Jared was a little dude
From Syracuse, New York
Who used to think his favorite meat
Was barbecue pulled pork.
Then he came upon a crowd
Of masturbating cattle
And now he says Beef strokin’ off
Has won the “best meat” battle.
Tag Archives: Naughty
Suck It, Hanging Gardens Of Babylon!
It rises like a mountain,
Slopes gently like a hill,
Softer than a lullaby
And gives me such a thrill;
A spectacle, a marvel,
And my mouth will never shut
As I gaze with loving splendor
On my girl’s majestic butt.
Filed under Poems
H*ck Yeah!
If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
Dr. Seuss Writes An Adult Book
All the Whos down in Whoville
Liked warm beds a lot,
But the Grinch north of Whoville
Had but one lukewarm cot.
For a while he was fine,
Sleeping without a care
‘Til he saw Roxxi Whooter
Whose “whos” just weren’t fair.
The Grinch called to Roxxi,
“Yoohoo, you Who! Who
“Are you?” And she answered
“Just the right Who for you.”
And so the two sidled
From the town to the cranny
Where the Grinch made his home.
On his mind? Hootenanny!
At first he was nervous,
But the Grinch got it going
When what once was hidden
Was suddenly showing.
His heart grew six sizes
But that wasn’t all,
For the Grinch had Thing One
And Thing Two, neither small…
A while shortly passed.
After that, one while more…
Not a Who down in Whoville
Got much sleep, that’s for sure.
What had been merely good
Seemed to now be fantastic
Until Roxxi Who asked,
“Will that be cash or plastic?”
Thus went Grinch’s money
And the Grinch’s six sizes.
To the real Dr. Seuss:
This poet apologizes.
Filed under Poems
Happy Prime Day (Or My Sense Of Humor When I Stay Up Too Late)
In 36 minutes
The world goes on sale
And you can buy with a click
A big TV
Or game machine
Or even a bigger… machine.
You can spend
With a plastic card
From a company that travels to Venus
But you’ll still seek
A solution to
Your very tiny… bank account.
I didn’t mean
For this poem to be
This amount of long,
But then I thought
Of way too many
Things that rhyme with… ya know?
And so I end
With a big salute
To anyone named Morgan
And wish you
Happy Prime Day
And a poetic male organ.
Filed under Poems
Also, My Stepmom Is A Lot More Distant Now
I got tired of seeing ads
For beer and women’s shoes
So I installed an ad blocker
‘Cause what did I have to lose?
Soon my girlfriend Yui called
Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”
I guess it’s my fault hot asians
Don’t want to date me anymore…
Filed under Poems
Extremely Forced Naughty Jokes Are Tight!
It might mean very different things
When I say to my girlfriend
“I still can’t understand you,”
Followed by: “Come again?”
Filed under Poems
The Dirty Mind Test
The colored leaves of Autumn
Were sweet, naïve, and tame
But all of that changed
When the leaf blower came…
They shuddered and whispered
And were blown like a flag,
Then they wiped themselves off
With the maple leaf rag.
Filed under Poems
Psalm 6:15 AM
1. And the Lord said: Thou shalt shower
2. And when thou have finished with the shower thou shall dry your face and balls
3. And shall dry thine face first, but sometimes have to dry it again after the balls
4. But fear not, for the Towel has a short memory
5. And where once thine genitals were dried, the spot shall be made clean
6. And the next morning the towel shall be refreshed, as if untouched the day prior.
7. And shouldst thou be aroused at any time
8. Thou shall hang the towel upon the “ready servant” and rejoice in your manliness
8. But thou shall not speak of this ritual to women,
9. ‘Cause bro, why wouldst thou?
The word of the Lord
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 