Tag Archives: Life

Also: Free Healthcare, Renewable Energy, And The Gyms Pay YOU

What if all the billionaires

Just stood out on the street

And walked around in circles

And challenged everyone they’d meet

To have a Pokemon battle

That they would surely lose

And give the winner money?

But alas, they’re only jews.

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This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you no longer exist

You will not be scared or sad

Annoyed, confused, or pissed;

You will not suffer any pain

Or shed a single tear,

No longer prone to earthly woes,

‘Cause you’re no longer here!

If you cease to be a thing

Nothing will cause you harm.

You won’t regret the time you wasted

On your Facebook farm.

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you’re absent from the dawn

You won’t mind when the whole world sings

“Thank God he’s finally gone!”

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Penne For Your Thoughts?

What if, when the world was new

And nothing breathed and nothing grew

A race of beasts made of spaghetti

Were getting set and getting ready

To build cities, slim and tall,

In which they’d gather, one and all,

Until the dinosaurs emerged

And the noodle cities were submerged

Beneath the oceans, wide and blue,

Until they used their magic to

Bring down a stone wide as ten miles

To do away with rude reptiles.

Now, again the Earth was theirs.

Out of the ocean they built stairs

Only to find, in the dinosaurs’ place

A young and vibrant human race.

This time instead of genocide

By meteor ten miles wide

They made the human race instead

Love noodles much like they loved bread.

So when the noodle race was old

And slightly stale and very cold

They smiled, knowing all was not lost. The

Human race would make more pasta!

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Your Vocabulary Word Of The Day Is…

Sometimes it can be tough

To deal with all of your stuff,

And so the path that seems easiest

Is to be an eccedentesiast.

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Doublespeak (Or How I Learned To Stop Talking And Accept That I’m Wrong)

“Awesome” means “Good” now.

“Good” now means “Fair”.

“Okay” means “I’m lousy”.

“Lousy” means “In Despair”.

“Gold plans“ are baseline;

“Platinum” is normal.

Shirts are for business

And blue jeans are formal.

“Nothing” means “Something”

And “Yes” can mean “No”

But y’all still jump to conclusions

When I said “She’s a hoe.”

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True At Every Age

Some days your mind is foggy

And your heart is cold as ice

But you know soon you’ll have a poop

And that will feel nice!

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Hope Exists In Odd Places

The fact that football stadiums

Are filled with maskless faces

Who came to watch a bunch of men

Of many faiths and races

Hit each other for a ball

While chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”

Makes me think the world’s too good

To suddenly abandon.

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Better Than Two Cliche New Years Haiku… But Not By Much

Last year if I forgot to write

A poem (like yesterday)

I would write two poems, both

Which would have nothing to say.

This year my resolution

Is to write one thing that’s good

Instead of writing two bad poems

Just ‘cause I said I would.

So if you are that one person

Who reads my daily crap

And realized I missed a day

I hope you’ll stop and clap

Because I’ve reframed laziness

In terms of personal growth

And if that isn’t something good

Then what it is I do not know’th.

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Dreams and Reality

One day I’ll wake in the morning

And look to the sky in the East

And see the sunrise with my well rested eyes

Before cooking a bacony feast.

One day I’ll go for a run

For a mile, or maybe for ten

Then go on a date with my lovely soulmate

And laugh ‘til the sun sets again.

One day my dreams may be real

But I pray it does not come to that

‘Cause today I slept in and wore naught but my skin

And drank egg nog and snuggled a cat.

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Reflection

He looked in the mirror

And instead of his face

He saw someone worthy

Of goodness and grace;

A man who was useful,

Who’d given enough,

With bountiful beauty

Though his edges were rough;

A man that he knew

Deserved the fine feeling

That he could rise higher

Uncrushed by the ceiling;

A man who saw Heaven

In shelves left undusted,

Who hadn’t yet learned

It’s alright to be rusted;

A man who’d been beaten

Yet rose straight and tall

On the day he believed

It was his face after all.

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