Tag Archives: Online Dating

A Promising Start

Marjorie Jean was a mysterious queen

Who brought me to a miniature land

Where pain and fear did disappear

But not a bit was bland.

She took me out on a walkabout

For a sandwich of significant size

Then we’d settle in as the games begin

Until the evening had sealed our eyes.

But the morning sun said “you’re not done”

And two cats were fondled and fed

Before M and I walked with Mr. Blue Sky

To the land where the sharks go to bed.

A party of two then suddenly grew

And so did the Marjories double.

This new, larger band celebrated as planned

With all of the expected trouble.

And so fed, I turned with my face and neck burned,

And sped off in a car doused in Axe.

One day I’ll be seen back with Marjorie Jean,

And until that day two hearts relax.

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When Was The Last Time A Guy With Abs Smiled? I Rest My Case

A boring, shirtless-selfie guy

With pictures of his travels

Briefly loves bikini-babe…

A love that soon unravels.

Alas, the love so brief in time

Creates a permanent child.

This all could have been avoided

If Mr. shirtless-selfie smiled.

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For Those Who Love To Laugh, Hiking, Traveling, And Food

We could’ve been a miracle

Like a bottle of lightning,

With ardor and passion

That bordered on frightening,

Two bits of a puzzle

That fate formed as one

Destined for fortune

And family and fun.

We could’ve been lovers

And best friends for life,

The textbook example

Of husband and wife.

You could’ve been my world,

My earth, sea, and sky,

If only your first message

Were more than just, “hi.”

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That One Supermodel Who’s Still Single For Some Reason

Some things are unspeakable,

Depraved beyond compare.

The fact that they exist

Causes many much despair.

Such things are irredeemable

And inspire only hate

And it’s important I discuss them

On every single date.

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What A Catch!

She doesn’t play mind games.

She doesn’t hate pets.

These days that’s quite close to as good as it gets.

She isn’t ugly.

She isn’t mean.

She’s the not-baddest person that I’ve ever seen.

She has other friends.

She gets off the couch.

Her spirit animal is not Oscar the Grouch.

She’s not into drama.

She’s not a KGB spy.

My only concern is that “she” is a guy.

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She’ll Start Exercising In January

The lady on the internet

Wrote “5551618.”

I thought that was her phone number

But, alas, ’twas just her weight.

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There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.

I met an Indian guy on Tinder,

A philosopher named Deepinder.

I couldn’t understand most of what he said

So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”

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Thanks, Arbitrary Statistics!

A minute with me

Is an hour in Heaven,

But no woman will know

‘Cause I’m five-foot-eleven.

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Plenty of Fish

He stood on the granite cliff

Screaming hoarsely

Over the roaring black ocean.

From one of the shores beyond

An echo returned to him:

“Citygal17498 has blocked you.”

But mostly there was silence.

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Maybe It Tasted Good A Few Years Ago?

I want a sandwich

With clams, beets, and garlic

Sprinkled with liver and thyme

Topped with two scoops

Of pistachio ice cream

And the zest of a two-week-old lime

All smeared on a loaf

Of gluten-free flatbread

Served on a hard rubber plate.

You get it when you order

A nice BLT.

I call it “The Internet Date.”

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