‘Twas the 10th of September
And on my TV
A commercial was playing
That terrified me:
‘Twas an ad for vacations
At Disneyland Park
But the song in the background
Made the magic go dark,
For the Disney execs
With audacity sheer
Played “It’s the most wonderful
“Time of the year.”
With my heart sinking faster
Than a billionaire’s submersible
I counted the ways
That their timing was cursable ,
Then with my ears bleeding
From this Disneyland bummer
I went out to enjoy
One more fortnight of Summer.
Filed under Poems
Everything is food to something
And food is a wonderful gift
So don’t think too much about presents
And embrace your omnivorous thrift.
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In the world of trees
Is Christmas the Hunger Games?
Asking for a friend…
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Growing up is hard.
Santa wants to make you smile.
Meet new Nuka-Sled!
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I know not of the origin
Of the fateful racial feud
Between the dwarves and elves of old
Nor how such hate ensued,
But the modern dwarf/elf rivalry
Is almost certainly due
To hiring dwarves at Christmas time
To dress as Santa’s crew.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And all through the crick
All the rednecks were calling
Old Francis a dick
‘Cause of all of the nights
To go hunting for deer
These nights are the very worst
Parts of the year.
He must’ve been drinking.
Why else would he look
For deer in the sky
And take the shot that he took?
Now all of the kiddies
Have stockings of air
‘Cause old Francis’s shotgun
Had pellets to spare.
But the crick kids were thankful
As they took a big bite
Of smoked red-nosed venison
On post-Christmas night.
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If you get a hippopotamus for Christmas
‘Cause only a hippopotamus will do
I won’t get a gift for you next Christmas
‘Cause you’ll just be hippopotamus poo.
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‘Twas the night before Christmas
And wouldn’t you know it,
Eight lines of verse
From your favorite poet!
Though the wording was brief
The message was clear:
I’m sleepy right now
But I’ll do better next year.
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I got a cool sword for Christmas
But the idiot at the store
Wrapped it in 100 feet of wrapping paper
And I cannot fathom what for.
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Hello Santa, my old friend.
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because it seems that you have been creeping,
Watching me while I was sleeping,
And the rating that you gave me on your list
Still persists
Within the sound of Christmas.
On snowy streets I walked alone,
Seeking humbly to atone.
Sounds of sleigh bells ‘round the holidays
Remind me all about my naughty ways
And my eyes are peeled for the red of a nose so bright
To light the night,
Guiding your flight this Christmas.
And in the Winter night I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People shopping without speaking
Snowflakes falling but not glistening,
Heard the same old songs from the 1950’s blared;
No one cared
To change the sound of Christmas.
“Fools” said I, “He always knows
How many sizes your hearts grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you
To not be naughty. I beseech you.”
But my words like silent snowflakes fell
And echoed with the bells of Christmas.
And the people bowed and prayed
Where the son of God was laid
While the signs flashed out their decree:
“Come in and buy one and you’ll get one free.”
And the line down the sidewalk
Seeking discounts will find their goal
And get some coal
In their stocking this Christmas”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 