If I had a chicken sandwich
For every time I ever farted
My death by starvation would be queuing.
If I had a chicken sandwich
For every time I lied
You’d never hear my farts above the chewing.
Tag Archives: Lies
Because She Took All The Liar’s Money? Or Is He Ridiculously Honest? Either Way, He And His Brother Are Standing By A Fork In The Road And You Probably Have To Ask Them Where Their Town Is Or Something
If I had a nickel
For every time I lied
I would have zero cents
And a supermodel by my side.
The New Normal
Conforming is courage.
Sameness is unique.
Silence is violence
So we all must speak,
But if you speak other
Than what we agree
The only conclusion
Is patriarchy!
Everyone’s special
Except for the whites
And all men, plus women
Who want to have rights.
Such people are dangers
To our peaceful views
Unless they are silenced
By endless bad news.
“The truth” is old-fashioned.
“Your truth” will prevail.
If there are no winners
Then no one can fail!
So dye your hair purple
And get your tattoos
And be one of us rebels
Who share the same views.
Filed under Poems
When You Stretch The Truth Just A Teensy Bit To Get A Sponsorship
When I was a child
I had a lot of fun
Playing a mosquito
As I drank my CapriSun.
Now I’m nine-feet-tall and rich
And so hot it’s not funny
So, CapriSun, please send me
Stuff that doesn’t cost me money.
Filed under Poems
TV Breakfasts
Mom and Dad both work all day
But when the morning breaks
You should see the breakfast
That Mama somehow makes:
A hundred stacks of pancakes,
Bacon, toast, and jam,
Four glasses of fresh orange juice
And a massive honey ham,
And upon this wondrous bounty
Cometh the kids and Dad
They grab a strawberry and run
And Mom’s not even mad…
Filed under Poems
But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…
I think the greatest opportunity
Anyone ever missed
Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”
Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!
Filed under Poems
Almost Year of the Ox…
I was in San Francisco
Looking for a Gucci bag.
I saw one that was perfect
But it didn’t have a tag.
I asked the asian shop clerk
“Is this real? I’m not a cop.”
He said, “Bag not counterfeit,”
And that was bull in a china shop.
Filed under Poems
And That’s The Truth?
At 5:00 AM I woke up
And went for a three-mile run.
At 6:00 AM I wrote a love note
To my honeybun.
At 7:00 AM I had breakfast:
Gold-plated caviar.
At 1:20 PM I lied in a poem
And that’s my day so far!
Filed under Poems
Wrong
A hero stood and spoke the truth,
Was called unwise, uncool, uncouth,
Was thrown out by the ruling men
But in the streets he spoke again.
His home was burned, his name was mocked,
His faith was tested, his world was rocked.
He was left penniless in shame
But when he spoke, he spoke the same.
He watched as liars took control,
Saw how untruths extract their toll.
The Earth collapsed beneath a word,
While the truth was spoken, yet unheard.
Left with no ground to stand upon,
When everything he loved was gone,
The Earth was ash, but still he stood;
He was the only one who would.
But from the ash a flower grew,
A cloud allowed the sunshine through,
A bird sang out a cheerful song
And the hero saw that he was wrong:
Life was good, so broken-hearted
The hero silently departed.
Filed under Poems
World Peace, Step One
I saw a guy driving today
Who had a sign in their back window:
“Please stay back,
“New stick shift driver.”
I’m putting that in the back window
Of every car I buy
From this day forward.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 