Lady in Blue

I remember back in high school

When I met a girl at work.

She was dressed in blue and shined like the sun

And never dated jerks.

 

One might say I bought her love

With accessories and trinkets,

But I fashioned up a love contract

And my name, well, I did ink it.

 

Now every time I drive to work

She’s with me all the time.

In the darkness she’s a flash of light.

In my poems, she’s my ryhme.

 

And sometimes we run of of gas,

If you know what I mean.

She waits for me while I fill a can

And polishes her sheen.

 

So if you disagree with the idea

Of marrying an object, tough luck.

Because I will always be faithful

To my lady in blue, my truck.

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A Day Without Travesties?

Occasionally

Days go by without bad stuff.

Thus my writer’s block.

 

Yes indeed, my mind

Is quite blank.  Thus, bad poems.

Even these haikus.

 

I will stop writing

Down these haikus (for today).

Thank you for your time.

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Independence Day by the Numbers

33 score and several years ago

1 little nation waved goodbye

2 England, on this day, the

4th day of July.

 

2day is Independence day!

1 should show one’s pride

4 the patriots who serve our land

2 fight to save our hide.

 

1 should also consider

2day we should show independence.

2day, try being honest to you

4 you are a person of resplendence! (Whatever that means)

 

1 man’s deeds can change the world.

1,000,000s of men are sure to.

2 our fighting men and patriots,

1 bad poet here salutes you!

 

Happy Independence Day!

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Lies

“Oh hello there honey,

I was just out with the boys.

I won’t do it again without telling you.”

(We did more than just make noise).

 

“People of my Country,

I will give you what you want.

For I, like you, am a humble man, all right.”

(Peasants, give me what I want).

 

“I was stuck in traffic.”

“No, your butt does not look fat.”

“Darling, why would someone ever lie to you?”

(They should like the sound of that).

 

We think lies will free us,

Like a “get out of jail free.”

And surely we’ll remember them all because

We lie so damn cleverly.

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Can y0u raed tihs

Seicnsits cliam taht p0elpe can raed

Aynh7nig p0vrided one cdino17on:

Taht the frsit and lsat lteters reiamn the smae.

So I hpoe you can raed tihs rndeitoin.

 

So if you can raed tihs, pealse gvie it a lkie.

But if you do not, I get it.

Smoetmeis I dn’ot rymhe my pemos,

But hlaf of you c’nat tlel aynawy.

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Not So Affluent…

For those of you who did read the poem

That I posted on this blog yesterday,

This sonnet should not cause surprise to them,

For my identity’s taken away.

Now bank accounts and credit cards belong

To Prince Harjinder from Nigeria.

To Lifelock I am singing this sad song.

It was a scam.  I’d no ideria.

Now my mortgage is foreclosed. Makes me sore

That people would do such a nasty thing.

But a Canadian pharmacist yore

Assures me I can get lots of free “bling.”

Disclaimer: I am not really this dumb,

But it makes for funny poems, ho hum!

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Mail Order Affluence

So long suckas!

I got a lucky break!

A crown Prince from Nigeria

Has had trouble with the banks.

 

He’s offering me a deal

That I cannot refuse.

A hundred million dollars,

And he says it’s not a ruse.

 

I sent off to him my SSN

and bank account info today.

I should be awfully wealthy

By Sunday, and then hey!

 

Hey I’m stinking rich, all y’all!

Hey I’m as kingly as Kong.

And I helped bring about a dictator’s downfall.

What about this could possibly be wrong?

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I’m Back!

Turgid flames and swollen fire,

I evoke my wrath and all my ire

And crack the whip of impending doom

For the travesty master is back, full of wisdom-toothless gloom.

 

His gums are sown shut with medical wire.

He eats liquid food, but his mood does not mire.

He knows within days he’ll be healed up just fine,

But ’til then, human flesh he must wait on to dine.

 

So thus I am back, and just as lousy as ever.

I’ll continue to write, since that is my endeavor.

So welcome me back with comment or two.

If you don’t, rest assured, I know where live you.

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Geology

I’m under a lot of pressure

To create a poem for your pleasure

Because your regular author has teeth

(More precisely though, the lack of said teeth)

So I hope this is bad enough.

 

Geology takes ages

And everything happens in stages,

But I’m luck enough to find

That I have a superior mind.

It helps that the teacher is hot.

 

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Another Personal Note

Hello readers!

 

Alas, a blight has come upon me, this 27th day of June.

The desntists office calls to me tomorrow afternoon (morning actually, but that didn’t rhyme).

My widom teeth need be pulled out, and so you’ll plainly see

That tomorrow afternoon my mouth will be dumb and bloated as the rest of me.

 

However I write this personal note, in meter, or in the South, in miter

To inform you that the poem tomorrow will be written by a fabulous guest writer.

This writer is my sister, and a telented poet herself.

Sure she lacks my rugged good looks, but at least she has her health.

 

So thus my letter concludes to you.

I will be back, so don’t be blue.

On the 29th my brain shall function

Unsedated, with thoughts of poetic junction.

 

As sincerely as can be accepted from a total stranger who writes crappy poems on the internet,

David

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