Tag Archives: Life

That Feels Possessive…

I checked into a hotel room

That was almost six feet tall,

Weighed 180 pounds

And once was very small.

I used it for one happy day

To run around the world

Then checked out in the evening

As on a bed it curled.

I checked back in tomorrow

But found it was today

And the room I’d left behind me

Was mostly still okay.

I expect to keep this up

For quite a while yet

For, being an ambitious ghost,

It’s the best that I can get.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Perils Of The Ghetto

I almost paid 500 dollars

To a pair of thugs in leather collars

For a bag of powder from a vault

That turned out to be garlic salt.

But alas, I’d no such luck;

They didn’t a single buck.

Instead they made me walk away

With tickets to the WNBA.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

How (And Why) Men Think

This is not a poem. I just saved you 3-5 minutes. You’re welcome.

In college, I was often told by professors not to begin essays with a definition. Having had a terrible college experience and feeling tremendous spite for the aforementioned professors, I now present Merriam-Webster’s definition of economics:

A social science concerned chiefly with description and analysis of the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services

Having graduated with honors with my degree in economics six years prior to writing this essay and having since enjoyed a long and profitable career in the disciplines of music, poetry, and comedy, I have come to realize that my degree in economics is roughly equivalent to a degree in women’s studies, but with fewer scholarship opportunities. Pursuing that thought to it’s ultimate conclusion, I realized that a degree in economics is essentially a degree in men’s studies, minus history and practical job skills.

Much of economics is considered with the idea of equilibrium, a condition in which all things are balanced and to which all things would return if governments would quit screwing everything up. Men’s lives are likewise drawn continuously to equilibrium, as can be demonstrated by the following thought experiment:

Imagine a man is at home. It can be any time or location, because those don’t actively concern our imagined man. Our man is in a state of equilibrium. The doorbell might ring, a volcano could erupt, a poet could make a meaningful contribution to society (not really), but a man would not stir from equilibrium. The only thing that can stir a man from equilibrium is the power of thought, thus leading to most men’s aversion to thinking.

Our hypothetical man has a thought: He is hungry. Being hungry is not as comfortable as being in equilibrium, so the man assigns a negative value to his situation. He realizes the only way to regain equilibrium is by inputting positive stimuli to counteract his hunger, and he begins to calculate…

The man could fix himself a gourmet, nine-course French dinner, eliminating his hunger but placing him in a difficult position of over-stimulation. He would have to correct the over-stimulation through negative actions, such as getting up, learning to cook, and thinking about France, and he concludes that this course of action would result in a situation more negative than being hungry. The idea is summarily dismissed.

Next the man gauges that, although getting up is inevitable, walking distance and effort in food preparation can objectively be minimized through careful planning (the man is no longer afraid to think, being in a state of disequilibrium). He identifies the closest food that doesn’t require preparation, acquires the food, eats one box of dry raisin bran and a tin of Fancy Feast, then returns to his chair. He reevaluates his situation, realizes he is no longer hungry, and happily reenters equilibrium until, by nature or accident, he is again forced to think.

Now, not all disequilibrium is negative. A Man can add positive stimulation to his life by turning on the TV, passing gas, or momentarily enjoying the fact that his cat has died, so he need not replace the Fancy Feast can he just ate. Some men, however, suffer a particularly gruesome thought known as ambition, leaving them in a state of long-term disequilibrium solved only by progressively more grandiose positive stimuli, like fishing or car-ownership. To counteract these huge positive stimuli and return to equilibrium, these ambitious men generally resort to two extremes: Women and Work.

Work is generally the safer option, and most men (even the unambitious) partake in it to some extent. The tremendous negative stimulus of work yields a positive counter-stimulus in the form of money, which can be exchanged for new TVs and motivational posters reminding them not to adopt another cat. Women are the more extreme solution, yielding extreme highs and lows and requiring careful balancing, often resulting in more thought and yielding negative consequences for thoughtlessness that did not exist before the introduction of women.

To those still skeptical, quit reading. If you found this essay dull, go watch TV to reestablish equilibrium. If you enjoyed this essay, watch an Amy Schumer comedy special. If you are a woman, neither of these solutions will likely satisfy you because your mind does not naturally gravitate towards constant equilibrium. If this is the case, I present you with one final story:

A child is born. This makes the child very unhappy, and, being male, it introduces the positive stimulus of screaming and shouting about nothing in particular to resume equilibrium. At other times, it finds a breast within easy reach and, to counteract this new positive stimulus, it defecates on itself. These two cycles continue for some time until nature plays the cruel trick of developing sentience in the young human.

The young human enjoys a few years of mostly unobjectionable life, wherein it is given copious amounts of candy and toys in return for reductions in its odious personal habits. After this joyful era, however, comes school. School, being designed to constantly introduce new stimulation without adequate balancing in the form of idle mindlessness, causes great stress to the young human, and it responds by being a tiny demon until puberty.

When the child reaches puberty, he gains two useful abilities for counteracting the negative effects of school. First is the ability to stare mindlessly at women. Second is the heightened social acceptability of hitting each other, also known as sports. For the remainder of the male human’s life, sports and idle staring at women will occupy the majority of its waking hours. These two activities also frequently lead to ambition, whether to excel at sports (or at least get hit less by those who do), more actively interact with women, or stare idly at parts of women they are less inclined to show men who do not excel at sports. Enter work and women, followed by death.

In conclusion (another wonderful saying my professors told me not to use), comprehension of male thought and the corrective behavior that follows it can be enhanced by the study of economics. That’s pretty much the whole conclusion, but schooling has permanently damaged by ability to allow a conclusion to a single sentence. Don’t adopt a cat.

Leave a comment

Filed under To the Reader

And He Was Like, “Bohemian Rhapsody Is So Long…”

Sometimes you park your car

Just when a song starts playing

And you sing along, now knowing

That your plans are worth delaying.

For some folks it’s the Beatles,

And for some the Rolling Stones.

For me it’s Wagner’s Ring Cycle

Which is why I’m a pile of bones.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

We’ve Come A Long Way Since “Pong”

“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,

I’ve got a game idea

Where two people survive the apocalypse.”

“Sure, Mr. designer guy,

But instead of death and zombies

Make the focus on blooming relationships.”

“Great idea, but what if

Instead of playing through the game

Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”

“And what about having

Unskippable gay sex missions?

It’ll fly right off the shelves!”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner

Geppetto saw the puppet

Come alive one fateful night.

He hardly could contain his pure

Excitement and delight.

He asked, “What is your power?”

To which the toy replied,

“My nose grows when I’m truthful

“And I’ve never, ever lied.”

Geppetto took the puppet

On a tour of the land

And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”

To all the coarse and bland.

“A gift to puppetmakers

“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”

And so, in awe, they watched the nose

And drank unto his health.

And as the ugly stayed the same,

The poor stayed destitute,

The puppet stayed beloved,

For his word was absolute.

This lesson serves to illustrate

Wherefore in every hour

We ought not correlate the truth

With presence of a power.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

It’s Thick Enough That The Title Goes On The Spine!

A book came in the mail for me!

I wrote it and it came!

If you act quickly then you can

Experience the same!

It’s yours to buy on Amazon

(Or elsewhere if you’re odd):

It’s cheaper than an ounce of gold

And funnier than God!

Neutral background made of the author’s sweatpants not included…

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089279Y3W

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

What Happens When I Get Less Than 14 Hours Of Sleep

Today I am sleepy.

Tomorrow I’m somnolent.

Many already realized

This poem won’t rhyme.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

New To Alaska?

The air was full of mosquitoes

And someone gave me a spray:

“It’s called mosquito repellant

“And it keeps the bugs away.”

I put it on my body

And away went all my cares.

Now I’m going to try the spray

For repelling the bears!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Perhaps I Overstepped? (Pt. 2/3)

Five minutes ago I published

Twelve lines of verse about

Proper ways to socialize

For those who had a doubt.

Sometimes when I do publish

Things of that ilk I see

That someone gets offended

But this time it was me.

I read my writing quickly,

The slowly read again,

Appalled by what I’d written

With my figurative pen.

I got so mad I punched myself

Then sued myself. Outrageous!

Stay six feet away from yourself;

Stupidity’s contagious!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems