A whole bunch of scores ago
Some British people got on a boat.
They came and taxed our tea, and so
The Constitution did get wrote.
The British guys thought a big red jacket
Would be the perfect camouflage.
Alas, their soldiers couldn’t hack it
And had not been trained to dodge.
And so we yankees won the war
And conquered all the Earth.
At the public school I learned this lore.
Hurray for America’s birth!
If “penultimate” means second to last,
And Pennsylvania is not as cool
As Transylvania of the past,
We have confirmed a rule:
“Pen,” the prefix, implies lesser status.
Now I, being a man with taste
Have used the pencils advertised at us
Even though that’s apparently a waste.
I think public education
Could improve the endowment of skill
If we reduced frustration
And gave our kids a cil.
Let’s make our schools the very best:
Use a #1 cil on standardized tests!
Filed under Poems
Six months since I finished college,
Four years wasted I reckon
For I can’t remember what I “learned”
And waitstaff openings beckon.
So one afternoon in protest
I went to my front door
And laid down my diploma
Right upon the mudroom floor.
That autographed piece of card stock
Was not very useful at
Getting a foot in the door,
But it makes a good DiploMat.
Filed under Poems
America’s founding fathers
Were some level 20 rogues
Playing games of protestation,
Dressed in breaches, wigs, and brogues.
They tossed their tea leaves in the bay
When the stamp act was in place,
And they kicked the redcoats’ butts
(Though the French kicked them in the face).
And so the revolution
Was a critical success,
And thanks to Washington et al
We can choose how we want to dress.
So tonight go watch some fireworks,
Pyrotechnics in the sky,
And give thanks for this nation
That educated I.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 