Tag Archives: Alaska

Welcome To Alaska

‘Twas 1:00 O’clock, so said my watch

But be it day or night

I could not tell, for in the sky

Was a full moon so bright.

Beside it in the starlight

A single star shone brighter;

It was the sun, and so begun

Our first three-month all-nighter.

In the East the sun did rise,

And in the West it sets,

But in the North it matters not

How late the daytime gets.

‘Twas in the Summer moonlight

That I saw the Summer sun,

And so it is both day and night

Until the Summer’s done.

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New To Alaska?

The air was full of mosquitoes

And someone gave me a spray:

“It’s called mosquito repellant

“And it keeps the bugs away.”

I put it on my body

And away went all my cares.

Now I’m going to try the spray

For repelling the bears!

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True Story Guest Post: The Epic of Hwy 99

Such a travesty is BC Hwy 99I think the guys who built it were blind

Or perhaps were very drunk

This road doesn’t make sense to a duck. 
The road was built for Mario Cart

Level one is 340 degree turns

Level two is curves that lead to un-marked one-lane bridges

Level three add turning trucks

And if that isn’t more than enough 

Level four the deer are suicidal. 

Level five we take away the road signs

Level six adds falling rocks

Level seven adds the rain

Level eight is and 15% grade

Level nine is 10 km/hr on that grade
I don’t want to reach level ten —

Not even the Buddha has that level zen. 
JOFFRE LAKES!

Now it all makes sense!
And at the village intersection 

As the clock strikes midnight, 

We pass the bloody Grim. 

And across a bridge we go 

To be warned of washout conditions. 
I have 99 problems 

And this road is all of them. 

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‘Twas the Month Before Christmas

The reindeer grew impatient.
They’d not flown for a year,
And so had entertained themselves
With dirty jokes and beer.

The big night was six weeks away.
They wanted to hit the gym,
But they had to have permission from
The one, the only… Him.

So Cupid and Vixen volunteered
To do some good deer/bad deer
And get their training authorized
By mister snowy-white beard.

“Mista Claus?” Cupid asked
In her Boston reindeer drawl.
“Our bellies all got really big
And our muscles super small.”

The big red suit stayed silent
Giving no indication,
So Vixen thought the time was ripe
For some intimidation.

She leapt upon his table
And wished that she had antlers.
She smashed a few of Santa’s toys
And three vodka decanters.

Cupid saw it coming
But a few seconds too late:
Santa’s eyes got angry,
And Vixen was served on a plate.

Seven subdued reindeer
Resumed their aimless days,
Their hopes of strength forsaken
By the mounting Christmas haze.

Four weeks later, the seven awoke
To a burning reddish glare.
A red-nosed reindeer robot
Was flying through the air.

They knew at once they’d been replaced,
And that they’d have to go
To avoid poor Vixen’s fate,
Come the next Ho-Ho-Ho.

So somewhere in Alaska
Seven flabby caribou
Seek someone to fly away with them.
Perhaps it will be you?

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Alaska

I walk among
the snowy trees
Enveloped by
a chilling breeze.
I see a moose
among the arbors
And wonder what
secrets it harbors.

I brush my hand
against the branches
And remember a war
fought in the tranches.
The bullets flew,
The blood rained red
‘Til everyone but me
Was dead.

So I look at the moose
Who’ll never fight
A war he don’t
Believe is right.
I envy him,
The big dumb deer,
And I know I’ll live
My life out here,

Never alone
Among the trees.
I’ll always have
The memories.

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