In the civil war, a soldier fled
Across the Kentucky border,
Seeking to preserve his life
By disobeying his orders.
But when he crossed he found himself
On more unfriendly soil.
The deserter was taken hostage
And executed with boiling oil.
I don’t blame you if this story
Might make you quake or sicken,
But its moral is important:
How Kentucky fried the chicken.
Filed under Poems
A cattle ranch was neighbors
With a marijuana farm.
They thought the two could coexist
And not cause any harm.
Now the cows are singing Green Day songs
And I can’t tell a lie:
I never dreamed proximity
Could make the steaks so high.
Filed under Poems
I bought a leaf blower the other day
And my trees are so happy it’s crazy.
I asked one tree “Why do you smile at me?”
Tree said, “Well, my wife’s gotten lazy…”
Filed under Poems
When your heart beats really fast
That’s tachycardia
(Or so the doctors would have you believe).
But if your heart beats quickly
And you’re upper-middle class
It’s classycardia. (Ok, I’ll leave)
Filed under Poems
When robbers hold their guns out
And bellow, “Stick ‘em up”
The whole ordeal is really rather crass.
But it gets even worse
When they try to rob the livestock
‘Cause then the robbers “Stick ‘em up” your ass.
Filed under Poems
The church tells us
That prejudice is bad.
On the other hand, pre-Judas
Were the best years Jesus had.
In the distant German mountains
The cloistered monks abide,
Perfectly fermenting
The hidden power that’s inside.
They slice a cabbage handily
With their German ninja blade,
Discovering through discipline
How real strength is made.
They drink not wine but vinegar
As they battle high and low,
The secret monk practitioners
Of the great art: Sauer Do.
Filed under Poems
Little Dracula was a fool.
Little Dracula didn’t go to school.
His one weakness he could not surmount:
Little Dracula could not count.
Filed under Poems
Body builder said
“Feel my upper back”, but I
Knew it was a trap.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 