Tag Archives: Christmas

Amber Alert

What child is this

You laid to rest

That in my lap

Is sleeping,

Whose face glows white

Like the face of God,

And why won’t my cell phone

Quit beeping?

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The String Theory of Christmas

‘Twas the night after Christmas

And the night before too…

Santa worked with the time machine

‘Til he turned blue,

For he needed to ship out

A few billion presents

To all of the children

Of all of the peasants.

The flux gear grew wonky

(Which you’ll see is not great)

And entangled poor Santa

Into some quantum state.

For Santa existed

And yet he did not,

As is demonstrable by

Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.

And so if you ask

“Mama, is Santa flying?”

She should say “yes AND no,”

Or else mama is lying.

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If You Can Read This, Don’t Bother

Today is a holiday

As you likely know.

I ate. Now I’m lazy

So I’m gonna go.

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When Your Vocabulary Is Larger Than Your Target Audience

‘Twas Christmas Eve morning

And one hirsute hyperborean

Was done making toys

And now streaming “The Mandolorian.”

In a matter of hours

Gifts would be delivered on-time.

Meanwhile, one naughty poet

Was pleased with a rhyme.

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Strange Phobias

There once was a young christmas tree

Who saw mom and dad chopped by me.

It stands still for now,

But someday, somehow

It will run fresh out of mercy…

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Christmas Somewhen

Somewhen there’s a child

In the snowy winter night

Staring upward into Heaven

And onto the brightest star.

Somewhen there’s a desperate man

Who lost his latest fight

Who’ll spend the snowy evening

In the backseat of his car.

Somewhen a chilly gentleman

Will give one final cast;

A trip to somewhere lonely ends

With pulling on a rod.

Somewhen there’s a virgin

Sitting on her ass

As it carries her to Bethlehem

Where she’ll give birth to God.

Somewhen at the skating rink

He steals a midnight kiss

As the lights and drinks are flowing

And all life seems to rhyme.

Somewhen brothers stand as one

Amidst a toxic hiss

And proceed to kill themselves

One shot at a time.

Somewhen wrapping paper tears.

Somewhen candles light

Someone’s unspoken birthday wish

And others left forlorn.

Among the bullets, bottles, candles,

Kisses, stars, and night

I hope another savior

Somewhen in you is born.

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Is Mary In Labor Yet?

We’ve waited for a while now

To celebrate some waiting,

Expectantly expecting

To be anticipating.

Today at last the wait can end

And world peace is beginning

Until the 26th occurs

And we resume our sinning.

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Just A Century Ago

In the year 1918

Amidst a world we’ve never seen

The fighters of the first world war

Showed what God made our hearts for.

Among the trenches, wet and cold

A German soldier was so bold

As to sing, rather than fight,

A verse or two of “Silent Night.”

As dawn turned from gray to blue

One soldiers voice soon became two

And before the song was done

Two armies voices soon were one

And bayonets with white flags rose

And enemies came nose to nose

To swap greetings and cigarettes:

One Christmas morning, no regrets.

Whether trenches or safe spaces,

Between all people and all races

Lives a love that’s oft denied

That no longer should we hide.

If for a day or for a year

We sing of peace so foes can hear

Then whether brown or beige or black

We may just hear our foes sing back.

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I’m Going To Say This Before Every Meal From Now On

Jesus was born in a manger

And in French “manger” means “to eat.”

I don’t know how that is relevant

But I still think it is neat.

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Christmas In Cascadia

We the people laugh and sing

Though our houses serve as graves

To the offspring of the forests

And the farms of evergreen slaves.

We hang lights on the bodies

Of the trees we cut ourselves

And celebrate the sootiness

Of indentured arctic elves.

Our celebration is offensive

To terrorists a world away

Thus to mention “Merry Christmas”

Means you’re probably anti-gay.

So just say “Happy Holidays,”

And smile and submit

So folks who think this poem is serious

Will not have a fit.

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