Tag Archives: Vegan

A Sonnet For When Your Vegan Girlfriend Puts You In The Doghouse

How soft the calling of the rose in bloom;

Its rage not diminished by its small size,

For it has seen a man deliver doom

With not a drop, remorseful, from his eyes.

The rose who screams has seen its brothers fall,

Cleft and tied as trinkets for a hot date.

It cries without lungs, giving it its all,

Petals in bloom, show’ring it foes with hate.

Then red and white and pink and gold align

Together in the vengeful rose’s song,

A harmony unheard by humankind

Until they are a dozen voices strong.

Then weep! The florist ends their final day.

Aren’t you relieved I brought you no bouquet?

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Or Crack Some Eggs… SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN IT! AAAAAAH!

“You can’t make an omelette

Without craking a bag

Of artificial egg-substitute flakes

That lack allergic red flags

And don’t indirectly harm animals

Like your processed foods do.”

I don’t much care for

Vegan analogies. Do you?

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My Vegan Arsenal Begins

I went to the dollar store

To buy a concealable weapon.

Something with menace

From a gangster from Venice,

But a gun or knife I didn’t want to be schleppin’.

So discount Dominic

Sold me a satisfactory piece:

It weighs but an ounce

And helps when I pounce.

Ever seen some grass knuckles like these?

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