Tag Archives: Jokes

Poems So Dark They Probably Stole Your Bike

If a child can decide to be

A gender they weren’t born,

Can know their sexual preferences

Then, honestly, I’m torn…

I think that future pedophiles

In elementary school

Might worry about fitting in

(And I don’t mean being cool).

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I once dated a Japanese girl.

When we broke up I tried to be nice.

She didn’t understand the first time

So I had to drop the bomb twice.

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I asked a guy in a wheelchair

“Who’s your favorite actor.”

The guy replied “Christopher Reeve.”

He asked me “Who’s yours?”

I said “Christopher Walken,”

And then the guy asked me to leave.

——————————————————–

One more joke for this morning,

And this one’s as good as it gets:

Who are Iraq’s athletic heroes?

That would be the ’01 New York Jets.

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Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor

A religious type of joke

Is often what offends

An amazing group of people’s

Imaginary friends.

I will mock all religions

In this poem I now write

Except, or course, for Islam

‘Cause I’m flammable and white.

I saw a gay pride event

As I was walking to my car.

They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church

So the priests needn’t walk too far.

I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke

And so I took a stab. I

Think they might have laughed had I

Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.

I met a “spiritual but not religious”

Person just the other day.

I asked them “is my latte ready?”

They said “yes, now go away.”

I’m not sure about Agnostics.

If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.

The Buddhists suffer eternally

Whether or not they read this poem.

I want to end with one last joke

To make you giggle or scoff:

Don’t get circumcised on a budget

‘Cause it might be a rip off. 

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Seems An Odd Thing To Screw In

You ask about plumbers,

Bankers, musicians,

Comedians, Atheists,

Boxers, physicians.

You ask how many

Of each it would take

To screw in a lightbulb

For goodness sake!

You look for an answer

And I have one for you;

For each subgroup listed

You only need two.

How many it takes

Isn’t the question to say.

You ask how do you fit two people

In a lightbulb anyway?

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Medical Motivation

I’m a proctologist,

Healer of butts.

That much I swear is the truth.

Folks always ask

Why I’ve chosen such work

That so clearly is gross and uncouth.

Some say it’s because

I want to be rich.

Some think I must be gay.

Some say I’ve got

A stick up my butt

And I want you to feel the same way.

Some say I had talent

In medical school

And I’d probably have aced all my classes

If I hadn’t been so

Dedicated and focused

On the likes of my peers and their asses.

Some say I love butts

A little too much

But hadn’t the talent for porn.

The truth is I want

To study in depth

How politicians are born.

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I Don’t Know Who, But I Bet You’re Going To Tell Me

If your child is a knock-knocker

And you are a who’s-there-er

Then you probably know by now

You’ve made a huge parenting error.

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The Second Time You Hear A Joke

He said “Knock Knock.”

I said “Who’s there.”

He said “you.” 

It was true,

But I still didn’t care.

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Uncomfortable Jokes

We make jokes about things
That make us uncomfortable
Like excrement, sex, farts, and lawyers.

I’m inclined to question
Why there aren’t more jokes
About child birth, plastic chairs, and employers.

Perhaps it’s because
We can’t get the jokes out,
Or they’re just a pain in the ass

Or maybe it’s that,
Though your skills are impressive,
This time they’re going to pass.

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