Tag Archives: Black Humor

Empathy Is For Other People

Sometimes I think I have a lot

Upon my figurative plate

Because I have so little time

And go to sleep too late

And then I see somebody

Working nineteen hours for minimal pay

And I go home just thinking

“What flavor pizza should I get today?”

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Dr. Strangelove 2, Or How The Bomb Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Herself

I wanted to ask a guy to the prom

But alas I’m a thermonuclear bomb.

Were I to go out in a pretty pink dress

I’d make the whole world feel considerable stress

And instead of the dancing and sighing and kissing

Everyone would shout “Hey, there’s a warhead that’s missing”

And before I’d say “Chill guys, you’re all being dumb”

They’d put me back with the uranium.

And so in my bunker I cry and I dream

Of a man who will see me for more than I seem,

Who’ll sweep me away for one memorable night

Even though afterwards the world won’t be alright…

But maybe a man cannot make me complete

And instead I’ll be happy as radiant heat?

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Butt Why?

If you think your job is bad

I think I’ve got you bested:

Today I read on a rectal thermometer

“Each unit individually tested.”

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Finally Some Recognition!

‘Twas the day after Easter

And the kids were off school

Eating copious sugar

And emitting much drool

When a rabbit emerged

And said “Sorry I’m late!”

Then he hid eggs all over

And hopped over the gate.

The children tried chasing,

But bunnies are fast…

Then it dawned on a child

Who whispered at last

“If the bunny came here

“Today, who was that

“Who brought candy yesterday?”

Thus smiled the Easter Rat.

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Confessions of an Art Professor

Sure, his work was childish

And adequate at best…

Did I give too much homework

Or too difficult a test?

Perhaps I judged too harshly…

I didn’t know I’d cause a fuss

When I told my student, Adolf,

That he’d earned a big D+

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Yet Another Tinder Success

She was skinnier than the toilet paper

They gave me in the slammer.

Her favorite flavor of potato chip

Was probably “Arm and Hammer.”

She weighs 90 pounds in flip-flops

And half as much without

And her hair was like the love child

Of silly string and sauerkraut.

When I picked her up at 7:00

I mistook her for her Pomeranian.

Turns out she was trilingual:

English, Klingon, and Albanian.

We went to see a movie:

“Alvin the Chipmunk meets Baby Shark.”

I’m not saying I’m desperate

But I think I felt a spark!

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12 Vs. 22

“My tummy hurts.

My throat is sore.

I don’t want to go school no more.“

“My soul is charred.

My dreams are dead.

Take an aspirin and go to bed.”

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That One Episode Of Whatever Sci-Fi Show Had The Right Idea

I think we should legalize drugs

And make them free with dosage immense;

Everyone who wants drugs will be happy

And then die. I just think it makes sense!

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Ask Me About My School Lunch Policy

If I had a peanut

For every time I had a dark thought

There we be fewer kids with allergies

And crematoriums would profit a lot.

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Sincerely, Asian Parents

If at first you don’t succeed

Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed

Then every day remind your kid

They need to succeed at what you never did.

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