I found a pet I like to rub.
I brought it home and named it club.
Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel
After they learn my pet’s a seal.
I wanted to buy a unique pet
Like a hedgehog from the store.
I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.
“The boys have one spike more.”
The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!
“Grab a rifle and go get her!”
I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;
“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”
“chay’ leghlaHbe’wI’ chaDo’maq SoH?”
tlhob HoD picard.
wo’rIv, jatlh “ghoS nude bIQ’a’ HeH’e’
“‘ej ‘e’ ‘oH let DaqaSmoHbej.”
“How do you spot a blind man?”
Asked Captain Picard.
Worf said, “Go to a nude beach
“And you’ll see that it’s not hard.”
He showed us how to circumcise a redneck
In a way that none of us had done foresaw:
He found aforementioned redneck in his bedroom
Then kicked the redneck’s cousin in the jaw!
I asked a friendly prostitute
If she’d service a leper.
She looked at me a moment
And she said “yep, yep, yepper!”
We had a crazy evening.
Yes, it was quite a trip!
I asked “how can I thank you?”
She said “just leave the tip.”
Let me tell the tale
Of the dwarf defined as Doc.
He was a man with paultry poultry
(Which is to say a tiny cock).
He’d be off to work each morning
With a high-ho and a pick
And he’d strike at stones much harder
Than his diminutive dwarven dick.
A princess came to stay with him
Despite her inhibitions.
Three days later she ate poison
Rather than stay in such conditions.
His beard is limp. His head is bald.
His eyes are beige and lumpy.
Since I’ve run out of insults
I’ll end the poem here. Love, Grumpy.
You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”
But have you heard the talk
Of my upcoming X-rated sequel
All about John Handcock?
If you aim to please a woman:
If you aim to please a woman
In the daytime or the night
You must have the understanding
That you will do nothing right.
Women come in all varieties,
Not unlike an apple.
They’re made of the best stuff on Earth
Just like a can of Snapple.
But like a can of Snapple
With the label torn away,
You don’t know what you’ll be getting.
Don’t worry, that’s okay.
If you aim to please a man:
Take off your clothes.
Get out of those
Garments that were “Get in its.”
Then lay on back,
Hope that it’s black,
And enjoy the next three minutes.
As a child I planted bacon
To grow a bacon tree.
The others said it wouldn’t work,
But I said “wait and see.”
Summers passed and kids gree up.
The soil, it stayed flat.
My friends got educations,
But I’d no time for that.
Some guys got jobs and girlfriends.
I stuck with my feat though,
‘Cause one of these days my dreams will come true
And I will see my meat grow.
When I step on a rug, I always say “I’m sorry.”
I try to good, to warm instead of frost.
Because the world is a jungle, a wild safari,
And sometimes the nice guys get lost.
But the one thing we navigate in this wide, scary world
Is the bedroom, where seldom nice guys are outclassed,
For to the women who look past our impishness is unfurled
The fact that nice guys always finish last.
Yesterday, an amazing thing
Almost happened to moi!
As the French would say, I almost was part
Of a menage-a-troi.
I was missing only one small thing
When all was said and done.
But I didn’t mind. I found it fine,
My little menage-a-one.