The whole Harry Potter idea
Where everyone owns an owl
Might not be super practical
But it would wipe away my scowl.
Tag Archives: Happiness
Keep On Writing
Remember when we wrote things
For other folks to read
That answered all their questions
Or satisfied a need?
And sometimes we would write things
To create a laugh or smile,
To push you through a challenge
And inspire you through a trial.
Now we write for metrics
Like “likes” and “views” and “shares”
And instead of smiles and laughter
We get 100-mile stares.
But if we write the things we like
And refuse to drink
That vile-flavored Kool-Aid
Called “What other people think”
Perhaps we’ll crack a smile
Or persevere ourselves
Until we write a something
That can decorate your shelves.
Growing Big And Strong
When I was a kid I ate mac and cheese;
Now I eat pasta au gratin.
I used to eat hot dogs with ketchup;
Now I eat bratwurst. Ooh la lan.
I used to eat burgers and french fries;
Now I order steaks frites on a bun
But the day I stop eating potato volcanos
Is when childhood’s really done.
Filed under Poems
Like A Back Yard, But For Everyone
I want to open an amusement park
That’s a bunch of fire pits
And comfy private toilets
For comfy private shits
Where men can sit in silence
And stare into the void.
It’d be the happiest place on earth
‘Til some white chick gets annoyed.
Filed under Poems
The Best Part Of Waking Up
Pooping is great!
Pooping is fun!
Just sit on the toulet
And ploop! You’re all done!
Or if you are male
And/or have a phone
Pooping can give you
An hour alone!
Filed under Poems
Hey Boss, Today I’ve Prepared This 8-Hour Video For You Showing How Your Employee Spends A Typical Workday. It Will Be Graded
When a teacher is sick
They call in a sub
Who may or may not know the material.
I think all jobs
Should have similar deals
When they contract something bacterial.
If you get a cough
Or an ache or a wheeze
Your workplace will fet on a call
With some guy named “Jake”
Who comes to your desk
And proceeds to do no work at all.
I don’t want this deal
Because I slack off
Or because it will help anyone;
I want this because
If I could have any job
“Substitute you” would be pretty fun.
Filed under Poems
Modern Detox
If you’re in need of a business idea
I have a suggestion for you:
An apartment complex for people who want
To live like 1992.
The rent will be $500 a month
And the internet’s 10 sites or so,
Your neighbors are friendly, their kids play outside,
And Roseanne’s your favorite show.
A black Friday toaster is 25 cents
And so is a Big Mac with fries
And you can get Cracker Jack from Cracker Barrel
And it comes with an actual prize!
Phones have a wire, movies are physical
And they need to be rewound.
Nostalgia is hot. Spending money is not.
Does not this idea seem sound?
Filed under Poems
Equity
Instead of arguing white vs. black,
Men vs. women, straights vs. gays,
Let’s just accept that we’re all kinda dumb
And move on with our kinda dumb days.
Filed under Poems
Normalcy Is Overrated
If you eat noodles with a knife
I bet you probably love your life.
If your best friend is a cat
Your probably satisfied with that.
If your name starts with a Z
You’re already cooler than me.
What makes you weird’s what makes you you
So unto your weird self be true.
Filed under Poems
When Counting Your Blessings Doesn’t Work, Try Counting Your Absences
Everyone in the world
Should get a chihuahua
From the government, totally free
Because when they all die
We’ll all understand
How much better life is when dog-free.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 