Tag Archives: Life

SERIOUSLY?

‘Twas 31 days before Halloween

And all through the shops

Christmas music was playing…

Should I call the cops?

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Love Y’all, Good Night

I wrote 92 haikus on Tuesday

That apparently nobody read.

If you’re unsatisfied with this poem

Go read some of that crap instead.

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True Love, 2022

Upon the sofa down we sat,

Eating ice cream, happy, fat,

Eyes on the TV, wearing no pants:

This is my ideal of romance!

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Man’s Real Best Friend

Everyone needs a big fluffy blanket

That smiles when you hug it or throw it or yank it;

It can soothe pain and dry off your tears

And it does so for free over hundreds of years.

When Summer is hot and you lie on the grass

It holds all your food and keeps bugs off your ass.

When Winter is cold and the sky is all gray

The blanket will escort the darkness away.

A blanket can act as a robe in a bind

And a tangle of blankets can help you unwind.

Yes, everyone needs a big fluffy blanket

So next time you see one, remember to thank it.

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How Covid REALLY Started

The school buses are back on the roads

And people are not happy.

They carry children by the loads

And make the traffic crappy.

What if instead of the buses

All the kids just stayed home sick?

Sure, the minuses outweigh the pluses

But the traffic would go quick!

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All The Low Notes, All At Once, Fortissimo… An Unexpected Climax

Men, you probably know by now

About romantic passion,

And how the ambiance before

Takes quite a bit to fashion.

One must say the secret words

To snare a woman’s heart

And have stamina and strength enough

To delay that tempting fart.

Tonight I learned another step

That our ancestors did

That promoted procreation:

They closed the piano keyboard lid.

Alas, I lacked their wisdom

And an Earth that might have shaken

Is now not more than legend

Thanks to the route the cat has taken.

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*Grunt, Impale Worm On Hook, Lifelong Companion*

Women will talk to their friends

About what their friends would say

If they knew what someone whose not their friend

Said “Hi” instead of “Hey”.

They’ll whisper all about a person’s

Clothes or hair or walk.

Guys don’t have this problem

Because male friends don’t talk.

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Guess What I’m Doing After Writing This?

When someone says “When was your last shower”

And you honestly can’t remember

That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”

I call it “September”.

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Linguistic History 101

I love how someone decided

That they could just combine

Two words and make another word

And act like it was fine.

So came about such portmanteaus

As “Sandpaper” and “Sweatshirt”,

And even though no harm was done

I’m feeling kind of butt-hurt.

And how come some compound words

Need to be hyphenated?

Like cross-eye, but not loveseat?

Is anyone else devastated?

Apparently the jury’s out

And no one cares but me.

I think I’ll solve this once and for all

By founding Germany.

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Moving Up In The World

He’s standing on the sidewalk

Dancing with a sign

Because the company on the corner

Wants more people to be buyin’.

He’s singing to the hip-hop song

That only he can hear

Until his phone says 5:00 O’clock

And he can disappear.

His spirit’s probably broken

And he really has to pee,

But at least he makes more money

Than I do with poetry.

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