Tag Archives: Absurd

Really Puts Things In Perspective…

A seahorse is always angry

For that is the seahorse’s curse.

You probably can’t tell that it’s angry

And that just makes the poor thing feel worse.

The things that make seahorses happy

Are skis and the word “Bangalore.”

The next time that you see a seahorse

I hope you can empathize more.

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Christmas In Cascadia

We the people laugh and sing

Though our houses serve as graves

To the offspring of the forests

And the farms of evergreen slaves.

We hang lights on the bodies

Of the trees we cut ourselves

And celebrate the sootiness

Of indentured arctic elves.

Our celebration is offensive

To terrorists a world away

Thus to mention “Merry Christmas”

Means you’re probably anti-gay.

So just say “Happy Holidays,”

And smile and submit

So folks who think this poem is serious

Will not have a fit.

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They Did 9-11, I Promise

You don’t often hear stories

About giant sea cucumbers

Who dabble in intrigue

And paint by numbers.

You don’t hear the stories

Of the cukes of the night,

But they’re real. One day

You’ll see that I’m right…

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Um, Yeah, You Kinda Do…

When you slip on a banana

While you wish upon a star.

When you’re whistling Santana

And someone steals your car.

When you order Cappuccino

But you’re served Americano.

When your spelunk with Al Pacino

And you get covered in guano.

Whenever great things happen

Followed by a social gaffe…

Sure, that stuff is funny

But you don’t have to laugh!


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What If

What if chickens had no wings
And skin instead of feathers
And human legs and feet and heads
And wore clothing made from leather?

What if chickens were actually humans
But disguised as mindless poultry?
I don’t know what my conclusion is,
But I hope it’s something sultry.


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Wherein The Poet Gets The Girl (The Only Realistic Scenario)

I fell in love just ten hours ago
To, literally, the girl of my dreams.
We met while in prison and she kissed me so loud
That the guards thought the sound was a scream.

So they took her away and apparently killed her.
They fed her to Jabba the Hutt.
You can see why the dreamland convict I was
Felt like I’d been shanked in the gut.

And later I learned I’d inherited money
To pay off my million dollar “bounty.”
So I paid it and left, absolved for my theft
And fled to a different county.

There I met my love, alive and well
And we lived happily as we could have been.
Sometimes a poet need not be creative.
He need only remember his dreams.

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The Ides of January (Humberto’s Song)

Two months before Julius Caesar fell
Another death occurred.
The victim was Humberto Caesar,
The emperor’s pet bird.

Well Humberto was as loyal as
A domesticated bird could be,
But power comes along with a price:
Humberto had enemies.

Most prominent was Clint,
Brutus’s pet cat.
‘Twas a miserable furball of betrayal,
But every cat’s like that.

Well I don’t need to tell you
How Humberto was killed by Clint,
But being the Ides of January
Julius should have gotten the hint.

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On Unity and Stuff

Some see beauty in the city lights,
Some in the rising sun.
I see beauty in burritos.
Am I not the only one?

See, a burrito all begins
With a flat, round wheat tortilla.
It’s a metaphor of the world,
At least I think. Can’t you see-a?

Then you add the rice and beans,
The white, black, and brown blokes.
Then you cover them in cheese,
And voila! That’s all there is folks.

A burrito is a symbol
Of world peace and harmony.
So take a bite of that roll-so-tight.
Mmm. Tastes like unity.


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