Tag Archives: Stupid

Hogwarts, 2021

If you think a Banshee’s scream is bad

You have never heard

The scream of the mythical Banthey

When one’s been misgendered.

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Alpha, Delta, Omicron…

A kid with jelly on his hands

Picked up a DVD

And put it in to watch a film

On their big screen TV,

But yet alas, the dirty disc

Got stuck around halfway

And it repeated the same old scene

Even when they pressed “play.”

Then finally they’d had enough

And said “I’ve had enough,”

Pulled out the disk and wiped it off

Then did some other stuff.

A five-year old can figure out

When something isn’t right

To make a new plan without delay

And still have fun that night.

And yet the leaders we voted for

Have yet to grasp this thought,;

Instead they say “shots didn’t work…

“How ‘bout another shot?”

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By Reading This Limerick You May Or May Not Open A Parallel Universe

There once was a cat of Schrodinger

Who wanted to give science the finger.

He said “I will stay

“And also walk away.”

Thus he simultaneously did and did not linger.

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OMG Dad, Why Can’t You Understand Vulture Is A Student Of The World?

Their wonce was amen from Bolder

Hoo new mai dotter end tolled hurr

“Eye a door ewe, Amanda

“‘Cause u un-derstanneduh

“Spelling sin the I of de beholdre.”

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And The School Board Patted Themselves On The Back And Said “We Made World Peace”

I was being bullied

And kids called me gay.

I said, “Actually I identify as a non-binary person”

And the kids said, “Oh cool! Then you’re ok.”

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If Academic Papers Were Haikus: An Unnecessarily Wordy Inquiry Into The Five Syllable, Seven Syllable, Five Syllable Metric Pattern Of Japanese Poetry Because My Professor Assigned A 500-Word Paper (Please Don’t Check My Margins Or Change The Font Color)

A haiku has five

Syllables, and then seven

On the second line

According to a

Study by Milner and Stein

In 2005.

They discovered that

The five-seven-five pattern

Was correlated

With most old haiku.

That means haiku have three lines.

Polysyllabic.

This correlation

Was confirmed by researchers

Who can count numbers.

To learn more, check out

My works cited I stole from

Wikipedia.

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And Don’t Even THINK About Calling Your Fairy “Sugarplum”

I think the biggest reason

Why the term “minion” exists

Is because all the female henchmen

Continually insist

That “henchman” is a sexist term

And they should be called “henchperson”

And the trust relationship

With their villain starts to worsen.

To avoid such conflicts

The term “minion” is used instead…

Until the feminists learn “minion” means “cute”

And say “Call us ‘persons of evil’ instead.”

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By The Way, Why Did Didn’t

Today I wrote

“Why did the chicken cross the road”

And someone petty replied

“You forgot the question mark…

“You meant ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”

So I went out and bought a chicken

And named it Why Did

And I commanded it:

“Why Did the chicken, cross the road!”

That’s what random internet people get

For being grammar nazis.

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Daddy Is The Child, While The Daddy Is Childish

If I were a professional athlete

Who married a supermodel

And knew my progeny’s eventual genes

Would be cranking out talent full-throttle

I think I would name my son “Daddy”

Just to see the look on some faces

Whenever my son is revealed as the one

Who wins all the games and the races.

“Oh yes, Daddy’s enormous”

All the commentators would say

“And Daddy’s been known to dominate

“Everybody who stands in his way.”

Let’s say Daddy learned to play hockey…

I think that would sound pretty slick:

“Daddy comes quickly towards the goal!

“I love how he handles his stick!”

Daddy could master the breast stroke,

Or hook up with a tight end,

Dribble his ball for a lay-in

Or illegally use his hands “to defend.”

Yes, my athletic son Daddy

Would make even golf fun to watch…

But alas, God made me a poet

And no athlete shall be conceived by my crotch.

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Next You’ll Tell Me Hot Sauce Bottles Breathe Fire…

Sometimes I wish

That I were a fish,

But then I think

“What if I sink?”

Just then my daughter

Said “Fish can breathe water.”

I said “You wish!

“Fish can just holds fish.”

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