Tag Archives: Stupid

Further Proof That Dumb Names Are The Root Of All Evil

I wonder if Julius Caesar

Had been given a manlier name

He wouldn’t have needed to conquer so much

And the world would never be the same.

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Now Mr. Horns Needs Emotional Support Too… Freakin’ East Coast *@%*s

I tried to take my emotional support rhino

On my flight to NYC

But they said I had to buy another seat…

So much for body positivity!

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Driver’s Etiquette

If you think you need

To drive a faster speed

When your car’s ahead of mine

Then all is good and fine.

If you would go faster

When behind me, I’m your master.

Yes, that makes me a jerk

But oh boy does it work!

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Phoning This One In…

There once was a phone with low battery

That I tried to charge with some flattery.

I said, “Hey there Samsung.

“You look very well hung.”

But it died and now I can’t be chattery.

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Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again

Hush little baby! Don’t you cry

Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby

And all that trumpeting hurts your ears

And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…

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Psychiatrists Might Call This “A Cry For Help”

There once was a homicidal maniac

Who like to hold poets hostage.

He may not understand rhyming

But as long as I keep writing

He won’t turn me into bolognese sauce…

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On Monetization (For A Limited Time, You Can See This Poem’s Secret Full Title For Just $1.99 When You Like And Subscribe)!

I’ll tell you a tale of a terror

Of a fellow whose job starts with “C”.

He sold silly stuff, but it wasn’t enough

To make “millionaire” start with a “B”.

So it would seem that he dreamed up a scheme

Where whenever one wanted to win

They could wait for an hour to double their power

Or just pay not to wait to begin.

From there they’d enable the financially stable

To get, just a bit at a time,

A pack of fine hats that add one to your stats

For eleventy-one gems and a dime.

I’m not sure which curse is objectively worse:

The fact that they dreamed up this plan

Or that players will buy ‘til the debt hits their eye

For a chance at a doodad in tan.

And yet player one wants a gun that’s more fun

And mom’s credit card’s been pre-approved…

Or how about trying to stop all our buying

Until C-level guy gets removed?

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If I Can’t Sleep Until I Write A Poem, I Can’t Sleep Until You Read It! (Oh Wait…)

Tonight I stayed up past my bedtime.

In fact, I am still awake as you read.

I’m yawning like crazy and wanting to sleep

So could you please up your processing speed?

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New Year, New Ads

A week ago every TV ad

Showed deals on toys and tech.

Now the ads show deals

On food and weight loss. What the heck?

Oh, yeah! Because the year went up

It’s time to be a better you

And thanks to marketing execs

We’ll know just what to do:

Throw money at the products

That say you’ll have more time,

A slimmer waist and better feet

And less suburban crime.

You’ll save a baby elephant

If you buy our fancy knife

And thanks to free shipping (if you buy NOW)

You’ll live a better life.

I, for one, am grateful

To view these free educational shows.

Now excuse me while I lose some weight

And my magically regrows.

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Music and Lyrics

I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”

Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,

“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”

Then I turned on the radio

And heard a 41-year-old sing

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.”

Children deserve more respect.

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