One of the items
On my list of wants
Is the power to speak
In different fonts.
The power of Impact,
Or Arial’s even measure…
The freedom to choose
Would be such a treasure!
But alas in this world
Of fontless death and birth
We’re trapped in a state
Of Helvetica on Earth.
Filed under Poems
There’s a reason there aren’t dentists
On that South Dakota mountain
‘Cause then they’d have to call it “Mount Brushmore.”
For taste there’s no accountin’.
Filed under Poems
Power corrupts
So flower power
Can cause, for some,
Hydrangea dange’a.
Filed under Poems
Purple rain
Is such a pain.
Purple haze
Will not amaze.
For purple weather
That’s really neat
You need to try out
Purple sleet!
Like solid water
Or saggy snow
Purple Sleet’s
The way to go.
You doubt me? Ask
A friendly pilot:
There’s no sleet like
Sleet that is violet.
When hail’s too hard
And rain’s too gray
Don’t bid the clouds
To go away.
Instead you’ll wish
(Unless you’re dumb)
For slush to fall
That’s colored plum.
Purple Sleet
Will enlarge your meat.
It’s organic and part
Of a breakfast complete.
So when you’re blue
And just can’t cope
And some red to your slush:
Your sleet’s heliotrope!
Filed under Poems
Whenever I’m awake at night
Not able to go to sleep
I’ll sneak outside so quietly
Without making a peep
And head off to the landfill
Where old car parts fill a ditch
And I snuggle up with a Michelin,
Bridgestone, or BFGoodrich.
You may just think I’m sleezy,
Like my brain somehow misfired,
But it’s the only way I know
To get really good and tired.
Filed under Poems
Korea is a country
I do not know much about.
Japan is a country
Whose cartoon characters look caucasian.
Thailand is a country
That knows what cooking’s all about.
Good China is a country
We only use on special occasions.
Filed under Poems
I have a feather duster
For if my birds get dusty.
I’ve got a picture frame
Just in case I commit a crime.
I’ve got a pizza face
For if I’m feeling crusty.
What I don’t have is a clue
Of how to end this poem in a satisfying way.
I’ve got a hobby that’s really cool
That makes me feel like a man.
I like staring at my roof;
I am a ceiling fan.
Filed under Poems
Don’t send her a breakup text
Next time your love’s in doubt.
Instead you take her to the gym
To show her how you’re not working out.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 