Tag Archives: Canada

Canadian Muslim Problems

In December I sat on a frozen lake

And fished for rainbow trout.

The next two months I did the same

‘Cause that’s what I’m about.

This Summer I’m vacationing

Somewhere in the Maldives.

I know there’s no ice-fishing there

But I can avoid my 28 wives.

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Flirting In Canada

I was a man

And she was not.

She hadn’t noticed me

But I thought she was hot.

I approached her politely

And told her “I’m Dan.”

She was, in hindsight, not pleased

So I got two years in the can.

I remember when men

Were not seen as a foe,

But not anymore

Thanks to Justin Trudeau.

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But Not Soccer… I’m Not That Desperate

I kinda hope the NFL

Display the stubborness of men

And they keep sitting for the anthem

Because I figure then

People will start watching hockey

And I can talk about sports again.

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True Story Guest Post: The Epic of Hwy 99

Such a travesty is BC Hwy 99I think the guys who built it were blind

Or perhaps were very drunk

This road doesn’t make sense to a duck. 
The road was built for Mario Cart

Level one is 340 degree turns

Level two is curves that lead to un-marked one-lane bridges

Level three add turning trucks

And if that isn’t more than enough 

Level four the deer are suicidal. 

Level five we take away the road signs

Level six adds falling rocks

Level seven adds the rain

Level eight is and 15% grade

Level nine is 10 km/hr on that grade
I don’t want to reach level ten —

Not even the Buddha has that level zen. 
JOFFRE LAKES!

Now it all makes sense!
And at the village intersection 

As the clock strikes midnight, 

We pass the bloody Grim. 

And across a bridge we go 

To be warned of washout conditions. 
I have 99 problems 

And this road is all of them. 

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If I Order A Bacon Cheeseburger In Canada What Will I Get?

Is bacon in Canada

Canadian bacon?

Is a pig in Guinea

A guinea pig?

Is this issue important

Like I seem to be makin’

Or is it an issue

Not nearly so big?

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The True Stories Are The Best, And The Best Deserve Many Likes And Comments

A spin across the border

Up to Canada I go

But as the guards interrogate

My engine starts to slow.

A bit of coaxing later

There’s a spitter-sputter-spop!

And off I go, yet unaware

I won’t make it to my stop.

I travel down the highways

91 and 99

Going Northward to Vancouver

And my truck’s still going fine.

I pull into a left turn lane

And my heart can only drop

‘Cause the green arrow says “go”

And my engine says “nah, stop.”

And so I try a jump start

To no avail, I hate to say.

911 responds and sends

A friendly tow truck on its way.

The nicest driver ever

Hooks up chains and ropes and all

And we drive back to America

Truck as f***ed up as Darth Maul.

Now a tow truck is a large machine

That can’t turn on a dime

And the driver drops me kindly

At the border crossing line.

I wait and wait and wait and wait

Until the light turns green

And thus begins the uphill push

Of my alternator-less machine.

I push up to the crossing

Halfway out and halfway in

$270 Canadian poorer

But back where I said “begin.”

So for a second tow I wait

Watching hour hands tick by.

If this poem’s unusually thoughtful, well

You know the reason why.

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Game Night In Canada

If you’re tired of playing cards

And you’ve trashed your chess set

Try something new for game night:

Canadian roulette.

To play, you take a loaded gun,

Then unload it, lock it up

And give to the police

Because they know what’s up.

Then you go play hockey

On a snowy northern pool.

That’s how a boring game night

Becomes Canadian Cool ™.

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