‘Twas the 10th of September
And on my TV
A commercial was playing
That terrified me:
‘Twas an ad for vacations
At Disneyland Park
But the song in the background
Made the magic go dark,
For the Disney execs
With audacity sheer
Played “It’s the most wonderful
“Time of the year.”
With my heart sinking faster
Than a billionaire’s submersible
I counted the ways
That their timing was cursable ,
Then with my ears bleeding
From this Disneyland bummer
I went out to enjoy
One more fortnight of Summer.
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Repeat after me:
Just because the door says push
Doesn’t mean don’t pull.
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There once was a system that worked
Which made administrative ears be perked
So they followed the scoop
And in they did swoop
And the system’s officially gurked.
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There once was an academic class
That everyone would always pass,
So students did no work
And got A’s as a perk
And that’s why the job market’s ass.
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One day when I was falling asleep
I watched a video of some guys
Pressing a button to time themselves
Without using their eyes
And now my entire video feed
Is infested with “buzzing pros”
And YouTube disabled any way
Of never again seeing those…
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Superman came flying down
And handed me an Out.
He said, “I’ll be back before tomorrow”
But I had considerable doubt,
So I struck Superman with my knee
And I’m feeling perfectly right;
I kneed a hero
I’m holding Out for a hero ’til the end of the night.
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Back in 1776
The British government
Oppressed its people oh so much
That they off seceding they went.
Now 250 years later
The British somehow find
New things to ban or punish,
Now including the human mind.
In another century or so
When Mars has human dwellers
We’ll see the Union Jack flying
And many space-suitless dwellers
Because the British government
Will long since have outlawed breathing
But the beating hearts and smiles
Will leave the Martian rulers seething.
Then millions of miles away in space
The British will finally see
That the time has come to pull the plug
And finally outlaw tea.
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We used to joke about word problems
Like “If Joe has 16 melons
“And he puts them in a room with radius pi
“What demographic becomes felons?”
Now we have word problems
Like “You have a one-dollar bill.
“How many dollars do you have
“If you do nothing and stand still?”
Despite the simplification
Of out mathematical riddles
We have fewer correct answers
And more restless thumb twiddles.
(In case you’re feeling curious
The answers are “transeuntes”
And, thanks to hyperinflation,
Somewhere around sixty-eight cents)
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So we’re down three to one
With half an hour to play.
Let’s kick the ball to each other
And do nothing, okay?
Wait, you think we should try
To score after all?
With that attitude
Just give Belgium the ball!
Oh wait, you complied
And the score’s four to one?
Well done team! Now America
Can watch sports that are fun!
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Rolling office chair
Can reach 50 MPH
If you try enough.
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The Daily Travesty 