Christmas day
Is almost past.
The next Christmas song
Could be the last.
Santa’s unpacked
His magic sleigh,
Yet the in-laws
Still won’t go away…
Tag Archives: Christmas
A Constipated Mind
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And things were amiss.
A poet was blocked up
And so he wrote this.
But you’ve all got presents
And family and junk,
So I hope you’ll forgive me
This holiday funk.
And if you lack junk,
Family, and gifts,
Let’s hope that next year
Your luck favorably shifts.
Filed under Poems
Chocolate and Jewelry: Done
‘Twas two days before Christmas
And off at the mall
Were all of the husbands
Who dropped the gift ball.
Filed under Poems
A Forward-Thinking Fellow
I raised my chimney nine inches
When I remodeled my home.
It makes the opening hard to reach
For a reindeer, elf, or gnome,
So I installed a dumbwaiter
To help the givers out.
It makes it hard to build a fire,
But I feel like it gives me clout.
Filed under Poems
‘Twas the Month Before Christmas
The reindeer grew impatient.
They’d not flown for a year,
And so had entertained themselves
With dirty jokes and beer.
The big night was six weeks away.
They wanted to hit the gym,
But they had to have permission from
The one, the only… Him.
So Cupid and Vixen volunteered
To do some good deer/bad deer
And get their training authorized
By mister snowy-white beard.
“Mista Claus?” Cupid asked
In her Boston reindeer drawl.
“Our bellies all got really big
And our muscles super small.”
The big red suit stayed silent
Giving no indication,
So Vixen thought the time was ripe
For some intimidation.
She leapt upon his table
And wished that she had antlers.
She smashed a few of Santa’s toys
And three vodka decanters.
Cupid saw it coming
But a few seconds too late:
Santa’s eyes got angry,
And Vixen was served on a plate.
Seven subdued reindeer
Resumed their aimless days,
Their hopes of strength forsaken
By the mounting Christmas haze.
Four weeks later, the seven awoke
To a burning reddish glare.
A red-nosed reindeer robot
Was flying through the air.
They knew at once they’d been replaced,
And that they’d have to go
To avoid poor Vixen’s fate,
Come the next Ho-Ho-Ho.
So somewhere in Alaska
Seven flabby caribou
Seek someone to fly away with them.
Perhaps it will be you?
Filed under Poems
Climate Change for the Better: A Christmas Story
I for one like global warming.
Who wouldn’t mind extra Summer?
I guess at first in New Orleans
The flooding would be a bummer,
But all that would be rectified
When Santa relocates there
With his team of penguin helpers
And his red-nosed polar bear.
No longer are there jingle bells,
But strings of plastic beads.
Some zydeco Christmas Carols
Are what this country needs,
So drive your hummers and SUV’s
And feed beans to your cows.
I’ve enjoyed sharing my wisdom,
But now I’ve got some rabble to rouse.
Filed under Poems
It All Begins With A Partridge
At first I thought myself lucky
To finally have someone buy
At my birds-in-trees emporium,
No less, at Christmas time.
The first day they bought a partridge,
Then later doves and hens.
They bought seven swimming swans.
But it got disturbing when
They tried to buy athletic lords
And dancing ladies too.
They offered me millions for drummers.
What’s this bird seller to do?
So no, I don’t want to divorce you,
Unlike the parrot sings.
I just need the wedding band back
So I can sell them five golden rings.
Christmas Dragon
I got a dragon for Christmas,
And where my house used to be
Not a creature is stirring.
No, not even me.
See, it arrived all wrapped up
In gold wrapping paper.
I opened it, unaware
Of the upcoming caper.
Sure enough, once unwrapped
It flew into a rage,
And the dragon broke out
Of its carrying cage.
It blew fire from its nose
And gave off a roar
And it kept doing this
‘Til my house was no more.
Then it rose from the rubble
That it had created
And flew into the sky,
Its destructive urge sated.
So I lay down to sleep
Near a burnt fallen log,
And dream of next Christmas
When I’ll ask for a dog.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 