A while ago I wrote a poem
About how to be your own son.
Recently, through Jesus,
I wrote another one:
If you are a grandfather
Of your son’s male offspring
I’m happy to report that you
Can do an exciting thing…
If your son joins the clergy
As a Presbyterian
And you go to his church
Your grandkid is your Father’s son.
Filed under Poems
I was an ordinary guy
Who married a single mom.
My new wife had an adult son…
I chose to call him Tom.
I was the product of a household
If a single mom as well
And it just so happened that my mom
Was my son Tom’s new belle.
Mom and Tom got married
And things got really fun
‘Cause a man who’s now my uncle
Is also my stepson.
Also interesting,
And nearly twice as bad,
Is that my stepson/uncle
Is also now my dad.
So if my son’s my father
Then I really have become
My own father as well
Since I’m my father’s father’s son.
Thus I am at once myself
And someone unrelated.
One of me is weirded out;
The other is elated.
Filed under Poems
I’m proud to be half-centaur
And so are my sister and brother.
We have human legs
And a centaur’s torso
And a very satisfied mother.
Filed under Poems
I was not prepared
For how badly I’d be scared
When mom called “a^2 + 2ab
“+b^2, come here to me.”
FYI, my name’s (a+b)^2
Filed under Poems
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
Today we thank our mothers,
The reason we’re alive,
The commuter jets of fetuses
That ensured to life we’d arrive.
And after our delivery
Their labors didn’t stop;
Our every cry reminded them
Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.
They spent many sleepless hours
Changing diapers, wiping tears,
Just for us to becomes teenagers
All full of angst and sneers.
But two moms we thank today
Whose children are divine.
One is the virgin Mary
And the other mom is mine.
Filed under Poems
I see little boys and girls
With very unique names
Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,
Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.
Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,
But “Crookshanks…” not so much.
So here are some modern names
I think are better much:
Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,
Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,
Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.
Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!
Filed under Poems
