Tag Archives: Black Humor

This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you no longer exist

You will not be scared or sad

Annoyed, confused, or pissed;

You will not suffer any pain

Or shed a single tear,

No longer prone to earthly woes,

‘Cause you’re no longer here!

If you cease to be a thing

Nothing will cause you harm.

You won’t regret the time you wasted

On your Facebook farm.

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you’re absent from the dawn

You won’t mind when the whole world sings

“Thank God he’s finally gone!”

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In Other News, The Pipe Organ Will Be Renamed “The Vapiano”

Today at the store

I saw advertised

“Raspberry oranges”

Which I soon surmised

Were simply blood oranges

Rebranded so they

Would not offend those

Whose balls went away.

Now as days get longer

And evenings get hotter

I give thanks that raspberries

Are thicker than water.

If I buy some candy

With a blue-raspberry taste

I’ll know royal blood

Has great suffering faced.

I’ll go to church

For the raspberry of Christ.

Instead of blood running cold

I’ll make raspberry ice!

Yes, the pussification

Of America is sweet

‘Til the raspberry of Patriots

Signals final defeat!

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This Is Why God Chose Me To Have A Poet’s Salary

If I had a billion dollars

I’d buy a sports franchise

And make a special policy

To only hire guys

With super inappropriate surnames

Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,

And listen to the commentators

Say their names for hours…

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Yeah, The Secret Paedophile Lizards Have Gone Too Far Now…

I needed some lubrication

(Not for that, you dirty cad!)

So I went to the supermarket

To see what types they had.

They had oil made from olives,

Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,

And ingredients I can’t pronounce

Even if I tried for hours.

But then I saw a product

That set my blood a boil:

Somebody was selling there

A jar of baby oil!

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Carols In Da Hood

Today as I was driving

Through the downtown Detroit snow

I heard such lovely music as

“Oh Nightly Hoe,”

“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”

“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”

“White Privilege Christmas”

And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”

I would have felt unsafe but I

Was with someone known well:

My inner-city Christmas buddy

Da’First No’El.

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When You Speak To A Chihuahua Without A Stupid Accent…

“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”

They said and pulled me to the car.

But they didn’t use a cutesy voice

So I killed them (I had no choice).

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Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland

Everything was going well

Until I ate that Taco Bell…

For one glorious ride I was a fountain

In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.

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Thanks New World Order!

This year they started teaching kids

As young as five-years-old

That gender is whatever you choose

And not just what you’re told.

To celebrate this progress

In sex-ed for the prepubescent

I thought of a list of titles

For children’s books in this age present:

“Everybody Fucks,” for one;

Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;

“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;

Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.

“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;

“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;

And a favorite of drag queen story hour:

“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable

Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?

Don’t worry! For kids who are too young

We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!

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Bad News: I’m Banned From Amazon.com… Good News: My Phone Is Waterproof, And Blood Is Thicker Than Water

A friend texted me the word “Nose”

Then: “I wrote the word nose with my nose.”

A second friend texted “Toes”

And I think you see where this eventually goes…

They wrote “Penis”, “Dolphin”, “Rose”

And I knew it was hard to one-up those

Thus my search for “The blood of America’s foes:

“Enough to fill a fireman’s hose.”

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Smells Like Home, Tastes Like [Redacted]

The CIA captured the boss

Of a domestic terrorist cell.

They did everything they could do

To “convince” the guy to tell

What he’s planning, what he knows,

But the criminal never cracked

Until the feds quit waterboarding him

And made him drink vanilla extract.

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