Green escalators don’t exist,
And I think that’s a pity.
Playing cards are red and black,
But wouldn’t blue be pretty?
Sunsets can be orange or pink
But never violet hued,
And I’ve never seen a face so red
As when you saw me nude.
Category Archives: Poems
An Off-Color Poem
Mr. Woodchuck Goes Public
I’ve heard you pose the question
More often than you should,
About the amount of wood I would chuck
Were I able to chuck wood.
First, I can chuck wood.
Let’s just put that out there.
But this woodchuck doesn’t chuck much wood,
‘Cause this woodchuck doesn’t care.
After all, you can chuck wood too.
How often do you do that?
It’s a highly overrated job
For which I am too fat.
So here’s your stupid answer
From the mouth of this woodchuck.
I do chuck wood, but not as much as I should,
Cause the woodchuck doesn’t give a
Hey look, an acorn!
Filed under Poems
Why Nothing Changes
Why is my bed so warm
And the world so cold?
When my dreams are so young,
How does life get so old?
Why do we hide from the rain,
When the sun does the burning?
Is it money or love
That keeps the world turning?
I realize now
That this poem repeats
Yesterday’s theme
Only with different beats,
And maybe I’d change it,
But I don’t see the harm
When the world is so cold
And my bed is so warm.
Life’s Not-So-Great Questions
If the sun makes people smile true,
Why does it make the sky so blue?
Why is notebook paper just-so lined?
By whom was that line size defined?
How much does a scale weigh?
What is it the fox does say?
Why start with qwertyuiop?
Why not put abc on top?
These things we will never know.
‘Scuse me, now I’ve got to go.
Filed under Poems
On Unity and Stuff
Some see beauty in the city lights,
Some in the rising sun.
I see beauty in burritos.
Am I not the only one?
See, a burrito all begins
With a flat, round wheat tortilla.
It’s a metaphor of the world,
At least I think. Can’t you see-a?
Then you add the rice and beans,
The white, black, and brown blokes.
Then you cover them in cheese,
And voila! That’s all there is folks.
A burrito is a symbol
Of world peace and harmony.
So take a bite of that roll-so-tight.
Mmm. Tastes like unity.
Filed under Poems
Poor Misunderstood Little Maw
I looked into the maw,
The symbol of demise.
I gazed into the maw
Though its breathing burned my eyes.
I stared into the maw,
Fearsome, darkened, and devoid.
Then I smiled at the maw
And offered it an altoid.
Filed under Poems
My Mind’s Branches
My mind is an elm tree,
Or cedar, or spruce,
But not like the kind
That like to produce.
My mind may or may not
Be like a tree,
But it’s an excuse for a poem.
Did you expect better from me?
(And yes, this is happening
On New Year day three).
Filed under Poems
The Nature of Trophies
Once there stood a golden man
Who lived behind the glass.
He held a pose of triumph
Since he caught that touchdown pass.
For the first few years, he was well loved,
And people passing by
Would comment on that fateful game
And murmur, “What a guy.”
But as all things will die away,
So too the glory faded.
The visits and the murmurs stopped,
And the golden man got jaded.
One Winter day when school let out,
The golden man stepped down,
Opened his cage and ran away
Off to another town.
And when the children came again
And saw the case, they wondered
What person had done the act
That tore man and plinth asunder.
That day the base was thrown away
And the gold man was forgotten,
And a few days later no one cared,
And life just kept on trottin’.
And miles away, the golden man
Tossed his football to himself,
Happier having acted than
Forgotten on his shelf.
And thus is fame, gone with the win.
Victory comes when the new games begin.
Filed under Poems
Christmas Dragon
I got a dragon for Christmas,
And where my house used to be
Not a creature is stirring.
No, not even me.
See, it arrived all wrapped up
In gold wrapping paper.
I opened it, unaware
Of the upcoming caper.
Sure enough, once unwrapped
It flew into a rage,
And the dragon broke out
Of its carrying cage.
It blew fire from its nose
And gave off a roar
And it kept doing this
‘Til my house was no more.
Then it rose from the rubble
That it had created
And flew into the sky,
Its destructive urge sated.
So I lay down to sleep
Near a burnt fallen log,
And dream of next Christmas
When I’ll ask for a dog.
Filed under Poems
A Thanksgiving Poem (Naughty)
This Thanksgiving we’re giving
A meet and greet dinner,
Where new friends and old
Come to get much un-thinner.
Some guests shamble in,
Having fasted for hours,
Bearing pot-lucky food
And some freshly bought flowers.
A few hours later
We’ve chatted our chat,
So the guests head for home,
And all that is that.
Thanksgiving was given,
And food has been eaten,
And old friends and new
Have farewelled and been greeten.
What more could I want?
I am so truly blessed.
Ooh looky, half off
That new Gucci vest!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 