What child is this
You laid to rest
That in my lap
Is sleeping,
Whose face glows white
Like the face of God,
And why won’t my cell phone
Quit beeping?
Tag Archives: Christmas
The String Theory of Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And the night before too…
Santa worked with the time machine
‘Til he turned blue,
For he needed to ship out
A few billion presents
To all of the children
Of all of the peasants.
The flux gear grew wonky
(Which you’ll see is not great)
And entangled poor Santa
Into some quantum state.
For Santa existed
And yet he did not,
As is demonstrable by
Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.
And so if you ask
“Mama, is Santa flying?”
She should say “yes AND no,”
Or else mama is lying.
Filed under Poems
If You Can Read This, Don’t Bother
Today is a holiday
As you likely know.
I ate. Now I’m lazy
So I’m gonna go.
Filed under Poems
When Your Vocabulary Is Larger Than Your Target Audience
‘Twas Christmas Eve morning
And one hirsute hyperborean
Was done making toys
And now streaming “The Mandolorian.”
In a matter of hours
Gifts would be delivered on-time.
Meanwhile, one naughty poet
Was pleased with a rhyme.
Filed under Poems
Strange Phobias
There once was a young christmas tree
Who saw mom and dad chopped by me.
It stands still for now,
But someday, somehow
It will run fresh out of mercy…
Filed under Poems
Christmas Somewhen
Somewhen there’s a child
In the snowy winter night
Staring upward into Heaven
And onto the brightest star.
Somewhen there’s a desperate man
Who lost his latest fight
Who’ll spend the snowy evening
In the backseat of his car.
Somewhen a chilly gentleman
Will give one final cast;
A trip to somewhere lonely ends
With pulling on a rod.
Somewhen there’s a virgin
Sitting on her ass
As it carries her to Bethlehem
Where she’ll give birth to God.
Somewhen at the skating rink
He steals a midnight kiss
As the lights and drinks are flowing
And all life seems to rhyme.
Somewhen brothers stand as one
Amidst a toxic hiss
And proceed to kill themselves
One shot at a time.
Somewhen wrapping paper tears.
Somewhen candles light
Someone’s unspoken birthday wish
And others left forlorn.
Among the bullets, bottles, candles,
Kisses, stars, and night
I hope another savior
Somewhen in you is born.
Filed under Poems
Is Mary In Labor Yet?
We’ve waited for a while now
To celebrate some waiting,
Expectantly expecting
To be anticipating.
Today at last the wait can end
And world peace is beginning
Until the 26th occurs
And we resume our sinning.
Filed under Poems
Just A Century Ago
In the year 1918
Amidst a world we’ve never seen
The fighters of the first world war
Showed what God made our hearts for.
Among the trenches, wet and cold
A German soldier was so bold
As to sing, rather than fight,
A verse or two of “Silent Night.”
As dawn turned from gray to blue
One soldiers voice soon became two
And before the song was done
Two armies voices soon were one
And bayonets with white flags rose
And enemies came nose to nose
To swap greetings and cigarettes:
One Christmas morning, no regrets.
Whether trenches or safe spaces,
Between all people and all races
Lives a love that’s oft denied
That no longer should we hide.
If for a day or for a year
We sing of peace so foes can hear
Then whether brown or beige or black
We may just hear our foes sing back.
Filed under Poems
I’m Going To Say This Before Every Meal From Now On
Jesus was born in a manger
And in French “manger” means “to eat.”
I don’t know how that is relevant
But I still think it is neat.
Filed under Poems
Christmas In Cascadia
We the people laugh and sing
Though our houses serve as graves
To the offspring of the forests
And the farms of evergreen slaves.
We hang lights on the bodies
Of the trees we cut ourselves
And celebrate the sootiness
Of indentured arctic elves.
Our celebration is offensive
To terrorists a world away
Thus to mention “Merry Christmas”
Means you’re probably anti-gay.
So just say “Happy Holidays,”
And smile and submit
So folks who think this poem is serious
Will not have a fit.
Filed under Poems
