Tag Archives: Life

Then It Said It’s Name Was “Officer Jenkins” And That I Was “Under Arrest”

I sat down one evening

On a recliner

When a voice unkindly arose.

“I’m not a chair”

Called the voice through the air,

From the recliner I suppose.

Now most times I sit

That’s basically it.

Seldom do seats tell me “no.”

So I just have to say

If stuff goes on this way

We must ask how far it will go!

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RIP Bob (1945-2014), Most Valuable Employee (2015-Present)

A lot of Toms and Dicks and Harrys

Think of death as something scary,

But I see little cause for fright

In the unknown of an endless night.

Say a chicken passed away.

Some would cry and weep and sway

But I would fry it in some lard

In lieu of writing a sympathy card.

So if a friend or neighbor dies

Would it not be equally wise

Not to equate God to a beast

But to sell the corpse to Fancy Feast?

And if you are the one to pass

Why not do it with some class?

You’re dead, but life need not end. How?

Well, some call centers are hiring now…

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Facebook “Conversations”

You know that feeling

When you have to sneeze but can’t

And your nose you already blew?

Imagine that feeling

For an hour or so.

That’s how it feels to be talking with you.

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The Honest Politician’s Prayer

I am a tree without a trunk,

A neck without a spine,

A car without a chassis,

A roller coaster with no line.

I’m an eskimo in Florida,

Someone humble in LA.

You’ve probably never seen me

And it’ll probably stay that way.

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An Only-Somewhat-Exaggerated Tale Of Today (Dedicated To Seth)

Today I drove a thousand miles

From WA to San Jose,

With a bunch of flaming morons

Tailgating me the whole way,

Weaving through the traffic

Like quilters yearning for death

All behind a mini cooper

Going 20 (License Plate: IMSETH).

As I recline, safe somehow,

On my Californian bed

A realization formed inside

My woeful weary head.

I-5 South, the freeway

A thousand miles through crazyville

Should better be renamed

The route of all evil.

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Am I Transgender?

When I was born, the doctor

Did declare I was a boy,

But as I’ve grown big and older

I recognized the ploy.

I want to live a simple life

And never go to work

Which means I want to be a woman

(Either that or I’m a jerk).

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Hindsight Is 20/100

When I was ten

The world was bright.

The sun would wear a smile.

When I was twenty

The world was fun

And I ran a four-minute mile.

After I turned the thirty

The world was my oyster.

I was truly in the flow,

And now I’m ninety-eight years old

Being told “the memory’s first to go.”

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