Tag Archives: Random

Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!

The Jedi Order’s been around

For many thousands of years

And made a lot of laser swords

They didn’t give their peers.

These laser swords cut anything

Except each other, it seems,

And they block laser guns and stuff

And red ones oft cause screams.

My question for the Jedi,

Who claim to be guardians of peace,

Is why they never thought to make

An armor made of these?

A suit of laser armor

That blocks all forms of harm

Would prevent a lot of Jedi who

So often lose an arm,

As well as making everyone

Invulnerable to violence.

The only downside I can see

Is that the world would no longer have silence…

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Find Someone Who Loves Your Crazy?

I asked this girl that I just met

“What things make you feel upset?”

She said, “When I need to cry

“But alligators attack me from the sky.”

Then, like kind girls tend to do,

She asked “That’s me… how ’bout you?”

“Mostly milk, but also a falling gator.”

Then we agreed to marry later.

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When You Really Want To Do An Epic Rhyme But The Setup Is Bananas

There was a grammarian from Crimea

Who had a friend, Timmy Nadia.

Timmy N said “Gimme an

“Crimean simian”

And the grammarian said, “It’s ‘give me a.'”

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The Edge of Seventeen

There’s a lake just off the freeway

That I went to with a girl

And we sat beside the water,

Feeding nature to a squirrel.

We made noises with our mouths

And made each other laugh,

Then we got someone to feed us

And we only paid for half.

We saw folks in real pain

Pretend to hurt in different ways

While on a screen and in the guise

Of whatever film’s the craze.

Then I drove backwards up a hill

To drop her off at almost nowhere.

I think about her every time

I see that lake, but never go there.

Such is love and such is life

For one who sees the sun at night,

Who, knowing how they hunger so,

Gladly lets the bedbugs bite.

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Nostalgia For Days Less Wordy

I am a man who’s mostly fluent

In most things some call “incongruent.”

If you don’t swallow, you shall spewn’t.

Also, I’m not Clyde.

I hope the intro set the scene

For me to tell you what has been;

This time’s the time I met my queen,

My once and future bride.

My eyes fell softly on the wench

Who sat backwards upon a bench,

Talking to a crescent wrench

About which bands were good.

I asked the lady, “How be it

“That you who speak to hardware sit

“With legs ensconced, I do admit,

“Within that bench of wood?”

She did not reply at first,

For my manners were near the worst,

And I, my oversight, then cursed

And then addressed the tool.

Now seeing that I understood,

She said “I’m trapped within the wood

“Because I wondered if I could.”

Now I felt like a fool

And so I left her trapped within

The bench where didst our tale begin,

For sitting backwards is no sin

But merely hard to grasp.

She’s still my queen and future bride,

For I speak truth and have not lied.

When she is free, and bathed beside,

Her body I will clasp.

For who better to share a life,

Who better to be made a wife,

Than one, though trapped, can feel no strife

Though physics she has broken?

And who, from her odd point of view

Can feel a love so strong and true

Than not Clyde, whose hair isn’t blue,

Who made her heart awoken?

This tale has a moral, yes,

So close your eyes and take a guess.

Your eyes are closed… how read you this?

Anyway, I boast

That this here incongruent verse

Tells you, dear reader, of my curse

And that there are things so much worse

Than a lazy, four-line post.

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When You Least Expect It

Sometimes you bite

A chocolate chip cookie

But it’s actually oatmeal raisin.

Sometimes you meet with

A girl you don’t like

But she’s actually really amazin’.

Sometimes you’re hired

For the job of your dreams

Which turns into something you dread.

Sometimes a cookie

Is only a cookie

But sometimes it’s a chimpanzee’s head.

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This Is Infinitely Better Than Whatever Poem I Come Up With Today

http://inspirobot.me/

Do it 🙂

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Mary Poppins, Directed by Quentin Tarantino

I like hiking by the stream.

I like the taste of whipping cream.

I like having a happy dream.

Also, the electric chair.

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Life’s Hard Questions

If you gave a guy from Zimbabwe

A billion dollars cash

He could buy a whole lot of cattle

And a man with a lot of cattle is rich,

But if you give an American guy

A billion dollars worth of cattle

He can send his enemies cow poop

For the rest of his life,

So who’s the real winner?

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The Hero We Deserve

I hope somewhere there is a bat

Who’s terrified of men

Who flew off to train with ninjas

And (insert syllables here) then

He became a vigilante

Fighting crime and stuff like that.

He holes up in his man cave

Because he’s called Manbat.

He wears a man-shaped costume

With a cape that’s shaped like fat.

The drives his manmobile badly

Because he is a bat.

I want this very badly

Mostly ’cause of the “man cave” pun.

His sidekick is called Flamingo

And yes, this poem is done.

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