Tag Archives: Pets

Where Have All The Good Pets Gone?

I want a furry turtle

That will snuggle me in bed

With a leopard-patterned belly

And a capybara’s head,

Thats softer than a kitten

And convenient as a fish

That’s 6-feet plus and makes $100k…

Is that too much to wish?

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About Your Pet Spider…

If you tell me to take care of

A monster with eight eyes

I hope you won’t be unhappy

When it inevitably dies.

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But People With Pet Spiders…

If you have a snake for a pet

I think it’s a pretty safe bet

That you have one or two kidneys.

You thought this would end differently?

How judgmental can you get?

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Ensuring Adequate Nutrition To Underprivileged Animals (Oh SNAP!)

Some Americans on food stamps

Are demanding food for pets,

‘Cause “pets are more than something that you own.”

I say cut the stamps

And let Lady eat the tramps…

Save money and kill two birds with one stone!

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To All The “Alt-Moms” Out There

Little birds fly

And small children don’t.

Dogs obey loving masters

But small children won’t.

Whales jump on command

Through rings made of fire

But children would never

Do something so dire.

Small children are builders,

But so is an ant.

A fly can do everything

Small children can’t.

Pediatricians are pricey.

What’s cheaper are vets.

That’s why I shun children

In favor of pets.

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As For Me… I Was A Goldfish

Benny was a hamster,

An upper-middle class rat.

He lived seven years

In a house with a cat.

He suffered anxiety

Throughout his meager years.

Then he was eaten and came back

As a worker at Sears.

This tale is bland

At face-value only.

It’s a tale of courage

Despite being lonely.

I urge you, have compassion

For all that you meet

For in a previous life

They may have been meat. 

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What Would You Have Done?

My cat ate my fish,

Then my dog ate my cat,

Then my puma ate my dog

So I bought a pet gnat.

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And The Award For Best Pet Goes To…

I’ve had a lot of pets.

Okay, not really… but a few

And I tell you with conviction

That the best of them is you.

When I read my poems to goldfish,

Guppies, betas, or trout

They get neither the humor

Nor what the poem’s about.

When I read my rhymes to kitties

They bite me on the thumb.

When I read my verse to doggies…

Well, alas, they’re cute but dumb.

When I read poems to my girlfriends,

Oh sure, they laugh and smile

And beg me to be their only love,

But that’s just not my style.

But you stay with me, readers.

You are my best friend and my steed.

I’m a lucky guy to have you,

And you don’t cost much to feed.

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Deal Breaker?

What makes the tears of spiders?

What hides under monsters’ beds?

What makes slime and death and taxes

Put a pillow over their heads?


What makes a cold front shiver?

What makes Hell’s denizens sweat?

I wondered about the answer

Until I met my girlfriend’s pet.

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Kids These Days

Plodding, panting, galivanting

Amidst the grassy park.

I see a cat. I don’t like that

So I conjure up a bark.
The cat runs off. I’m satisfied

And so I pee and drool.

Then mommy puts the leash back on

And we drive off to school.


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