Tag Archives: Dating

I Really Need To Move To The South Already…

You tell me not to use a straw

Because somewhere in the sea

A turtle was killed by floating trash,

Perhaps produced by me.

And somewhere I imagine

In the ocean, deep and blue,

A turtle chokes on a straw and is grateful

To not be dating you.

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Dating A 30-Year-Old

You ask will I love you

When you’re not a young lass,

When your hair’s gray and saggy

And so is your ass,

When the passion is gone

And the money is thin

And everything hurts

‘Neath our wrinkly skin.

Our hands come together

And I look straight at you.

“Of course I will darling!

“I already do.”

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If The Shoe Fits…

I lived a life of luxury.

I thought I had it all

Until I met my true love

At the climactic royal ball.

Her dress had such a shimmer,

Like her slippers made of glass.

Her smile moved a mountain

And OMG dat ass!

We danced ’til past eleven

Before she fled into the night

Leaving my heart in tatters

And a slipper in her flight.

I picked up the glassy remnant

Of the girl who once was mine

And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed

We both wore a lady’s size 9?

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Wherein A First-Time Internet Dater Realizes Honesty Is Overrated

I have no ambition,

Motivation, manly vigor.

I have very little money

And just three inches down there.

I wish I were more macho,

Richer, smarter, or just bigger

But your ad said if I’m honest

Then you really couldn’t care.

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Self-Discovery, The Very-Old Fashioned Way

If I were a trilobite

I’d be very lonely.

I’d go on trilodate.com

But I’d find myself only.

I’d be alone through every night

And have very little fun.

But I realize I don’t know what I trilobite is

And also that I just might be one. 

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Why I Never Got Together With That Cute Girl In Class

What wonder has a flower,

A daisy or a rose,

To the clueless human

As on its way it goes?

A work of nature, beautiful,

Is worth not but a glance

For what interest has a human

In the idle ways of plants?

But a very ugly flower

That can nauseate by sight,

That makes you want to kick a baby,

Draw attention that just might.

So when you see the spiders

Crawling from my bloodshot eyes

I seek your fondness and attention.

‘Twas not that so very wise?

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Questionable Pickup Line #473

If you see a girl you like

And say to her “my name is Mike”

Then it’d be a real shame

If that weren’t your real name.

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