They say Jesus turned water into wine
But there’s an alternative guess I see:
I think Jesus was the inventor of Kool-Aid
But hadn’t perfected the recipe.
Tag Archives: Jesus
The Sons Of Reuben Were All Prophets?
I think that Jesus didn’t have children
Because if he had children then
He’d make them sandwiches, but they’d complain
“Daaad… pastrami and rise again?”
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On the other hand, Moses was famous
For his sandwiches. That’s what I hear.
In fact, back in Egypt I heard he was voted
The Nigev desert’s manna the year.
Filed under Poems
It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really
Today is Easter, as you know.
It’s also April Fool’s Day.
I think those go together
As they celebrate the way
That Jesus was all dead and stuff
And then suddenly he wasn’t.
The two holidays make sense to me
Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.
What also doesn’t make much sense
Is a question of this kind:
It’s that God sacrificed himself
To appease himself I mind.
Not only that, but if it’s true
That Jesus isn’t dead
Then why not find another way
To cure one’s Godly head?
It seems if you’re omnipotent
You could just say “hey folks,
“Get your shit together”
Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.
But I am just a human
And can’t be my own son
So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs
And let His will be done.
Filed under Poems
Is This Just Uninspired Trash Or Some Sort Of Super-Roundabout-Yomama Joke Or What?
Folks sometimes yell
“Jesus Christ!” When they’re mad,
But what did Mary shout
When Jesus was bad?
I do have a theory
And, yes, it is lame
But when Jesus was bad
Mary shouted my name.
Filed under Poems
In Hindsight, Not A Guy To Cross
Jesus’s phone rang, and so he asked “who dis?”
The voice told him “my name is Judas.”
Looking back on it now
Jesus needn’t’ve said “ow”
If right then he had fled to Barbudas.
They Have Strong Legs in Mexico
I sang “dropkick me Jesus
“Through the goal posts of life.”
My Mexican gardener is very literal.
It’s caused us some strife.
Filed under Poems
The Conception of Christ
In the year of 1 B.C.
God called Gabriel.
“There’s a girl I’ve been watching, Gabe,” he said.
“In love, I fear I’ve fell.
“Gabe, I want her to have my child,”
But Gabe, he did protest.
“If all humans are your children,
Then isn’t this plan incest?”
Eventually, the angel caved,
And flew on down to Earth.
He flew into a manger,
And spoke to the woman who was to give birth.
“Nice place you have here Mary!”
He said, that April day.
“But do you ever tire of sleeping with this ass?”
Joseph arose, and shouted “Hey!”
“I’m talking about a donkey,” Gabe replied,
As he sat down on the hay-ster.
“Long story short, God want’s you pregnant.
He sent me with a turkey baster.”
“I will not let you do this, sir!”
Joseph shouted, getting mad-y.
“Don’t worry Joe,” Mary soothed.
“You can be the baby daddy!”
And nine months later, Christ was born
Inside that very manger.
If that’s not how you heard the story,
Where do you get your info, stranger?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 