Tag Archives: Fat

Everything’s Bigger In Texas

I like me some ice cream and beer

And sometimes go hunting for deer.

I don’t eat no plants though

Which means that my pants know

The pure incarnation of fear.

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She’ll Start Exercising In January

The lady on the internet

Wrote “5551618.”

I thought that was her phone number

But, alas, ’twas just her weight.

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There are two sides

To every tale.

One person might think

They saw a whale,

While others agree

The first guy lied

And it was just

Someone’s backside.

What’s fire to one

Is ice to the next,

Some like to call

And others text,

But one answer

Will never fail:

If your wife asks “how’s this dress”

Do not say “hey look, a whale!”

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An American Funeral

Here lies Harry,
Who was hard to carry
To this six-foot deep apartment,
For he was a foodie
With a sizable bootie
And a never-full food compartment.

And that is why at his side
During the funeral I abide,
To provide my final gift,
For from Harry’s acquaintances
I’m the guy who works maintenances,
So I was chosen to drive the forklift.

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Whale… Shucks

“Greetings fellow porpoises,”
The humpback sang at sea.
“Our pod has a new member,”
And he gestured right at me.

That sparked the two epiphanies
That in my mind had lurked:
The fact that I spoke whale,
And that my diet hadn’t worked.

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