Tag Archives: Dumb

Why Jocks Get Seize

The public schools of Pittsburgh

Are bad beyond my wildest beliefs;

They teach kids words like “Steelers”

When the proper terms is “Thiefs.”

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How To Write A Superbowl Ad

You start out with a robot

That’s been made with CGI

Who says one beer is best

With no compelling reason why.

Next you strip the advertisement

Of anything resembling humor

So you don’t provoke the many

With an “I’m Offended” tumor.

Then say “We love social justice

“So you should buy our calamari”

With the sincerity of a five-year-old

When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”

The result’s an advertisement

To appeal to a mob

That hates all corporations

But still needs them for their job.

I hope next year’s Sportsball expo

Doesn’t try to be so “woke”

And the 2020 vegans

Are prepared to take a joke.

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“The Lousy Microwave” (Because I Spent All My Time On The Poem Instead Of The Title Today)

I have a lousy microwave.

It’s very very slow.

It take about two minutes

To melt a ball of snow.

If you want to boil water

A half an hour should do

And if you ever cook some soup

Go watch a film or two.

Your vegetables will not be steamed.

Your corn will not be popped.

The minute that you start it

It has already stopped.

It’s starting to annoy me

And get under my skin

And now I’ll either throw it out

Or try to plug it in.

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I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

I brought a dozen roses,

A diamond, and a kitten

To serenade by starlight

The lass with whom I’m smitten.

I sang “Every Breath You Take”

To my very special girl.

Then she locked me in her laser sights

And sang me “Goodbye Earl.”

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When You Think “That Would Rhyme Well,” Realize You Were Wrong, And Don’t Fix It

There once was a man named Jared Russ

Who was fond of munching canned asparagus.

He ate it all the time

But for lack of a rhyme

Often said things were Ceteris Parabus.

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Misleading Titles (Also Pure Fiction Except Lines 4, 7, and 8)

I sit here at the bus stop

Reading Fifty Shades of Grey

(Which I got at the library

‘Cause for that crap I won’t pay)

And as I skim from the intro

Until the final line

I see one quite clear shade

But where’s the other forty-nine?

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Waldo and the Disturbing Lack of Spiritual Guidance for Fictional Persons

Many kids found Waldo

When themselves were kids.

They found Waldo in a crowd

‘Cause that’s just what they did.

Some grown-ups still have Waldo

Waiting on their shelf,

But how many people thought

To help poor Waldo find himself?

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