All that is gold does not glitter;
All that is green does not grow;
But all that is orange and all that is silver
Will not have an easy rhyme though.
Tag Archives: Stupid
Not All Mentors Are Created Equal
Spring chicken, tell me what you see
Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?
It is a strange thing, to be sure,
And I’m not sure I understand it
In my mind or heart
But still I trust, for I asked and you answered
“Puckaaaawwwwww!”
I shall strive to live by those words.
Filed under Poems
Ode To A Misplaced Pineapple
Some days you are happy
And some days not so much,
Like when you’re buying groceries
Like bread and fruit and such,
And you put a bag down
And unbeknownst to you
A pineapple falls out upon
A chair not in your view.
Later, when you’re tired
From putting food away
You sigh and stretch and yawn
And then you murmur, “What a day.”
Some days you are miserable;
Some days you sing and dance.
Today I did both, for I sat without thinking
And also without wearing pants.
Filed under Poems
#BlackMarketsMatter
Yesterday, my neighbors
Put on a firework display
Although it was illegal,
But everyone was like, “Okay.”
And so some normal people
Broke the law, and yet someone
Still thinks that no criminals
Can buy an illegal gun…
Filed under Poems
Encourage Someone To Be A Wasp Or A Jellyfish… It Just Makes Sense
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”
Is just a longer way to say
“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.
Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…
Filed under Poems
The Same Logic Applies To “Housewife,” “Life Partner,” and “Money”
I am a homeless student
Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,
I won’t have any homework
So I guess my life is good.
Filed under Poems
Confessions of a Former Spelling Bee Champion
There once was a guy named Kibau
Who lived on a farm with a plough.
He once swore a vow
Never once to say “Ciao”
And you get the point: Spelling is stupid.
Filed under Poems
Story Time, 2321
Today we remember the world’s greatest dancer
Who ten score years earlier passed on from cancer.
Before she succumbed to the tumors and such
She lived a grand life and accomplished so much:
She was the first woman to dance on the moon,
The first to make contact with the Laser Raccoon,
The inventor of Carbon, the first scrambler of eggs,
And ZZ Top’s inspiration to write “She’s Got Legs.”
When she was young people said she was odd
For she went to the pet store and adopted a God.
As she grew older her thoughts turned to war
And where once there was everything there soon was no more,
So she let her pet rebuild quite a bit
While she spent her time just relaxing a bit.
Then she saw an ad in a paper one day
And, on a whim, chose to take up ballet.
She learned how to twirl and wear tutus and stuff
And discovered ballet was incredibly tough…
Much tougher than crushing rebellions, they say…
Worse even than smelling some Axe body spray.
She struggled and sweated, for she felt it vital
That she must be ready for her first recital.
She struggled and strained through each pirouette
‘Til she was the best that a dancer could get.
Some people had doubted, had mocked her and laughed
But after she danced they all saw how they’d gaffed.
“Alas,” they cried out as she do-si’d her do
And those who felt proud suddenly felt quite low.
And as she bowed low and the watchers applauded
And her majesty great by the critics was lauded
She said the five words that ended her tale:
She said “I was born biologically male.”
The entire world raged and volcanoes erupted
As their heroine’s image by sin was corrupted
And so she was wiped from the pages of history
And now even her name is no more than a mystery.
Some people will tell you this poem’s not funny,
That I am just lying ‘cause I want your money,
But know that this legend is utterly true
Or the Earth isn’t flat and the sky isn’t blue.
And if you say otherwise, I’ll have you know
There’s a place where all bad kids like you have to go…
The worst prison ever, a hell of a jail
Reserved for those convicted of being a white male.
That’s all for today, little wards of the state.
Now go home and remember, love is better than hate.
Filed under Poems
#Fitness
Cookies for breakfast,
Pizza for lunch,
Twelve donuts for dinner,
But I did one crunch!
Filed under Poems
Still Cheaper Than Student Loan Forgiveness
Somebody ought to make a theme park
Inspired by loneliness
And they only let one person in at a time,
And that one guest
Who feels sad and miserable and alone
Gets to ride roller coasters
And skip all the lines
And there’s no trash or noise
Or dirty screaming little kids
And everyone is happy.
And other lonely people come
And they ride the roller coasters too
But they have to wait
And they’re hungry and tired
And everyone is miserable
And then they all leave
And the first guest feels good again
Because they appreciate how nice it is to be alone.
Then we repeat the process 7.5 billion times
And we have world peace.
Filed under Poems
