Tag Archives: Sports

Unfair Practice

Back when I was an athlete

In high school, I was late

To almost every practice

Which didn’t turn out great.

Coach made me do pushups,

Which would normally be fair

Except my father was the coach

And he’s the one who drove me there.

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Better Than Anything Else On TV

Honestly, the most American sport

That no one’s thought of yet

Would have to be drunk NASCAR

(Or its equivalent)

Where the racers have to drink

A bunch if whiskey sours

Until they cannot walk, and then

Turn left for several hours.

It’s a last-man-standing race

That proves, HD and live,

That it is not a good idea

For one to drink and drive,

And yet some kids will spend their lives

Trying to be a pro.

Years later, in Utopia,

We’ll ask, “Where’d the dummies go?”

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Guest Poem from Al Bundy

If marriage were like football

There would be no single men.

Every year they’d scout for wives

And draft a girl or ten

Then sign them to a contract

For a couple wondrous years

And give them shirts with numbers

And use them to sell beers.

We’d all have favorite teams of wives

Like the Ashleys or the Sophies

Who live in different cities

And try to win us trophies,

And when the best turn 40

(Or sometimes just 34)

We’d trade them off to other teams

And draft a dozen more.

If marriage were like football

Maybe life would be ok,

But instead it seems to be more like

The WNBA.

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Some People Get Paid Millions For This…

If you have a friend who is male

Here’s a game that will never get stale:

Find a sports team or three,

Guess who’ll win, disagree…

You’ll be right half the time without fail!

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If You Sell Love to Haters, Don’t Ask Why No One Is Buying

To those who make their homes beneath rocks

I offer this poetic plea

Regarding demonstrations by civilians and jocks

With the hopes you will listen to me.

Yes, it’s important all people are equals

And treated with love and respect.

Yes, there’s been push-back, misinterpretation,

But, frankly, what did you expect?

The symbols with which you display your ideals

May change some opinions for sure;

If I spit on a puppy and say “Yay world peace!”

You might doubt my intentions are pure.

Likewise if you stand for freedom and justice

By kneeling in front of a flag,

By fleeing from songs about love for our nation

Some people will think you’re a drag.

If instead when the anthem is sung by our siblings

And you stand to honor our banner

Those who disparage your reason for protest

No longer disparage its manner.

And after you’ve captured the ear of your rivals

You show them the point you want made

You swapped some derision for some indecision

And that is a valuable trade.

To those who were hateful and know are uncertain

You do not decry them as bad

But make your point clear and then disappear.

Don’t be an unskippable ad!

Don’t show what’s troublesome, worrying, scary

By showing disdain for what’s good.

Instead show you’re with us, then raise our awareness

And maybe we’ll do as we should.

And if we keep not being how you would wish us,

Disrespect you, or call you a name,

Consider the best way to make the world better

Is simply to not do the same.

I don’t ask this often, but if you agree with my perspective, please share this poem.

Share it with those who think as you do, because they’ll likely enjoy it too.

Share it with those with whom you disagree, for that is the path to the change we must see.

Share it with those who will argue and fight. You may not kill darkness, but you can shine a light.

Share it with those with whom you would be one, for we share the same air, the same earth, the same sun.

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But Hockey? There’s A Great Sport!

Soccer’s like “The Notebook:”

I’ve never watched for more than a minute,

I consider it nap-time

And don’t like anyone in it.

Soccer and I

Are also much alike

In that no one ever scores

And the entertainment it creates has unsatisfying conclusions.

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If Only His Parents Named Him Neil…

Greg is 17-foot-3,

Runs faster than the eye can see,

And more impressive than Greg’s size is

How Greg’s won four Nobel Prizes.

Greg is just 18 years old.

All Greg touches turns to gold.

Greg’s backstory’s very tragical

Which makes Greg seem even more magical.

Greg declared the other day

Greg wants to play in the NBA.

The coaches laughed ’til they soiled their pants…

Greg once said, “Cops are fine,” so Greg never stood a chance.

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SERIOUSLY?! DOST THOU KIDDETH THY LORD?!

Somewhere in Heaven

The Gods all look down

At the biggest of cities

And the tiniest town,

They watch people playin’

And workin’ and sleepin’

(It’s okay that they watch us

‘Cause Gods can’t be creepin’).

They shout for our victories,

Sob for our failings,

But one thing holds constant

For all of their wailings:

All Gods will swear

On all that is pious

That those damned referees

Are all fuckin’ biased.

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How To Choose A Favorite Sports Team

If their best player’s white

You’re not doing it right.

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Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste

There’s an argument in the USA

About soccer teams and equal pay

‘Cause men got paid more overall

Despite the women winning all the way.

The other side of this tirade

Says the male players are underpaid

Because the revenue their team produced

Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.

Now how revenue or standings weigh

On the importance scale I can’t say.

The real question is, in 2019,

Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?

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