Tag Archives: Christmas

Careful Where You Hang Your Hat

Some friends and I were mucking about

The attic when we found

And old top hat with a label that

Said “This makes men dance around.”

So we rolled some snowballs up

And made a face of carrot and coal

And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap

And pretended he had a soul.

Alas, for us, the sun was hot

And dancers tend to sweat

So when the day had gone away

That magic hat was wet,

So we hung it by the fire

Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…

So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.

‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!

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Christmas Music After They Take Jesus Out

You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,

Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,

But do you recall

The most famous Mickey of all?

Mickey the big-dick Reindeer

Had a very shiny body part

And if you go deep enough on Google

You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh, except the does.

They just avoided contact

To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say…

“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.

I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”

Then how the laughter halted

As they watched the rebels flee.

“We’re sorry for feeling threatened

By your girthy masculinity!”

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I Put Zero Effort Into This Poem, And So Should You

It’s Christmas day!

It’s Christmas! Yay!

There are better things to do today

Than read this blog, so go away!

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Carols In Da Hood

Today as I was driving

Through the downtown Detroit snow

I heard such lovely music as

“Oh Nightly Hoe,”

“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”

“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”

“White Privilege Christmas”

And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”

I would have felt unsafe but I

Was with someone known well:

My inner-city Christmas buddy

Da’First No’El.

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December 23rd Urd Urd…

‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas

And all through the all through the house

Everyone was everyone was wondering

“Why the **** is everything echoey?”

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Amber Alert

What child is this

You laid to rest

That in my lap

Is sleeping,

Whose face glows white

Like the face of God,

And why won’t my cell phone

Quit beeping?

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The String Theory of Christmas

‘Twas the night after Christmas

And the night before too…

Santa worked with the time machine

‘Til he turned blue,

For he needed to ship out

A few billion presents

To all of the children

Of all of the peasants.

The flux gear grew wonky

(Which you’ll see is not great)

And entangled poor Santa

Into some quantum state.

For Santa existed

And yet he did not,

As is demonstrable by

Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.

And so if you ask

“Mama, is Santa flying?”

She should say “yes AND no,”

Or else mama is lying.

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If You Can Read This, Don’t Bother

Today is a holiday

As you likely know.

I ate. Now I’m lazy

So I’m gonna go.

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When Your Vocabulary Is Larger Than Your Target Audience

‘Twas Christmas Eve morning

And one hirsute hyperborean

Was done making toys

And now streaming “The Mandolorian.”

In a matter of hours

Gifts would be delivered on-time.

Meanwhile, one naughty poet

Was pleased with a rhyme.

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Strange Phobias

There once was a young christmas tree

Who saw mom and dad chopped by me.

It stands still for now,

But someday, somehow

It will run fresh out of mercy…

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