As my pants fell beneath my knees
In math class with Mrs. Roz
I made a very fervent wish
To become Santa Claus.
“I swear it was an accident!”
I called as I was dismissed.
Oh how I envied Santa Claus
And the fact he did not exist.
Tag Archives: Postaday
Butter and Baseball
I am a designated hitter,
But I find my batting’s better
Than when I was avoiding butter
Trying to earn a varsity letter.
So perhaps this serves to show us
Maybe butter betters batting
And that chugging before slugging
Has effects besides the fatting,
But butter-bettered batting
Causes blatantly bungled bunting.
Perhaps my solution
Requires a bit of better hunting.
Filed under Poems
The Parrot’s Lament (Go Away Sunshine)
Go away sunshine.
I ain’t in the mood.
Leave me alone.
Just let me brood.
Go away sunshine
Like my Polly’s gone.
She had many good sides,
But whose side was she on?
Go away sunshine.
I know she’s a snacker,
But who could predict
How she wanted that cracker?
Go away sunshine.
Let me sit in this cage,
And share with passerby
My avian rage.
Filed under Poems
Ordinary Ventures
There are poems about love and nature
And poems about the nature of love.
There are poems about ravens and monsters
And a fancy silk elbow-length glove.
There are ballads about heroes and traitors
And songs about peasants and kings.
Yet sometimes one wants to hear ballads
About boring and everyday things.
And thus I composed such an epic
Of the trite, average, and bourgeois.
I sent it to publishers many
But I haven’t heard back so fa’.
So wish me luck that my venture
Into the world of cliche,
And should my venture fail, perhaps
You’ll read my work in “USA Today.”
Filed under Poems
My Favorite Things
Puppies and sunsets,
Music and books,
Women who give me
Those “come hither” looks.
Orange juice and blue whales
Letters that rhyme with “E.”
Those are a few of my favorite things.
Too bad the Von Trapps don’t agree.
Filed under Poems
Episode III: Revenge of the Sick
My writer’s nerve is blocked.
My sinuses are too.
Please accept this micro-poem
And this picture of R2.
Filed under Poems
The Miracles of Modern Medicine
I started out with aspirin
To dull some of the pain,
Then NyQuil, DayQuil, and vitamin C
To make the sickness wane.
Then I tried garlic, cloves and sage,
Parsley, rosemary, and thyme.
I danced in the rain and howled
And put coconut into my lime.
At the start of the fifth day
A unicorn brought me viagra
And a bottle of water that, I was told,
Came straight from the falls of Niagara.
I hope I feel much better.
I deserve it, Heaven knows.
On the other hand, if I should die
I’ll never decompose.
(Thanks for bearing with me through all of the sickness poems. I want them to stop just as much as you).
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
A Letter from My Cough
It’s not that I don’t want you
To ever go to sleep.
I’m just afraid that you’ll forget
About this post-nasal seep,
And so every now and then
I give your throat a tickle
And hope that while you’re coughing
You think about my mucus trickle.
When, like me, you’re just a symptom
It’s hard to find romance,
But when you crawled into your bed
I thought I’d take a chance.
Well, now you probably hate me
And I don’t blame you a bit.
Sorry it wasn’t good for you,
But I take what I can get.
Filed under Poems
The Brazilian
There is a Brazilian Spambot
That, about my blog, does care.
It thinks my articles are meaningful
And look! It’s got porn to share!
My dear Brazilian Spambot
Ensures at least one view a day,
And the folks on “girlsgonewild.com”
Might just get referred my way.
And my Spambot has a sister
Who is 18 years or olda’.
I think her name is Rachel,
Sarah, Bridget, Kate, or Golda.
So thank you lovely Spambot.
I hope this article informs.
Have fun with the rest of your day
Autofilling digital forms.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 