Tag Archives: Family

Conversation Openers

My wife starts conversations

By saying, “Hey there honey!”

My son starts conversations

By saying, “I need money.”

But no one beats my daughter

Who starts to talk to me

With, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said!

“I hate you! OMG!”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Bless Me Son, For I Done Sinned

A while ago I wrote a poem

About how to be your own son.

Recently, through Jesus,

I wrote another one:

If you are a grandfather

Of your son’s male offspring

I’m happy to report that you

Can do an exciting thing…

If your son joins the clergy

As a Presbyterian

And you go to his church

Your grandkid is your Father’s son.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Infinity

I was an ordinary guy

Who married a single mom.

My new wife had an adult son…

I chose to call him Tom.

I was the product of a household

If a single mom as well

And it just so happened that my mom

Was my son Tom’s new belle.

Mom and Tom got married

And things got really fun

‘Cause a man who’s now my uncle

Is also my stepson.

Also interesting,

And nearly twice as bad,

Is that my stepson/uncle

Is also now my dad.

So if my son’s my father

Then I really have become

My own father as well

Since I’m my father’s father’s son.

Thus I am at once myself

And someone unrelated.

One of me is weirded out;

The other is elated.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Did You Read The New Twilight Spinoff?

I’m proud to be half-centaur

And so are my sister and brother.

We have human legs

And a centaur’s torso

And a very satisfied mother.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

When Parents Use Your Full Name

I was not prepared

For how badly I’d be scared

When mom called “a^2 + 2ab

“+b^2, come here to me.”

FYI, my name’s (a+b)^2

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Family Diner

I went to a family diner

I ordered a “family omelette”.

The menu wasn’t specific

So I waited to see what I’d get.

When they delivered the omelette

I found myself rather stricken

‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”

Was apparently just eggs and chicken.

The submenu options included

The “family omelette deluxe”

Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,

Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.

The Conservative family omelette

Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.

The Liberal family omelette

Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.

The feminist family omelette

Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.

The black family omelette had half as much chicken

‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.

The Japanese family omelette

Came with an unrealistic hairdo

And, upon looking closer, you’ll find

It has better SAT scores than you.

When I went to that family diner

I brought my future wife on a date.

I still visit on weekends and holidays

When I don’t have a lot on my plate.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Without My Mom You’d Still Be Pretending To Like Robert Frost

Today we thank our mothers,

The reason we’re alive,

The commuter jets of fetuses

That ensured to life we’d arrive.

And after our delivery

Their labors didn’t stop;

Our every cry reminded them

Of a long-ago hop-on-Pop.

They spent many sleepless hours

Changing diapers, wiping tears,

Just for us to becomes teenagers

All full of angst and sneers.

But two moms we thank today

Whose children are divine.

One is the virgin Mary

And the other mom is mine.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Or Just Misspell A Biblical Name

I see little boys and girls

With very unique names

Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,

Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.

Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,

But “Crookshanks…” not so much.

So here are some modern names

I think are better much:

Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,

Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,

Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.

Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Too Soon?

You’ll remember me

When you smell the sun

On the earth between your toes

In the forest we

Explored as kids,

Where the tree we planted grows.

You’ll remember me

When the bulldogs win,

When you wear my number 9

When you see two kids

Sitting in the stands

Though the lights no longer shine.

You’ll remember me

When you hear our song,

The one I chose to sing

When I kneeled down

And I gave my voice

‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.

You’ll remember me

When our children smile

And ask you for a snack,

As you trim their crust

And recall that day,

When our baby hugged you back.

You’ll remember me

When the house we built

Is serene in Autumn’s glow,

When the snow comes down

And its quiet like

It was eighteen years ago.

You’ll remember me

As our thin white hair

Falls on our Yahtzee game.

You’ll remember this

And so much more

If you’ll just tell me your name.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Happy Memories and Family…ish

Snow and presents,

Carols, nostalgia.

Yes, ’tis the season

And that’s why I called ‘ya.

We had a great year.

Yeah, the kids are alright.

I’m glad you’re my family.

Call you next year. Good night.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems