Tag Archives: Dating

How To Get Six-Pack Abs In Five Days (Or Something)

When one has blogged as much as I

One comes to realize

A lot of the view’s one’s blog receives

Come not from human eyes

But from advertising robots

That search for stuff that’s trending

Like Biden, Bitcoin, Keto, Xbox,

And how the world is ending.

Make this go viral… I dare you : )

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Where Have All The Good Pets Gone?

I want a furry turtle

That will snuggle me in bed

With a leopard-patterned belly

And a capybara’s head,

Thats softer than a kitten

And convenient as a fish

That’s 6-feet plus and makes $100k…

Is that too much to wish?

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Dating In The Country Be Like…

I hear her dad has fewer teeth

Than guns hung on his walls…

I heard her seven brothers

Got among ’em 19 balls…

I’ve heard her mom got famous

As a former L.A. Ram…

But I heard she ain’t got no beard

So I don’t give a damn!

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When Her Eyes Met Mine

My eyes are sort of brownish

Like a car that no one bought,

But there’s a girl I see in class

Whose eyes I like a lot;

They’re greener than a vegan’s lawn

And bright as stars above,

And when I look into their depths

I fall deeper in love.

I asked a dear old friend of mine

How I can show I care.

He told me to make eye contact

And all would flow from there,

And so I took my glasses off

And walked up, feeling fine

And took her head into my hands

And pressed her eyes to mine.

Well I can’t say I had success…

Can’t say it helped my vision…

All I can say’s my friend’s advice

Got me locked up in prison.

But on a side almost as bright

As her eyes’ emerald hue

She said a lot of words to me

And that’s a dream come true!

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The Edge of Seventeen

There’s a lake just off the freeway

That I went to with a girl

And we sat beside the water,

Feeding nature to a squirrel.

We made noises with our mouths

And made each other laugh,

Then we got someone to feed us

And we only paid for half.

We saw folks in real pain

Pretend to hurt in different ways

While on a screen and in the guise

Of whatever film’s the craze.

Then I drove backwards up a hill

To drop her off at almost nowhere.

I think about her every time

I see that lake, but never go there.

Such is love and such is life

For one who sees the sun at night,

Who, knowing how they hunger so,

Gladly lets the bedbugs bite.

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How My Dates End

Thanks for dinner!

I had lots of fun.

Here’s my number:

911

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Butt Weight… There’s More

I like girls who are polite

And women who are modest.

I like girls with joie de vivre

Although they’re not the hottest.

I like girls who demonstrate

A sense of generosity

Yet girls I meet prefer to flaunt

Their callipygiosity.

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My Dating Algorithm (1-10)

To find a man’s value

Divide his income by 10,000

Then subtract two to compensate.

To find a woman’s value

Call her a ten

(If she has a penis, call her an eight).

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This Problem Doesn’t Happen For Board Game Dates

I asked her out to eat with me

At Chez Insertnamehere.

It was a place with candlelight

And very expensive beer.

After our romantic dinner

Conversation hit a lull.

She said “Let’s have dinner again,”

But, alas, I was already full.

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When She Says “Don’t Kill The Spider… Just Take It Outside”

After the date, I told her

“I want to see you

“As often as I see

“Google search, page 2”

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