Tag Archives: Life

Dream Job: Real Housewife Of Poetry

The time for meta poetry

Has come again it seems.

This blog, over the years,

Has become a thing of dreams.

That’s not to say it’s excellent

(Or even good, per se),

But that if life were like this blog

I’d be happy every day.

If consistency of talent

Were optional for work…

If people liked me purely

For my ability to be a jerk…

If things without a reason

At least would have a rhyme…

Yes, if life were like this blog

We would have a groovy time.

Amidst the inevitable collapsing

Of society in such a world

We would laugh and we would smile

As the universe unfurled.

Mediocrity would rule supreme

Were we to go that far,

And thus I’m moving to LA

To be a reality TV star.


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Dearest Saturday

I worked all week,

I sweated and toiled,

I broke my back,

My plans were foiled,

My heart was shattered,

My brain turned to goo

So that, Dearest Saturday,

I could make it to you.

I slaved and I slobbered.

My displeasures grew

As I sat through lectures

I already knew,

I held off angry clients,

Protected my pen

So that we, Dearest Saturday,

Could be one once again.

Metaphorical dragons

Have fallen before me,

Slain so I could assure

That you would not deplore me,

And although I am thankful

To not be deplored

Why is it, Dearest Saturday,

That I’m this freakin’ bored?

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How’s Life

Fourty percent happy boredom,

Thirty percent sleep

Five percent is stuff

Which, for this blog, is too deep,

Ten percent is glorious joy,

Nine percent is shame,

Five percent is wanting donuts,

One percent is “crap, what was that guy’s name?”

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That’s Why Babies Look Funny When They Learn To Walk!

If life were like a video game

I think it quickly would get lame

‘Cause everyone would act the same

And people would compete for fame

And money and stuff you’d seek to claim

And maybe you’d love a token dame.

Your repeated failures might cause shame

And you’d be worthy of others’s blame.

You’ll find comfort in a pet to tame

And maybe give it a funny name

Like Blooper, Tweazle, Grumps, or Zame…

Holy crap! Life’s just like a video game!

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The Dinner Date

Socializing’s when you find

People you dislike the least

And gather anxiously

To waste money on a feast

While imbibing neurotoxins

To make the evening fun

Then compete to talk the most

Until you all agree “we’re done.”

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What A Ruffled Life He Lays

The sound of screaming guitars

And the smell of burning tires

A flash of purple lightning

And your flavor on my lips,

A lightness in my beating heart

Merges with everburning fires

As my vision fades to black

And I see my life is a commercial for chips.

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Follow Your Heart

I heard that when uncertainty

About your future strikes

Examining what you avoid

Can lead you to your likes.

I tend to avoid everything

And like lying in bed

Writing jokes about the stuff

That’s running through my head.

I tend to avoid washing things,

Dishes and self included,

And consequently feel good

When I eat (get watered and fooded).

I like to be alone a lot.

I like the color orange.

I dislike thinking ahead

Which sometimes makes life hardyorange.

And so I have concluded

From my lifestyle and refinement

That I should pursue a career

In solitary confinement.

So if someone were so kind

As to frame me for a murder

I’d be grateful for all my life

And happy with my life’s direction-urder.

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