Tag Archives: Stupid

“Write A Poem With Silver And Orange… You Can’t”

All that is gold does not glitter;

All that is green does not grow;

But all that is orange and all that is silver

Will not have an easy rhyme though.

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Not All Mentors Are Created Equal

Spring chicken, tell me what you see

Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?

It is a strange thing, to be sure,

And I’m not sure I understand it

In my mind or heart

But still I trust, for I asked and you answered

“Puckaaaawwwwww!”

I shall strive to live by those words.

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Ode To A Misplaced Pineapple

Some days you are happy

And some days not so much,

Like when you’re buying groceries

Like bread and fruit and such,

And you put a bag down

And unbeknownst to you

A pineapple falls out upon

A chair not in your view.

Later, when you’re tired

From putting food away

You sigh and stretch and yawn

And then you murmur, “What a day.”

Some days you are miserable;

Some days you sing and dance.

Today I did both, for I sat without thinking

And also without wearing pants.

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#BlackMarketsMatter

Yesterday, my neighbors

Put on a firework display

Although it was illegal,

But everyone was like, “Okay.”

And so some normal people

Broke the law, and yet someone

Still thinks that no criminals

Can buy an illegal gun…

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Encourage Someone To Be A Wasp Or A Jellyfish… It Just Makes Sense

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”

Is just a longer way to say

“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.

Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…

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The Same Logic Applies To “Housewife,” “Life Partner,” and “Money”

I am a homeless student

Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,

I won’t have any homework

So I guess my life is good.

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Confessions of a Former Spelling Bee Champion

There once was a guy named Kibau

Who lived on a farm with a plough.

He once swore a vow

Never once to say “Ciao”

And you get the point: Spelling is stupid.

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Story Time, 2321

Today we remember the world’s greatest dancer

Who ten score years earlier passed on from cancer.

Before she succumbed to the tumors and such

She lived a grand life and accomplished so much:

She was the first woman to dance on the moon,

The first to make contact with the Laser Raccoon,

The inventor of Carbon, the first scrambler of eggs,

And ZZ Top’s inspiration to write “She’s Got Legs.”

When she was young people said she was odd

For she went to the pet store and adopted a God.

As she grew older her thoughts turned to war

And where once there was everything there soon was no more,

So she let her pet rebuild quite a bit

While she spent her time just relaxing a bit.

Then she saw an ad in a paper one day

And, on a whim, chose to take up ballet.

She learned how to twirl and wear tutus and stuff

And discovered ballet was incredibly tough…

Much tougher than crushing rebellions, they say…

Worse even than smelling some Axe body spray.

She struggled and sweated, for she felt it vital

That she must be ready for her first recital.

She struggled and strained through each pirouette

‘Til she was the best that a dancer could get.

Some people had doubted, had mocked her and laughed

But after she danced they all saw how they’d gaffed.

“Alas,” they cried out as she do-si’d her do

And those who felt proud suddenly felt quite low.

And as she bowed low and the watchers applauded

And her majesty great by the critics was lauded

She said the five words that ended her tale:

She said “I was born biologically male.”

The entire world raged and volcanoes erupted

As their heroine’s image by sin was corrupted

And so she was wiped from the pages of history

And now even her name is no more than a mystery.

Some people will tell you this poem’s not funny,

That I am just lying ‘cause I want your money,

But know that this legend is utterly true

Or the Earth isn’t flat and the sky isn’t blue.

And if you say otherwise, I’ll have you know

There’s a place where all bad kids like you have to go…

The worst prison ever, a hell of a jail

Reserved for those convicted of being a white male.

That’s all for today, little wards of the state.

Now go home and remember, love is better than hate.

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#Fitness

Cookies for breakfast,

Pizza for lunch,

Twelve donuts for dinner,

But I did one crunch!

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Still Cheaper Than Student Loan Forgiveness

Somebody ought to make a theme park

Inspired by loneliness

And they only let one person in at a time,

And that one guest

Who feels sad and miserable and alone

Gets to ride roller coasters

And skip all the lines

And there’s no trash or noise

Or dirty screaming little kids

And everyone is happy.

And other lonely people come

And they ride the roller coasters too

But they have to wait

And they’re hungry and tired

And everyone is miserable

And then they all leave

And the first guest feels good again

Because they appreciate how nice it is to be alone.

Then we repeat the process 7.5 billion times

And we have world peace.

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