If the sun comes up tomorrow
And you no longer exist
You will not be scared or sad
Annoyed, confused, or pissed;
You will not suffer any pain
Or shed a single tear,
No longer prone to earthly woes,
‘Cause you’re no longer here!
If you cease to be a thing
Nothing will cause you harm.
You won’t regret the time you wasted
On your Facebook farm.
If the sun comes up tomorrow
And you’re absent from the dawn
You won’t mind when the whole world sings
“Thank God he’s finally gone!”
Filed under Poems
Today at the store
I saw advertised
“Raspberry oranges”
Which I soon surmised
Were simply blood oranges
Rebranded so they
Would not offend those
Whose balls went away.
Now as days get longer
And evenings get hotter
I give thanks that raspberries
Are thicker than water.
If I buy some candy
With a blue-raspberry taste
I’ll know royal blood
Has great suffering faced.
I’ll go to church
For the raspberry of Christ.
Instead of blood running cold
I’ll make raspberry ice!
Yes, the pussification
Of America is sweet
‘Til the raspberry of Patriots
Signals final defeat!
Filed under Poems
If I had a billion dollars
I’d buy a sports franchise
And make a special policy
To only hire guys
With super inappropriate surnames
Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,
And listen to the commentators
Say their names for hours…
Filed under Poems
I needed some lubrication
(Not for that, you dirty cad!)
So I went to the supermarket
To see what types they had.
They had oil made from olives,
Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,
And ingredients I can’t pronounce
Even if I tried for hours.
But then I saw a product
That set my blood a boil:
Somebody was selling there
A jar of baby oil!
Filed under Poems
Today as I was driving
Through the downtown Detroit snow
I heard such lovely music as
“Oh Nightly Hoe,”
“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”
“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”
“White Privilege Christmas”
And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”
I would have felt unsafe but I
Was with someone known well:
My inner-city Christmas buddy
Da’First No’El.
Filed under Poems
“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”
They said and pulled me to the car.
But they didn’t use a cutesy voice
So I killed them (I had no choice).
Filed under Poems
Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
Filed under Poems
This year they started teaching kids
As young as five-years-old
That gender is whatever you choose
And not just what you’re told.
To celebrate this progress
In sex-ed for the prepubescent
I thought of a list of titles
For children’s books in this age present:
“Everybody Fucks,” for one;
Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;
“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;
Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.
“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;
“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;
And a favorite of drag queen story hour:
“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable
Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?
Don’t worry! For kids who are too young
We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!
Filed under Poems
A friend texted me the word “Nose”
Then: “I wrote the word nose with my nose.”
A second friend texted “Toes”
And I think you see where this eventually goes…
They wrote “Penis”, “Dolphin”, “Rose”
And I knew it was hard to one-up those
Thus my search for “The blood of America’s foes:
“Enough to fill a fireman’s hose.”
Filed under Poems
The CIA captured the boss
Of a domestic terrorist cell.
They did everything they could do
To “convince” the guy to tell
What he’s planning, what he knows,
But the criminal never cracked
Until the feds quit waterboarding him
And made him drink vanilla extract.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 