Within the next 26.07 fortnights
My predominant aspiration
Is to perpetuate the convention
Of heightened lexicon inflation.
Be not perturbed if reading this
Is an arduous endeavor:
Aspirations are ephemeral whilst
Prose-prevarication is forever.
Next year my goal
Is to learn new words
But I’m also lazy
And learning’s for the birds.
Me like words with lotsa letter
But me like to sleep-in better.
Chapped lips, dry skin,
Hair without a bobby pin,
Baggy pants, hairy pits,
A shirt that hides any sign of tits,
Spotty face, mustache line,
Eau de toilette called “big ass pine,”
A house that others call a sty:
Just another great day of being a guy!
So many people live like eggs
It’s almost not okay.
Their only goal is, like an egg,
To get laid every day.
I wish I had a pirate ship
To show off to my neighbors,
To terrorize the waterways
And make legends of my labors.
I’d earn the love of ladies fair
And earn the lawmen’s hate.
Yes, I’d be the best damn pirate
In Arizona state.
I’ve exercised every day so far!
I’ve been a better lay so far!
I’ve eaten healthy food so far!
I haven’t even been rude so far!
I’ve been cheerful, smart, and nice so far,
And only been driven to kill some jerk who’s not as fit, healthy, sexy, and friendly as me twice…
I’m looking forward
Less so to the time
That comes in between,
For when the New Year
Comes rolling in
You feel able
To do anythin’.
But in 2015,
As it is right now
I’m cranking out poems
And tending electric cows.
And so in two months
I’ll be out of this funk.
For now I’ve got ice cream.
Hope you enjoyed this junk.
Somewhere in my memory
Lies July the seventeenth.
(That’s yesterday, in case you didn’t know’st).
That was the day my mind
Was way off on it’s own.
It was the day that I forgot to post.
So in memorium
Of this flawless two-year goal,
This poet must apologize to you.
But if my memory serves,
Then the poem you may have seen
Would’ve been a pretty bad half-assed haiku.