There once was a van-living hoarder
Who crossed the Canadian border.
He lost his way,
So he asked a cop “eh?”
The cop figured all was in order.
And so the directionless dude
Asked locals who were eating food.
They said “bla bla bluh.”
The van-guy asked “huh,”
And found himself viciously booed.
And so the van-guy found his way
Back to Where-He-Was-From, USA.
There’s a moral somewhere,
But you probably don’t care,
And it’s probably better that way.
Filed under Poems
A unicorn has one horn.
A bicorn has two.
A polycorn has many horns
That can stick into you.
So a unicorn with no horn
Is an acorn, I suppose.
If you didn’t believe in magic,
Well, I guess now you knows.
It’s been awhile
Since a poem of mine
Has been forgotten
‘Til 7:09.
What can I say?
It’s been one of those days
How sorry am I?
Let me count the ways.
I guess that I’m sorry
This poem’s half-baked.
OK, I’m done.
My sarcasm is slaked.
Thanks all for reading,
Especially y’all in New York.
I’m going to sleep now.
Yours truly, a dork.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
I crack the fortune cookie
And read read the wisdom within.
“Today, be careful of breaking things.”
Cookie talent must be wearing thin.
Hi there partner!
I’m Sheriff Steve.
I like riding on my pony
To deter those who thieve.
I only carry a gun
For shooting bottles at the quarry,
But if that makes you nervous
Then I assure you, do not worry.
Because Sheriff Steve has other ways
Of detaining unlawful sorts:
A friendly smile, a stern “now, now,”
And some more witty retorts.
There’s little crime in this town of mine
So I’m doing a good job.
These were the last words of Sheriff Steve
As he greeted Outlaw Bob.
Filed under Poems
I raised my chimney nine inches
When I remodeled my home.
It makes the opening hard to reach
For a reindeer, elf, or gnome,
So I installed a dumbwaiter
To help the givers out.
It makes it hard to build a fire,
But I feel like it gives me clout.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 