Some people say a football player
Is really, really large.
What’s bigger than a football player
Is probably a barge.
What’s bigger than a barge
Is a thousand-trillion ants.
Nothing bigger than that
Exists outside my pants.
Tag Archives: Dumb
The Rest Is How To Playjurize Wikipedia Without Getting Cot
Ten persent of school
Is lurning how to get along.
Forty-two persent
Is lurning that you spelled stuph rong.
Maybe five persent
Is how to fill your plate and cup.
The other eighty-five persent
Is how to add things up.
Filed under Poems
How To Politely Decline An Invitation To Dinner
Some people like chicken,
Some people like pork,
Some people like tofu
Impaled on their fork.
Some people like rabbit,
Some people like goat,
But no one likes you
And that’s all she wrote.
Filed under Poems
2020 Voters (And Europe)
I went to college and got a degree
And hoped it would get me a job.
I learned how to drink, put off work and have threesomes,
And be both a loser and snob.
I can write ten page papers with ten words of content
And get booze with no valid ID.
Now I’m an unemployed expert in horticultural psychology
And I think you deserve this for free.
Filed under Poems
Why Jocks Get Seize
The public schools of Pittsburgh
Are bad beyond my wildest beliefs;
They teach kids words like “Steelers”
When the proper terms is “Thiefs.”
Filed under Poems
How To Write A Superbowl Ad
You start out with a robot
That’s been made with CGI
Who says one beer is best
With no compelling reason why.
Next you strip the advertisement
Of anything resembling humor
So you don’t provoke the many
With an “I’m Offended” tumor.
Then say “We love social justice
“So you should buy our calamari”
With the sincerity of a five-year-old
When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”
The result’s an advertisement
To appeal to a mob
That hates all corporations
But still needs them for their job.
I hope next year’s Sportsball expo
Doesn’t try to be so “woke”
And the 2020 vegans
Are prepared to take a joke.
Filed under Poems
“The Lousy Microwave” (Because I Spent All My Time On The Poem Instead Of The Title Today)
I have a lousy microwave.
It’s very very slow.
It take about two minutes
To melt a ball of snow.
If you want to boil water
A half an hour should do
And if you ever cook some soup
Go watch a film or two.
Your vegetables will not be steamed.
Your corn will not be popped.
The minute that you start it
It has already stopped.
It’s starting to annoy me
And get under my skin
And now I’ll either throw it out
Or try to plug it in.
Filed under Poems
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
I brought a dozen roses,
A diamond, and a kitten
To serenade by starlight
The lass with whom I’m smitten.
I sang “Every Breath You Take”
To my very special girl.
Then she locked me in her laser sights
And sang me “Goodbye Earl.”
Filed under Poems
When You Think “That Would Rhyme Well,” Realize You Were Wrong, And Don’t Fix It
There once was a man named Jared Russ
Who was fond of munching canned asparagus.
He ate it all the time
But for lack of a rhyme
Often said things were Ceteris Parabus.
Filed under Poems
Misleading Titles (Also Pure Fiction Except Lines 4, 7, and 8)
I sit here at the bus stop
Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
(Which I got at the library
‘Cause for that crap I won’t pay)
And as I skim from the intro
Until the final line
I see one quite clear shade
But where’s the other forty-nine?
Filed under Poems
