I know not of the origin
Of the fateful racial feud
Between the dwarves and elves of old
Nor how such hate ensued,
But the modern dwarf/elf rivalry
Is almost certainly due
To hiring dwarves at Christmas time
To dress as Santa’s crew.
Tag Archives: Christmas
The Redneck Reindeer
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And all through the crick
All the rednecks were calling
Old Francis a dick
‘Cause of all of the nights
To go hunting for deer
These nights are the very worst
Parts of the year.
He must’ve been drinking.
Why else would he look
For deer in the sky
And take the shot that he took?
Now all of the kiddies
Have stockings of air
‘Cause old Francis’s shotgun
Had pellets to spare.
But the crick kids were thankful
As they took a big bite
Of smoked red-nosed venison
On post-Christmas night.
Filed under Poems
We All Know Someone Who Deserves This Gift Though
If you get a hippopotamus for Christmas
‘Cause only a hippopotamus will do
I won’t get a gift for you next Christmas
‘Cause you’ll just be hippopotamus poo.
Filed under Poems
Starting The Resolutions Early
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And wouldn’t you know it,
Eight lines of verse
From your favorite poet!
Though the wording was brief
The message was clear:
I’m sleepy right now
But I’ll do better next year.
Filed under Poems
Tube Go Whoosh!
I got a cool sword for Christmas
But the idiot at the store
Wrapped it in 100 feet of wrapping paper
And I cannot fathom what for.
Filed under Poems
The Sound Of Christmas
Hello Santa, my old friend.
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because it seems that you have been creeping,
Watching me while I was sleeping,
And the rating that you gave me on your list
Still persists
Within the sound of Christmas.
On snowy streets I walked alone,
Seeking humbly to atone.
Sounds of sleigh bells ‘round the holidays
Remind me all about my naughty ways
And my eyes are peeled for the red of a nose so bright
To light the night,
Guiding your flight this Christmas.
And in the Winter night I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People shopping without speaking
Snowflakes falling but not glistening,
Heard the same old songs from the 1950’s blared;
No one cared
To change the sound of Christmas.
“Fools” said I, “He always knows
How many sizes your hearts grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you
To not be naughty. I beseech you.”
But my words like silent snowflakes fell
And echoed with the bells of Christmas.
And the people bowed and prayed
Where the son of God was laid
While the signs flashed out their decree:
“Come in and buy one and you’ll get one free.”
And the line down the sidewalk
Seeking discounts will find their goal
And get some coal
In their stocking this Christmas”
Filed under Poems
Something To Hide, Fat Man?
There was a thump by the fireplace
So I snuck out to see
If I could catch old Santa Claus
Putting gifts beneath the tree.
Sure enough, that fat jolly elf
Was supplying Christmas cheer
While muttering curses to himself,
Halfway through a six-pack of beer.
“Hi Santa”, I said, then charmingly smiled.
Saint Nick jumped a foot in the air.
“What on earth are you doing, young innocent child?
“It’s way past bed time. Don’t you care?”
And so I was stuck in a Catch-22:
To say that I cared was a lie
And as any child my age surely knew
That would make my presents go goodbye
But to say I don’t care about bed time
Is naughty list stuff (or adjacent)
So I smiled and said, “Oops, off to bed!”
And I went to my room to be patient.
Next morning I woke and discovered, delighted,
My gifts were still under the tree
So that drunk so-and-so who guffaws “ho-ho-ho”
Must be naughtier even than me?
Filed under Poems
The Santa/Netflix Dichotomy
When people say that Santa Claus
Is, and has always been, white
I agree with them in principle
But ask if it’s alright
That going down a million chimneys
Every Christmas night
Would make him look like blackface
‘Cause I like to start a fight.
Filed under Poems
Legitimate Question For The Floridians (Sending Love From Washington State)
So in the warm parts of the world
Where the snow never falls in December
Do they still play the same Christmas carols
Or some songs Northerners don’t remember
Like “I want a gator for Christmas”
Or “Chestnuts roasting in a forest fire”
Or my particular favorite:
“There’s no snow to shovel when I retire”?
Filed under Poems
Be Me, A 30-Year-Old Child
Wrapping paper tube
In my mind a light saber
Wife is not impressed
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 