So many Depends
On a red wheelbarrow,
Speckled with what we hope is rainwater
Beside the white chickens.
Category Archives: Poems
The Phases Of Enlightenment
When you are but a babe
Bursting forth from mother’s loins
You know nothing about the world,
Nor, in fact, about Des Moines.
But as you grow, you learn
That, for instance, Dad’s a plumber.
You grow forever wiser
While at the same time, dumber.
You learn at one, for instance
That your body must stay clean
And when you’re put in the sink
They’re not doing it to be mean.
At the age of six or seven
You move on from baths to showers,
But you take them very quickly,
Unlike teens, who go for hours.
And sometime around age 20
You maybe fall in love,
And find new uses for the shower
As well as for that rubber glove.
And maybe when you’re 40
Amidst your midlife lull
You realize the shower
Is a gender-neutral urinal.
And by the time you’re eighty
And, in the shower, you have to sit
You wonder if that urinal thing
Also goes for…
And there you are in a nursing home.
Your mind has gone for good.
Thus endeth your enlightenment,
Or so we knock on wood.
An Accidental Playmate
I’m in love with a rabbit
Whom I have named Hop.
She’s got soft auburn hair
And legs that won’t stop.
…
I’ve just been informed
That she is a “bunny.”
I guess that explains
Why she asked me for money.
Filed under Poems
The Missing Element
I enjoy the first course,
And the second course too.
They were a fine salad
And also fine stew.
But by the third course
I thought “what a waste”
To have a meal in which
I could find no distaste.
So I pulled out my hair
To put in my entree,
And complained about it
When the waiter came my way.
All in all, Chez Fancié
Stood up to its clout.
I hope next time they serve
Something to bitch about.
Ah, To Have A Memory
“You shouldn’t use your phone at night”
Is what, to me, they tell.
But this evening I must say
It turned out pretty well.
Filed under Poems
The Second Time You Hear A Joke
He said “Knock Knock.”
I said “Who’s there.”
He said “you.”
It was true,
But I still didn’t care.
Filed under Poems
Facebook Updates
I sat six hours in a car
To go and visit somewhere far.
It didn’t rain. It didn’t snow.
I just thought you ought to know.
(Not actually my dinner).
Filed under Poems
How To Jump A Car
This poem is a preview from my upcoming book of 99 “How-To” Poems. Enjoy!
Your car won’t start?
Well, lucky you!
I envy what
You’ll get to do.
You’ll need another car
And a valiant heart.
Got both? Good!
It’s time to start.
First, get in the car
With the working battery.
Turn it on (You do that
By inserting and turning the key).
Have a friend prepare two ramps,
One on either side
Of your old dead-battery car.
Make sure they’re nice and wide.
Then drive full speed onto the ramp
And let that new car fly!
Look down, if you want, onto your old car
And pray that you don’t die.
And when you land successfully
On the other ramp, well look:
You’ve just learned to jump a car.
Aren’t you glad you bought this book?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 