Tepid was the water,
And I sought to make it hotter
So I could relax beneath the stars.
Thus to complete my mission
I tried nuclear fission.
In hindsight I may have gone too far.
But I warmed the lake quite well,
And the neighbors will never tell
Cause they all are radioactive and dead.
Still, my relaxing has to wait,
For it appears to be my fate
That these Mothras keep flying around my head.
Filed under Poems
I met a man in an alley,
Seven feet tall, 400 lbs.
He’d just finished his UFC event,
Winning after 19 rounds.
So sure, I look like a pussy
Compared to that guy of seven feet,
But what can I say? At the end of the day
You are what you eat.
Filed under Poems
I took a shot
At being hot,
But let’s just say
I still am not.
Filed under Poems
Last night I went spelunking
And I got to do some thunking
About my life, my hopes, my dreams, my fears,
And just like a stalactite
I found my life had not been upright
But full of hanging out and wasted years.
Then a rock fell on my head
And I found out I was dead,
So I lay for many years down in the damp.
But my life derived its meaning
When some other cavers came careening
And saw a dusty pile of human bones.
Filed under Poems
Some Texan ghosts have moved in;
To dance with them they want us.
It makes me feel special somehow
To say they polka haunt us.
Filed under Poems
A zombie that lived in a crypt
Read “Men’s Health” and wanted to get ripped,
So he pumped lots of iron
‘Til his cadaver was tirin’.
Too bad Hollywood passed on my script.
Filed under Poems
I came to the gym just to train,
And I tried to exercise well.
Then some guy says to me “No pain, no gain.”
I think he’ll be happy in Hell.
Filed under Poems
This day we gather
To celebrate
The death of a guy
We all grew to hate.
He’s the guy who thinks
He is very important.
More important, certainly, than you.
He’s the guy who won’t listen,
Who boasts of his money,
Who gets angry out of the blue.
He the guy who feels good
So long as you don’t,
Who thinks life is a zero sum game,
And the guy who knows
Everyone is unique,
But still chooses to treat them the same.
You all have experience
Unique to ourselves
That make up our vision of the departed.
The guy who was clingy,
The guy who talked loudly,
The guy who left you broken hearted.
And so as we bury this unlikeable guy
Take a minute to think of your dislike and why,
And cherish his memory, for through it you see
The things that, to live well, you must never be.
Believe it or not
When your Linkedin page
Features music, clarinet, and poetry
I haven’t found
That companies
Are lining up to hire me.
I’ve applied
For every kind
Of job, to no avail,
I guess it also
Doesn’t help
That I’m a caucasian male.
So if anyone
Is seeking
A candidate with some flair
I’d love to hear.
And have no fear!
I have other skills too, I swear!
You can comment
For my contact info
Or meet me face to face
By going down I-5
To the exit 255 bridge,
‘Cause for know under that is my place.
Once upon a fleeting glimpse
Lived an airplane who loved all blimps,
But when she touched them they would pop
Because she struck them with her prop(ellor).
But plane Jane did not despair.
She kept on searching through the air.
She found true love just like she said
With a zeppelin made of lead.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 