What makes the tears of spiders?
What hides under monsters’ beds?
What makes slime and death and taxes
Put a pillow over their heads?
What makes a cold front shiver?
What makes Hell’s denizens sweat?
I wondered about the answer
Until I met my girlfriend’s pet.
Filed under Poems
My mind is hot and swirling
Like my brain is in the dryer.
I try and try to calm myself,
But blood pressure gets higher.
I’m schooled in meditation,
But can’t think of what they teach,
Because tonight I have to give
A seven minute speech.
I’ve written out my note cards
(On paper and in the cloud).
I’ve proofread it a hundred times
And read it all out loud.
Yet my heart beats, my palms sweat,
And the world feels surreal
Because, for my seven minute speech,
I’ve four minutes if mater’al.
And so I am rewriting,
Adding anecdotes and facts,
Undoing all my “control-Z’s”
And redacting my “redacts.”
And as my fevered fingers run
Like the witch chases Gretel and Hansel
I’m giving a seven-minute prayer
That they have to call and cancel.
Filed under Poems
Today our team faces the Knights
In a thrilling afternoon match.
The Knights are undefeated
And have never missed a catch.
The sky is blue, the grass is green,
The clouds are fluffy white.
The weather report says “chance of rain”
And I’m praying that it’s right.
Filed under Poems
If I had a tuxedo
Made of golden water
Whose glamor under starlight
Has not been equaled yet
You would find it in my closet
Hidden in the darkness,
For when I don tuxedoes
I do not want to get wet.
So bedecked in wool and cotton
I dream of yonder maid unknown,
Her gown a golden fountain.
On her my heart is set.
And I think of my tuxedo
Growing stagnant on its hook
Because its owner fears the chance
Of some unearned regret.
I hope my fountain is patient
For the tuxedo she hasn’t met.
Filed under Poems
I looked into the maw,
The symbol of demise.
I gazed into the maw
Though its breathing burned my eyes.
I stared into the maw,
Fearsome, darkened, and devoid.
Then I smiled at the maw
And offered it an altoid.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 