Instead of drafting young people
Without an education
And sending them to fight for us
In a far-off destination
Why don’t we draft the people who
Have four words or more in their job
Because they’re clearly competent
And if they die nobody will sob?
Tag Archives: Military
If We Change “Private” To “Assistant Director Of Infantry Fieldwork And Individual Contributor To Combat Superiority” Maybe More People Would Enlist?
Filed under Poems
Private Thoughts
If I were in the army
Instead of throwing grenades
I’d throw bottled beverages
Like juice and lemonades
And while our foes are hydrating
And their smiles reach their eyes
That’s when I’d throw my grenade.
#ElementOfSurprise
Filed under Poems
GI Average Joe: Halfass Commando
My squad was pinned down
By ten-thousand Iraqis.
We stood not a chance
Against all Allah’s lackeys.
Somehow we survived
And came home from the war,
I with one right leg less
And one purple heart more.
When the big day arrived
To get my medal from Trump
The pres stuck it on,
Said “congrats on the stump!”
Now I live a life
Where I needn’t pack heat,
Where I save cash on tickets
When I buy half a seat.
People notice my injury
Although I don’t tout it.
I keep on with my life
And there’s no butts about it!
In a few years I’ll die
And they’ll speak at my wake.
“He was not and had not
“An asshole,” they’ll spake.
And then I’ll be in heaven
Or maybe in Hell.
Either way, no VA
So I think I’ll be well.
Filed under Poems
Red Badge Of Courage
A handsome soldier,
His mighty steed,
Heroic in both
Word and deed
Ride into glorious
Victory.
A medal awarded
There was to be.
Amongst his peers’
Great aplomb
The soldier came to
Have the medal pinned on.
Alas the officer
In command
Did not possess
A steady hand.
And so the pin
Met the soldier’s lapel
But, alas, pierced soldier’s
Flesh as well.
So for the bloodshed
In which he took part
The soldier was also given
The Purple Heart.
The soldier survived
This test of mettle,
Awarded a medal
For earning a medal.
Filed under Poems
Excuses: Plane and Simple
Hello officer.
Beautiful day!
Wouldn’t you like
To put the pad away?
I know I was speeding,
But I can explain.
See, this car I’m driving
Began as a plane.
I was flying a mission
Over Afghanistan.
I was low on gas, thinking
“I gotta land dis, man.”
So I steered for my base
And managed to crash land
A few miles from here
On some beautiful grashland.
I didn’t want to get spotted
By the enemy, so
I disguised my busted plane
As this beat-up GTO.
But the engine runs fine
At three hundred per hour,
And for a car this size
That’s just too much power.
So please, officer
Cut this soldier some slack.
I’m far from my base
Just trying to get back.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 