I ice skate through the forest
With my ice cream cone
While buffering some youtube
On my Samsung mobile phone.
I tripped over a gum drop
And I think I broke my snout.
This is the last time I ask my mom
“What should my poem be about?”
Tag Archives: Advice
Home and the Heart
I read yesterday
That to find love you must
Do what you like doing
And in destiny trust.
I read that by living
As you naturally would
Love will find you
(Or at least it should).
So I lie in my boxers,
Asleep on my couch,
With a paused Halo 4
Shining light on my slouch.
I dream lovely dreams
Of her warmth on my skin,
And I wait for the day
Some cute burglar breaks in.
Filed under Poems
Old Farmer’s Wisdom
Count your eggs before they hatch
‘Cause then you’re set to know
How long your farm can hold its own
If you need an egg to throw.
Filed under Poems
Public Service Announcement
Catching tigers by the toe
Is a very prudent way to go.
The tiger will extend his thanks.
This poem paid for by Tiger Food Banks.
Filed under Poems
Try Everything Once
Unlike you
And unlike me
I know no whales
Who like to ski.
So don’t be whalish.
Be open minded
And lots of fun
Is what you’ll have finded.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Generally Good Advice
No matter how lonely you are
Never move in with a grizzly bear.
It will most assuredly wreck your car
And your shower will be full of hair.
A smart alternative to that
Is to invite small things to your home.
Ever considered getting a cat?
How about a ceramic gnome?
And one thing everyone should get
According to my own surmisements
Is access to poems on the internet.
How’s that for shameless advertisements?
Filed under Poems
How to be a Great Lover
Most men want a woman,
and women want a man.
It seems like love should be easy,
and with my new method, it can!
My method’s known as L.A.M.E.
and it’s an acronym
For a method that works for her
and works even better for him!
“L” stands for lower standards,
and that’s some good advice.
For instance, you meet a friendly man
and he likes you, but has lice.
Lower down your standards
and I’m sure that you’ll say
“I don’t mind that you’re icky, dear,”
and now we move on to “A.”
“A” stands for altercations,
and it’s best if you have many.
Celebrities fight. They fight a lot,
and they make a pretty penny.
So next time your lover insults you
and you feel you want to argue
Fight it out in a public place
and Hollywood will write a show for you!
“M” stands for me, myself, and I
and I think it’s plain to see
That you’re the most improtant part of a relationship
and that’s a good place to be.
So when your lover says to you
“and you never think of me,”
You’ll answer that you think of yourself
and that’s the way it should be.
“E” stands for exit plan,
and it’s probably obvious
That if you follow the instructions
and you come to “wedded bliss”
You’re going to need an exit plan
and you’ll already be prepared.
So try it on your loved one now,
and try not to be scared.
Say “Honey, you are ugly
and I really couldn’t care less.”
Then fight it out in a public place
and televise your stress!
Remember, love is selfish
and think of “me,” good man.
Then run to love another day,
and use your exit plan.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 