Tag Archives: Online Dating

Sophie’s Choice

Sophie was an average girl

With fairly average likes;

Fond of wine and dogs and soap

And mental health and hikes.

One day she was kidnapped

By a disembodied voice

Who told her she would surely die

Unless she made the choice:

Would she rather kiss someone

Who smelled liked a catcher’s mitt

That had been soaked in sour milk

And armadillo spit

While treading water in a pool

Of acid, hot as Hades

And listening to Kenny G

Play highlights of the eighties

While the Devil lit a match

And burned off all her hair…

Or, when asked where she’d like to eat

To not say “I don’t care.”

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Sparks Will Fly!

I don’t know that it’s a good idea

To have an online dating site

For wrestlers and martial artists

Who like to both travel and fight.

The clientele might be a limited bunch

But the site’s name would have such aplomb:

I for one would sign up at once

For StrikeAnywhereMatch.com

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It’s Almost Like People Are Frustrated And Indifferent For Some Reason…

Anyone remember

When a conversation meant

You tell your partner what you like

And everywhere you went,

Your hopes and dreams and fantasies

And they reply with “K”?

You don’t, which makes me wonder

How we got to this today.

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One More Try (Guess Who Went To A Bluegrass Show Tonight?)

I was raised out in the country

A couple miles past “out in the sticks”

And I’ve got that country talent

For meetin’ just the most unfaithful chicks;

The Jezebels and the Delilahs,

The ones who’ll love you ‘til the dawn

But when I’m done cookin’ ‘em breakfast

It’s an empty bed, and oh! My wallet’s gone!

Woe is me! Woe is I! Woah, I think I caught her eye…

What’s the harm in making one more try?

Well I’ve tried bein’ a nice guy,

Bein’ bad, and bein’ cool,

But the role I’m best at playin’

Has gotta be the damned romantic fool.

Well I keep a few reminders

Of them in my rogue’s gallery.

If I’d a dollar for each trinket

I could pay a politician’s salary.

Woe is me! Woe is I! Woke up, so I didn’t die.

What’s the harm in making one more try?

Well they’ve got these handy programs

Where women on the worldwide web‘ll

Write about how they love laughter,

Tasty food, travel, hiking, and a rebel.

Seems a shame they’d waste their effort

Fielding mail from some desperate guy

When here I am, arms and heart open

And when it ends she’ll never cry.

Woe is me! Woe is I! Woman please just hit “reply.”

What’s the harm in making one more try?

Sure, when all is done and finished

Her ego’s big and mine’s diminished,

But I keep making one more try…

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Filed under Lyrics, Poems

A Promising Start

Marjorie Jean was a mysterious queen

Who brought me to a miniature land

Where pain and fear did disappear

But not a bit was bland.

She took me out on a walkabout

For a sandwich of significant size

Then we’d settle in as the games begin

Until the evening had sealed our eyes.

But the morning sun said “you’re not done”

And two cats were fondled and fed

Before M and I walked with Mr. Blue Sky

To the land where the sharks go to bed.

A party of two then suddenly grew

And so did the Marjories double.

This new, larger band celebrated as planned

With all of the expected trouble.

And so fed, I turned with my face and neck burned,

And sped off in a car doused in Axe.

One day I’ll be seen back with Marjorie Jean,

And until that day two hearts relax.

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When Was The Last Time A Guy With Abs Smiled? I Rest My Case

A boring, shirtless-selfie guy

With pictures of his travels

Briefly loves bikini-babe…

A love that soon unravels.

Alas, the love so brief in time

Creates a permanent child.

This all could have been avoided

If Mr. shirtless-selfie smiled.

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For Those Who Love To Laugh, Hiking, Traveling, And Food

We could’ve been a miracle

Like a bottle of lightning,

With ardor and passion

That bordered on frightening,

Two bits of a puzzle

That fate formed as one

Destined for fortune

And family and fun.

We could’ve been lovers

And best friends for life,

The textbook example

Of husband and wife.

You could’ve been my world,

My earth, sea, and sky,

If only your first message

Were more than just, “hi.”

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That One Supermodel Who’s Still Single For Some Reason

Some things are unspeakable,

Depraved beyond compare.

The fact that they exist

Causes many much despair.

Such things are irredeemable

And inspire only hate

And it’s important I discuss them

On every single date.

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What A Catch!

She doesn’t play mind games.

She doesn’t hate pets.

These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.

She isn’t ugly.

She isn’t mean.

She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.

She has other friends.

She gets off the couch.

Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.

She’s not into drama.

She’s not a KGB spy.

My only concern is that “she” is a guy.

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She’ll Start Exercising In January

The lady on the internet

Wrote “5551618.”

I thought that was her phone number

But, alas, ’twas just her weight.

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