Tag Archives: Military

Private Thoughts

If I were in the army

Instead of throwing grenades

I’d throw bottled beverages

Like juice and lemonades

And while our foes are hydrating

And their smiles reach their eyes

That’s when I’d throw my grenade.

#ElementOfSurprise

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GI Average Joe: Halfass Commando

My squad was pinned down

By ten-thousand Iraqis.

We stood not a chance

Against all Allah’s lackeys.

Somehow we survived

And came home from the war,

I with one right leg less

And one purple heart more.

When the big day arrived

To get my medal from Trump

The pres stuck it on,

Said “congrats on the stump!”

Now I live a life

Where I needn’t pack heat,

Where I save cash on tickets

When I buy half a seat.

People notice my injury

Although I don’t tout it.

I keep on with my life

And there’s no butts about it!

In a few years I’ll die

And they’ll speak at my wake.

“He was not and had not

“An asshole,” they’ll spake.

And then I’ll be in heaven

Or maybe in Hell.

Either way, no VA

So I think I’ll be well.

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Red Badge Of Courage

A handsome soldier,

His mighty steed,

Heroic in both

Word and deed

Ride into glorious

Victory.

A medal awarded

There was to be.

Amongst his peers’

Great aplomb

The soldier came to

Have the medal pinned on.

Alas the officer

In command

Did not possess

A steady hand.

And so the pin

Met the soldier’s lapel

But, alas, pierced soldier’s

Flesh as well.

So for the bloodshed

In which he took part

The soldier was also given

The Purple Heart.

The soldier survived

This test of mettle,

Awarded a medal

For earning a medal.

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Excuses: Plane and Simple

Hello officer.
Beautiful day!
Wouldn’t you like
To put the pad away?

I know I was speeding,
But I can explain.
See, this car I’m driving
Began as a plane.

I was flying a mission
Over Afghanistan.
I was low on gas, thinking
“I gotta land dis, man.”

So I steered for my base
And managed to crash land
A few miles from here
On some beautiful grashland.

I didn’t want to get spotted
By the enemy, so
I disguised my busted plane
As this beat-up GTO.

But the engine runs fine
At three hundred per hour,
And for a car this size
That’s just too much power.

So please, officer
Cut this soldier some slack.
I’m far from my base
Just trying to get back.

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