Her eyes were blue as Crater Lake,
Her breasts were like Mount Hood.
Her hair fell like Multnomah Falls
And all these things were good.
I held her hand and felt as big
And strong as Haystack Rock
Until my wife came home that night
And smacked me with her cock.
Ask any man “Would you marry?”
And the man will most-likely say “Sure.”
He’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
To announce his commitment to her.
Ask any girl “Would you marry?”
And she’ll smile and say “Yes” with glee.
“And he’d wear a gold ring for the rest of his days
“To announce his commitment to me!”
As the lovers grew older
Much to the wife’s delight
Her husband looked much like Sean Connery.
The husband didn’t say it
(For he didn’t want a fight)
But he couldn’t help but think it: So did she.
Give a man a fish,
You’ll feed him for a day
Unless that man’s a vegan
In which case his death’s okay.
But teach a man to fish
(Be him Vegan or otherwise)
And if he gets married he’ll be grateful
And he’ll think you very wise.
Cream’s wife asked him
To go to the store.
Cream’s wife’s husband obeyed
Without asking what for.
Cream’s wife’s husband’s friend
Saw how the scales tipped
And he said to cream
“My God man, you’re whipped!”
I ain’t no spring chicken
But neither am I old.
I’m a 40-year-old husband
Who writes exactly what I’m told.
A first drink or a first date
Can be first love or likewise hate.
A first kiss or first fight
Are blackness deep and endless light.
A first dance as man and wife
Will give you joy for all your life
Unless man/man or woman/woman you’re.
Then you’ll complain about this poem for sure.
There are two sides
To every tale.
One person might think
They saw a whale,
While others agree
The first guy lied
And it was just
What’s fire to one
Is ice to the next,
Some like to call
And others text,
But one answer
Will never fail:
If your wife asks “how’s this dress”
Do not say “hey look, a whale!”
When I drink my morning coffee
I think about my wife,
And how the two of them together
Give me such a perfect life.
And when I drink my evening coffee
And I lie awake at night
I know neither one has chest hair,
And that makes me feel all right.
What is a wedding
But an exchanging of rings
Between two willing people
Who are scared of different things?