Tag Archives: Jesus

Son Of God, Father Of Refreshing Beverages?

They say Jesus turned water into wine

But there’s an alternative guess I see:

I think Jesus was the inventor of Kool-Aid

But hadn’t perfected the recipe.

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The Sons Of Reuben Were All Prophets?

I think that Jesus didn’t have children

Because if he had children then

He’d make them sandwiches, but they’d complain

“Daaad… pastrami and rise again?”


On the other hand, Moses was famous

For his sandwiches. That’s what I hear.

In fact, back in Egypt I heard he was voted

The Nigev desert’s manna the year.

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It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really

Today is Easter, as you know.

It’s also April Fool’s Day.

I think those go together

As they celebrate the way

That Jesus was all dead and stuff

And then suddenly he wasn’t.

The two holidays make sense to me

Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.

What also doesn’t make much sense

Is a question of this kind:

It’s that God sacrificed himself

To appease himself I mind.

Not only that, but if it’s true

That Jesus isn’t dead

Then why not find another way

To cure one’s Godly head?

It seems if you’re omnipotent

You could just say “hey folks,

“Get your shit together”

Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.

But I am just a human

And can’t be my own son

So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs

And let His will be done.

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Is This Just Uninspired Trash Or Some Sort Of Super-Roundabout-Yomama Joke Or What?

Folks sometimes yell

“Jesus Christ!” When they’re mad,

But what did Mary shout

When Jesus was bad?

I do have a theory

And, yes, it is lame

But when Jesus was bad

Mary shouted my name.

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In Hindsight, Not A Guy To Cross

Jesus’s phone rang, and so he asked “who dis?”

The voice told him “my name is Judas.”

Looking back on it now

Jesus needn’t’ve said “ow”

If right then he had fled to Barbudas.

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They Have Strong Legs in Mexico

I sang “dropkick me Jesus

“Through the goal posts of life.”

My Mexican gardener is very literal.

It’s caused us some strife.

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The Conception of Christ

In the year of 1 B.C.

God called Gabriel.

“There’s a girl I’ve been watching, Gabe,” he said.

“In love, I fear I’ve fell.


“Gabe, I want her to have my child,”

But Gabe, he did protest.

“If all humans are your children,

Then isn’t this plan incest?”


Eventually, the angel caved,

And flew on down to Earth.

He flew into a manger,

And spoke to the woman who was to give birth.


“Nice place you have here Mary!”

He said, that April day.

“But do you ever tire of sleeping with this ass?”

Joseph arose, and shouted “Hey!”


“I’m talking about a donkey,” Gabe replied,

As he sat down on the hay-ster.

“Long story short, God want’s you pregnant.

He sent me with a turkey baster.”


“I will not let you do this, sir!”

Joseph shouted, getting mad-y.

“Don’t worry Joe,” Mary soothed.

“You can be the baby daddy!”


And nine months later, Christ was born

Inside that very manger.

If that’s not how you heard the story,

Where do you get your info, stranger?

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