Tag Archives: Dating

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I brought a dozen roses,

A diamond, and a kitten

To serenade by starlight

The lass with whom I’m smitten.

I sang “Every Breath You Take”

To my very special girl.

Then she locked me in her laser sights

And sang me “Goodbye Earl.”

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Oops! I meant “Perfunctory.” Wait, No…

“Pusillanimous”

Was how I described my date.

I did not get laid.

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Plenty of Fish

He stood on the granite cliff

Screaming hoarsely

Over the roaring black ocean.

From one of the shores beyond

An echo returned to him:

“Citygal17498 has blocked you.”

But mostly there was silence.

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Maybe It Tasted Good A Few Years Ago?

I want a sandwich

With clams, beets, and garlic

Sprinkled with liver and thyme

Topped with two scoops

Of pistachio ice cream

And the zest of a two-week-old lime

All smeared on a loaf

Of gluten-free flatbread

Served on a hard rubber plate.

You get it when you order

A nice BLT.

I call it “The Internet Date.”

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She’s Lying…

Everything’s fine.

I won’t get mad.

I don’t care about your exes.

I’m almost ready.

I’ll call you right back.

I don’t mind you buying that Lexus.

I really don’t care.

I really don’t mind.

I really (insert anything here).

No, I’m not jealous

And if we get married

I’ll never make you watch Shakespeare.

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The Answer, At Last!

All the single ladies

Ask where all the good men went,

Dreaming of the good old days

When the six-foot-plus millionaires

Without egos or exes

Would contact them conveniently

And buy them stuff

All without leaving the house.

Meanwhile the six-foot-plus

Drama-free millionaires

Are in their basements

Roleplaying car thieves

And writing bad poetry blogs.

You’re welcome.

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The Solvers and The Havers

Most men enjoy solving problems;

It gives them a meaningful life.

Alas, this is not something wanted

By most men’s eventual wife.

A man will fix up an auto,

A house, a business, a toy,

But it’s not solving problems but having them

That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.

A woman takes pleasure in saying

“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”

Because other women say “me too”

And by such connection grow close.

If a man tells another “I’m hungry”

Another will say “have a snack”

And the problem is solved with five words

And the men to their task may go back.

Now the trouble occurs when the solvers

Treat problem-lovers the same:

A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man

Says “go play a video game.”

Now if the woman obeys him

She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored

And thus need another discomfort

Until her drama-quota’s restored,

So the man has given a solution

Which really won’t help her a bit

So she says “you don’t understand me!”

And runs off and calls him a git.

The man is confused by her answer

But has a solution to that:

He says to himself “bitch be crazy”

And then changes the sink in his flat.

So men, if you want to help women

Be happy then here’s what to do:

Have lots of flaws in your character

So she’ll always have drama with you.

And women, you know how to please a man

And don’t need advising from me,

But (as a man I must say this)

Without drama how happy you’ll be!

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