Tag Archives: Black Humor

That One Episode Of Whatever Sci-Fi Show Had The Right Idea

I think we should legalize drugs

And make them free with dosage immense;

Everyone who wants drugs will be happy

And then die. I just think it makes sense!

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Ask Me About My School Lunch Policy

If I had a peanut

For every time I had a dark thought

There we be fewer kids with allergies

And crematoriums would profit a lot.

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Sincerely, Asian Parents

If at first you don’t succeed

Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed

Then every day remind your kid

They need to succeed at what you never did.

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Psychiatrists Might Call This “A Cry For Help”

There once was a homicidal maniac

Who like to hold poets hostage.

He may not understand rhyming

But as long as I keep writing

He won’t turn me into bolognese sauce…

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Plus Now The Taxidermist Has An Amazing Story!

Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.

Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.

I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out

But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.

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A Man Has ArachNeeds

I spent weeks building my mansion,

A perfect family house

Where I can raise my children.

Despite my lack of a spouse.

But then you came and ruined it,

Just smashed it with your face

And then you said it’s my fault?

You’re a great disgrace!

It took me lots of time and silk

To spin my home, and sure

It’s exactly at eye-level for you

And right on your front door…

But still! You should apologize!

What’s that? You won’t? Well then

I guess I’ll have to get revenge

By crawling on you when you sleep again…

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Careful Where You Hang Your Hat

Some friends and I were mucking about

The attic when we found

And old top hat with a label that

Said “This makes men dance around.”

So we rolled some snowballs up

And made a face of carrot and coal

And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap

And pretended he had a soul.

Alas, for us, the sun was hot

And dancers tend to sweat

So when the day had gone away

That magic hat was wet,

So we hung it by the fire

Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…

So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.

‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!

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Midweek Passion

Baby, when I look at you

All sexy Thursday night

I think of how you’d look if you

Would move towards the right

And stand beside the TV screen

All cute. I want to cheer

‘Cause I can watch the game again.

Oh hey, grab me a beer!

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Christmas Music After They Take Jesus Out

You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,

Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,

But do you recall

The most famous Mickey of all?

Mickey the big-dick Reindeer

Had a very shiny body part

And if you go deep enough on Google

You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh, except the does.

They just avoided contact

To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say…

“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.

I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”

Then how the laughter halted

As they watched the rebels flee.

“We’re sorry for feeling threatened

By your girthy masculinity!”

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What New Devilry Is This?

Somewhere down in baby hell

Are Lucifer and Baphomet,

Asmodeus, Apollyon,

Satan, and Adramalech

All laughing at demonic stuff

But here’s the evil rub:

There’s a new kid in the devil school.

His name’s Beelzebub.

His family comes from South Missouri

And his dad’s name was Cletus

And he’d been groomed for devilhood

Since he was a fetus.

The devils might have picked on him

‘Til he was a broken husk

But then a savior came along:

A baby devil named by Elon Musk.

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