What makes the tears of spiders?
What hides under monsters’ beds?
What makes slime and death and taxes
Put a pillow over their heads?
What makes a cold front shiver?
What makes Hell’s denizens sweat?
I wondered about the answer
Until I met my girlfriend’s pet.
Filed under Poems
It was a heavy wait,
A pregnant pause,
As I thought of what to say.
From the force of the blow
I knew I was wrong,
But her butt did look fat in a way.
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She had a headache,
I had lice.
She had a headache
After I bought the mice.
She had a headache
When I was constipated.
Do you think maybe
The two are related?
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“Let’s hear your riddle,”
I told my dear one.
“It’s been around
Since year one.
“It’s got no spine,
No heart, No brain.
It’s loved in France,
But seldom Spain.”
What do you mean
It’s the letter Q?
I thought the answer
Was you!
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Our love is like board walk
With a hotel.
It’s great if you have it,
But expensive as hell.
Our love is like park place.
It’s worth it to invest,
But we can’t help but feel
It’s only second best.
Our love happened purely by chance,
And I thought that was all for the best.
Then I heard about your four-house reputation
And your nickname, “Community Chest.”
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“Darling, I want you to quite your job
As a women’s fitness guru.
I don’t like you being around those skinny women.”
“With some work honey, you could be one too!”
“I really love this video game.
I really really do!
It’s unlike anything in my life right now:
It’s makes me feel like a dream came true.”
My wife told me a joke today.
“What’s purple and wears a bra?”
I answered with the first thing on my mind.
“Could it be my mother in law?”
“Why honey, it’s time
For me to give you thanks.
I had the orgasm of my life today
When you drove me to the sperm banks.”
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The Daily Travesty 