(Which is to say a tiny cock).

He’d be off to work each morning

With a high-ho and a pick

And he’d strike at stones much harder

Than his diminutive dwarven dick.

A princess came to stay with him

Despite her inhibitions.

Three days later she ate poison

Rather than stay in such conditions.

His beard is limp. His head is bald.

His eyes are beige and lumpy.

Since I’ve run out of insults

I’ll end the poem here. Love, Grumpy.

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As It Turns Out History Is Not My Strongest Subject – Thus The Extra “D”

You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”

But have you heard the talk

Of my upcoming X-rated sequel

All about John Handcock?

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We Aim To Please

If you aim to please a woman:

If you aim to please a woman

In the daytime or the night

You must have the understanding

That you will do nothing right.

Women come in all varieties,

Not unlike an apple.

They’re made of the best stuff on Earth

Just like a can of Snapple.

But like a can of Snapple

With the label torn away,

You don’t know what you’ll be getting.

Don’t worry, that’s okay.

If you aim to please a man:

Take off your clothes.

Get out of those

Garments that were “Get in its.”

Then lay on back,

Hope that it’s black,

And enjoy the next three minutes.

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Childish Dreams

As a child I planted bacon

To grow a bacon tree.

The others said it wouldn’t work,

But I said “wait and see.”
Summers passed and kids gree up.

The soil, it stayed flat.

My friends got educations,

But I’d no time for that.
Some guys got jobs and girlfriends.

I stuck with my feat though,

‘Cause one of these days my dreams will come true

And I will see my meat grow.

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