Tag Archives: Christmas

I Put Zero Effort Into This Poem, And So Should You

It’s Christmas day!

It’s Christmas! Yay!

There are better things to do today

Than read this blog, so go away!

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Carols In Da Hood

Today as I was driving

Through the downtown Detroit snow

I heard such lovely music as

“Oh Nightly Hoe,”

“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”

“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”

“White Privilege Christmas”

And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”

I would have felt unsafe but I

Was with someone known well:

My inner-city Christmas buddy

Da’First No’El.

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December 23rd Urd Urd…

‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas

And all through the all through the house

Everyone was everyone was wondering

“Why the **** is everything echoey?”

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Amber Alert

What child is this

You laid to rest

That in my lap

Is sleeping,

Whose face glows white

Like the face of God,

And why won’t my cell phone

Quit beeping?

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The String Theory of Christmas

‘Twas the night after Christmas

And the night before too…

Santa worked with the time machine

‘Til he turned blue,

For he needed to ship out

A few billion presents

To all of the children

Of all of the peasants.

The flux gear grew wonky

(Which you’ll see is not great)

And entangled poor Santa

Into some quantum state.

For Santa existed

And yet he did not,

As is demonstrable by

Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.

And so if you ask

“Mama, is Santa flying?”

She should say “yes AND no,”

Or else mama is lying.

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If You Can Read This, Don’t Bother

Today is a holiday

As you likely know.

I ate. Now I’m lazy

So I’m gonna go.

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When Your Vocabulary Is Larger Than Your Target Audience

‘Twas Christmas Eve morning

And one hirsute hyperborean

Was done making toys

And now streaming “The Mandolorian.”

In a matter of hours

Gifts would be delivered on-time.

Meanwhile, one naughty poet

Was pleased with a rhyme.

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Strange Phobias

There once was a young christmas tree

Who saw mom and dad chopped by me.

It stands still for now,

But someday, somehow

It will run fresh out of mercy…

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Christmas Somewhen

Somewhen there’s a child

In the snowy winter night

Staring upward into Heaven

And onto the brightest star.

Somewhen there’s a desperate man

Who lost his latest fight

Who’ll spend the snowy evening

In the backseat of his car.

Somewhen a chilly gentleman

Will give one final cast;

A trip to somewhere lonely ends

With pulling on a rod.

Somewhen there’s a virgin

Sitting on her ass

As it carries her to Bethlehem

Where she’ll give birth to God.

Somewhen at the skating rink

He steals a midnight kiss

As the lights and drinks are flowing

And all life seems to rhyme.

Somewhen brothers stand as one

Amidst a toxic hiss

And proceed to kill themselves

One shot at a time.

Somewhen wrapping paper tears.

Somewhen candles light

Someone’s unspoken birthday wish

And others left forlorn.

Among the bullets, bottles, candles,

Kisses, stars, and night

I hope another savior

Somewhen in you is born.

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Is Mary In Labor Yet?

We’ve waited for a while now

To celebrate some waiting,

Expectantly expecting

To be anticipating.

Today at last the wait can end

And world peace is beginning

Until the 26th occurs

And we resume our sinning.

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