Tag Archives: Random

The Benefits Of Not Being Tan

In a world without coyotes

And a scarcity of ginger ale

I’d take comfort in the notion

That my legs would still be pale.

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Moral Ambiguity In The Marvel Culinary Universe

Honorable dessert, cake of courage,

Your frosting is noble, your filling is strong.

Honorable dessert, please answer me this:

Is wanting to eat you so wrong?

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A Blessing In Disguise?

If I had a nickel

For every time I’ve wanted a nickel

I’d have enough to buy

At least one delicious pickle.

If I had a dollar

For every time I’ve wanted a dollar

I’d be so buried in delicious pickles

No one would hear me holler.

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Why Not Let AI Do My Job? (Or Why My Poems Aren’t So Bad After All)

Whose milkshake is that? I think I know.
Its owner is quite happy though.
Full of joy like a vivid rainbow,
I watch her laugh. I cry hello.

She gives her milkshake a shake,
And laughs until her belly aches.
The only other sound’s the break,
Of distant waves and birds awake.

The milkshake is sweet, cold and deep,
But she has promises to keep,
After cake and lots of sleep.
Sweet dreams come to her cheap.

She rises from her gentle bed,
With thoughts of kittens in her head,
She eats her jam with lots of bread.
Ready for the day ahead.

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Attack of the Alabaster Basil from the planet Flaccidpookum (Or Why Originality Is Not As Important As You Think)

It was a normal day in the white house,

Or so President Smellingsalt thought…

Until the sky opened and blood rained down

Like the street corner prophets were taught

And a sprig of an herb, aromatic and pale

Smote the Earth and declared “I’m your master!”

And the humans proclaimed, “Oh no! What the heck!

“It’s basil that’s somehow Alabaster!”

And the basil proclaimed from celestial height

“Yes, people of Earth. Your statement is right!”

But what happened next to the humans did shook ‘em…

The basil declared “I am from Flaccidpookum!”

After that day life was largely the same

Except people drank a lot more hoppy beers.

The saddest part is this poem’s more original

Than anything Hollywood’s made for the past dozen years.

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Making Your Mind Up

The stuff that makes wine

May grow on a vine;

The stuff that makes mead

Is what the bees need;

The stuff that makes leeches

Can be found on beaches;

But what makes my mind go

No one ever will know.

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Versatility 101

“There’s no such thing as magic”

Is what the stranger said,

So I dropped the pulsing rainbow orb

And hit him with a pan instead.

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Halloween Eve And Christmas Eve Are Not The Same

Tomorrow we’ll dress up

And take candy from strangers

Then listen to music

About Santa and mangers

But tonight we’ll eat ice cream

And go to Ikea

And buy toilet paper

For Tuesday’s diarrhea.

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Green Power Meets Greek Power

A giant electric windmill met Sisyphus

And asked, “Do you like music, man?”

Sisyphus said, “Anything but rock and roll.”

The turbine said, “I’m a big metal fan.”

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Apparently “Oline” Makes Things Less Amusing

God has a sense of humor.

Ask me how I know!

I see proof in everything,

Like how the falling snow

Looks like the Millennium Falcon

Even before it was a thing,

Or how when we eat too much

Our butts spontaneously sing.

I like that sense of humor,

But one thing I don’t find funny

Is how, when I fart, my gas is free

But I still pay for gas with money.

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