I wonder if Julius Caesar
Had been given a manlier name
He wouldn’t have needed to conquer so much
And the world would never be the same.
Tag Archives: Stupid
Now Mr. Horns Needs Emotional Support Too… Freakin’ East Coast *@%*s
I tried to take my emotional support rhino
On my flight to NYC
But they said I had to buy another seat…
So much for body positivity!
Filed under Poems
Phoning This One In…
There once was a phone with low battery
That I tried to charge with some flattery.
I said, “Hey there Samsung.
“You look very well hung.”
But it died and now I can’t be chattery.
Filed under Poems
Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again
Hush little baby! Don’t you cry
Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby
And all that trumpeting hurts your ears
And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…
Filed under Poems
Psychiatrists Might Call This “A Cry For Help”
There once was a homicidal maniac
Who like to hold poets hostage.
He may not understand rhyming
But as long as I keep writing
He won’t turn me into bolognese sauce…
Filed under Poems
On Monetization (For A Limited Time, You Can See This Poem’s Secret Full Title For Just $1.99 When You Like And Subscribe)!
I’ll tell you a tale of a terror
Of a fellow whose job starts with “C”.
He sold silly stuff, but it wasn’t enough
To make “millionaire” start with a “B”.
So it would seem that he dreamed up a scheme
Where whenever one wanted to win
They could wait for an hour to double their power
Or just pay not to wait to begin.
From there they’d enable the financially stable
To get, just a bit at a time,
A pack of fine hats that add one to your stats
For eleventy-one gems and a dime.
I’m not sure which curse is objectively worse:
The fact that they dreamed up this plan
Or that players will buy ‘til the debt hits their eye
For a chance at a doodad in tan.
And yet player one wants a gun that’s more fun
And mom’s credit card’s been pre-approved…
Or how about trying to stop all our buying
Until C-level guy gets removed?
Filed under Poems
If I Can’t Sleep Until I Write A Poem, I Can’t Sleep Until You Read It! (Oh Wait…)
Tonight I stayed up past my bedtime.
In fact, I am still awake as you read.
I’m yawning like crazy and wanting to sleep
So could you please up your processing speed?
New Year, New Ads
A week ago every TV ad
Showed deals on toys and tech.
Now the ads show deals
On food and weight loss. What the heck?
Oh, yeah! Because the year went up
It’s time to be a better you
And thanks to marketing execs
We’ll know just what to do:
Throw money at the products
That say you’ll have more time,
A slimmer waist and better feet
And less suburban crime.
You’ll save a baby elephant
If you buy our fancy knife
And thanks to free shipping (if you buy NOW)
You’ll live a better life.
I, for one, am grateful
To view these free educational shows.
Now excuse me while I lose some weight
And my magically regrows.
Filed under Poems
Music and Lyrics
I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”
Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,
“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”
Then I turned on the radio
And heard a 41-year-old sing
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.”
Children deserve more respect.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 