What if all the billionaires
Just stood out on the street
And walked around in circles
And challenged everyone they’d meet
To have a Pokemon battle
That they would surely lose
And give the winner money?
But alas, they’re only jews.
Tag Archives: Life
This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song
If the sun comes up tomorrow
And you no longer exist
You will not be scared or sad
Annoyed, confused, or pissed;
You will not suffer any pain
Or shed a single tear,
No longer prone to earthly woes,
‘Cause you’re no longer here!
If you cease to be a thing
Nothing will cause you harm.
You won’t regret the time you wasted
On your Facebook farm.
If the sun comes up tomorrow
And you’re absent from the dawn
You won’t mind when the whole world sings
“Thank God he’s finally gone!”
Filed under Poems
Penne For Your Thoughts?
What if, when the world was new
And nothing breathed and nothing grew
A race of beasts made of spaghetti
Were getting set and getting ready
To build cities, slim and tall,
In which they’d gather, one and all,
Until the dinosaurs emerged
And the noodle cities were submerged
Beneath the oceans, wide and blue,
Until they used their magic to
Bring down a stone wide as ten miles
To do away with rude reptiles.
Now, again the Earth was theirs.
Out of the ocean they built stairs
Only to find, in the dinosaurs’ place
A young and vibrant human race.
This time instead of genocide
By meteor ten miles wide
They made the human race instead
Love noodles much like they loved bread.
So when the noodle race was old
And slightly stale and very cold
They smiled, knowing all was not lost. The
Human race would make more pasta!
Filed under Poems
Your Vocabulary Word Of The Day Is…
Sometimes it can be tough
To deal with all of your stuff,
And so the path that seems easiest
Is to be an eccedentesiast.
Filed under Poems
Doublespeak (Or How I Learned To Stop Talking And Accept That I’m Wrong)
“Awesome” means “Good” now.
“Good” now means “Fair”.
“Okay” means “I’m lousy”.
“Lousy” means “In Despair”.
“Gold plans“ are baseline;
“Platinum” is normal.
Shirts are for business
And blue jeans are formal.
“Nothing” means “Something”
And “Yes” can mean “No”
But y’all still jump to conclusions
When I said “She’s a hoe.”
Filed under Poems
True At Every Age
Some days your mind is foggy
And your heart is cold as ice
But you know soon you’ll have a poop
And that will feel nice!
Filed under Poems
Hope Exists In Odd Places
The fact that football stadiums
Are filled with maskless faces
Who came to watch a bunch of men
Of many faiths and races
Hit each other for a ball
While chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”
Makes me think the world’s too good
To suddenly abandon.
Filed under Poems
Better Than Two Cliche New Years Haiku… But Not By Much
Last year if I forgot to write
A poem (like yesterday)
I would write two poems, both
Which would have nothing to say.
This year my resolution
Is to write one thing that’s good
Instead of writing two bad poems
Just ‘cause I said I would.
So if you are that one person
Who reads my daily crap
And realized I missed a day
I hope you’ll stop and clap
Because I’ve reframed laziness
In terms of personal growth
And if that isn’t something good
Then what it is I do not know’th.
Filed under Poems
Dreams and Reality
One day I’ll wake in the morning
And look to the sky in the East
And see the sunrise with my well rested eyes
Before cooking a bacony feast.
One day I’ll go for a run
For a mile, or maybe for ten
Then go on a date with my lovely soulmate
And laugh ‘til the sun sets again.
One day my dreams may be real
But I pray it does not come to that
‘Cause today I slept in and wore naught but my skin
And drank egg nog and snuggled a cat.
Filed under Poems
Reflection
He looked in the mirror
And instead of his face
He saw someone worthy
Of goodness and grace;
A man who was useful,
Who’d given enough,
With bountiful beauty
Though his edges were rough;
A man that he knew
Deserved the fine feeling
That he could rise higher
Uncrushed by the ceiling;
A man who saw Heaven
In shelves left undusted,
Who hadn’t yet learned
It’s alright to be rusted;
A man who’d been beaten
Yet rose straight and tall
On the day he believed
It was his face after all.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 