I use to think that crack cocaine
Was a terrible social ill,
Until the other type of Coke
Reclaimed the top of the hill
By training its employees
That they should be “less white.”
If folks buy crack then c’est la vie
But to buy coca-cola ain’t right.
Filed under Poems
People lose millions of dollars a day
To people with terrible grammar,
So I figured “Hey, I seem stupid sometimes
“So why shouldn’t I be a scammer?”
I sent out an email to millions of people
Saying “I could have stolen a stack
“But instead I abstained from stealing your money
“So to say thanks, could you send some back?”
That was on Monday and now it is Friday
And I’m not sure if scams like this work…
So now you’re aware of why criminals steal:
It’s ’cause you’re a miserly jerk!
Filed under Poems
There once was a fellow from Prague
Who went for a leisurely jague.
He ran for a while
With a big happy smhile
But, alas, he fell into a bague.
Filed under Poems
Tonight I have no topics
To write a poem about…
But will that stop me? Never!
I’m shocked you’d ever doubt!
No force of man or nature
Can stop me writing junk.
As big tech corporations say:
“It’s a feature, not a funk.”
In fact, when I’m inspired
I might settle for one stanza
About something that sounds funny
Like Swaziland or Lufthansa.
But today, despite my lack
Of anything resembling a point
I wrote a lengthy poem
And if you don’t like it, suck my groint.
Filed under Poems
Woe is me, woe is me
For my true love is dead.
She woke up one morning
With one fewer head.
It cannot be real!
It must be a fake!
I’m angry as hell
Thanks to someone’s mistake!
Oh, what would I give
To return her to life?
Oh what’s the use anyway?
Let’s get on with life.
Filed under Poems
If two trains depart at identical hours
Traveling towards one another
On parallel tracks, both carrying snacks
For the opposite engineer’s mother
When first they pass one another
At speeds varying by a factor of 5
How long will it take before students
Make their teacher no longer alive?
Filed under Poems
A twenty-year-old white girl asked
Why mice seek out a trap.
Then she smiled and sang along
To ALL the gangster rap!
Filed under Poems
Harry stood on stage,
Took a deep breath,
And said, “The,” for forty days.
Every day another voice joined
For eleven and a half weeks.
On the forty first day,
Harry stood on stage,
Took another deep breath,
And said, “World,”
And the followers waited a day
Before echoing him.
And so it was that Harry
And the multitude who came after
Sang a round, “The World,” in eighty days.
Filed under Poems
“Airhead’s an offensive term,”
Said my girlfriend of 30 days.
I said, “Sorry, didn’t know.”
Now I call her “Bag of Lays.”
Filed under Poems
The dragon was coming
To Farawayshire
To eat many virgins
And breathe lots of fire.
The lord of the town said
“‘Fraid of dragons we aint,
“For I have procured us
“A fireproof paint!”
And so people painted
The roofs and the walls
Or the houses and stables
And castles and malls
Until the Lord said
With the smallest of sneezes,
“Cease painting at once
“For it causes diseases.”
The paint, it so happened
Did cause minor distress
To persons named Remington,
Fleischmann, and Hess.
Those with such names
Of course caused quite a fuss
While the rest of the town
Wondered, “What about us?
“The dragon is coming!
“How will we survive?
“Sure, a few will be sickened
“But we’ll be alive!”
The mayor just laughed
And he said with a tsk…
“What’s a few teeth and fire
“When our health is at risk?”
And, for some reason, this
Made the citizens calm
And await coming dragons
With nary a qualm.
Filed under Poems
