Tag Archives: Lies

This Is Why We Have Pets…

If I had a chicken sandwich

For every time I ever farted

My death by starvation would be queuing.

If I had a chicken sandwich

For every time I lied

You’d never hear my farts above the chewing.

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Because She Took All The Liar’s Money? Or Is He Ridiculously Honest? Either Way, He And His Brother Are Standing By A Fork In The Road And You Probably Have To Ask Them Where Their Town Is Or Something

If I had a nickel

For every time I lied

I would have zero cents

And a supermodel by my side.

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The New Normal

Conforming is courage.

Sameness is unique.

Silence is violence

So we all must speak,

But if you speak other

Than what we agree

The only conclusion

Is patriarchy!

Everyone’s special

Except for the whites

And all men, plus women

Who want to have rights.

Such people are dangers

To our peaceful views

Unless they are silenced

By endless bad news.

“The truth” is old-fashioned.

“Your truth” will prevail.

If there are no winners

Then no one can fail!

So dye your hair purple

And get your tattoos

And be one of us rebels

Who share the same views.

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When You Stretch The Truth Just A Teensy Bit To Get A Sponsorship

When I was a child

I had a lot of fun

Playing a mosquito

As I drank my CapriSun.

Now I’m nine-feet-tall and rich

And so hot it’s not funny

So, CapriSun, please send me

Stuff that doesn’t cost me money.

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TV Breakfasts

Mom and Dad both work all day

But when the morning breaks

You should see the breakfast

That Mama somehow makes:

A hundred stacks of pancakes,

Bacon, toast, and jam,

Four glasses of fresh orange juice

And a massive honey ham,

And upon this wondrous bounty

Cometh the kids and Dad

They grab a strawberry and run

And Mom’s not even mad…

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But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…

I think the greatest opportunity

Anyone ever missed

Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”

Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!

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Almost Year of the Ox…

I was in San Francisco

Looking for a Gucci bag.

I saw one that was perfect

But it didn’t have a tag.

I asked the asian shop clerk

“Is this real? I’m not a cop.”

He said, “Bag not counterfeit,”

And that was bull in a china shop.

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And That’s The Truth?

At 5:00 AM I woke up

And went for a three-mile run.

At 6:00 AM I wrote a love note

To my honeybun.

At 7:00 AM I had breakfast:

Gold-plated caviar.

At 1:20 PM I lied in a poem

And that’s my day so far!

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Wrong

A hero stood and spoke the truth,

Was called unwise, uncool, uncouth,

Was thrown out by the ruling men

But in the streets he spoke again.

His home was burned, his name was mocked,

His faith was tested, his world was rocked.

He was left penniless in shame

But when he spoke, he spoke the same.

He watched as liars took control,

Saw how untruths extract their toll.

The Earth collapsed beneath a word,

While the truth was spoken, yet unheard.

Left with no ground to stand upon,

When everything he loved was gone,

The Earth was ash, but still he stood;

He was the only one who would.

But from the ash a flower grew,

A cloud allowed the sunshine through,

A bird sang out a cheerful song

And the hero saw that he was wrong:

Life was good, so broken-hearted

The hero silently departed.

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World Peace, Step One

I saw a guy driving today

Who had a sign in their back window:

“Please stay back,

“New stick shift driver.”

I’m putting that in the back window

Of every car I buy

From this day forward.

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