Tepid was the water,
And I sought to make it hotter
So I could relax beneath the stars.
Thus to complete my mission
I tried nuclear fission.
In hindsight I may have gone too far.
But I warmed the lake quite well,
And the neighbors will never tell
Cause they all are radioactive and dead.
Still, my relaxing has to wait,
For it appears to be my fate
That these Mothras keep flying around my head.
Filed under Poems
I met a man in an alley,
Seven feet tall, 400 lbs.
He’d just finished his UFC event,
Winning after 19 rounds.
So sure, I look like a pussy
Compared to that guy of seven feet,
But what can I say? At the end of the day
You are what you eat.
Filed under Poems
A zombie that lived in a crypt
Read “Men’s Health” and wanted to get ripped,
So he pumped lots of iron
‘Til his cadaver was tirin’.
Too bad Hollywood passed on my script.
Filed under Poems
I came to the gym just to train,
And I tried to exercise well.
Then some guy says to me “No pain, no gain.”
I think he’ll be happy in Hell.
Filed under Poems
Believe it or not
When your Linkedin page
Features music, clarinet, and poetry
I haven’t found
That companies
Are lining up to hire me.
I’ve applied
For every kind
Of job, to no avail,
I guess it also
Doesn’t help
That I’m a caucasian male.
So if anyone
Is seeking
A candidate with some flair
I’d love to hear.
And have no fear!
I have other skills too, I swear!
You can comment
For my contact info
Or meet me face to face
By going down I-5
To the exit 255 bridge,
‘Cause for know under that is my place.
Once upon a fleeting glimpse
Lived an airplane who loved all blimps,
But when she touched them they would pop
Because she struck them with her prop(ellor).
But plane Jane did not despair.
She kept on searching through the air.
She found true love just like she said
With a zeppelin made of lead.
Filed under Poems
Have you heard the tale of Charles the Bolde,
Who sought to slay the dragon of olde?
He stood his ground, refused to run.
Too bad for him the dragon won.
Ugh! A bug!
I gave it a hug
From my heavy-duty, carbon-fiber swatter.
Another is spied,
And I can’t conceal my pride
‘Cause my darling saw the second bug and shot ‘er.
Filed under Poems
It started as an earlobe,
Lonely and aware
That it would be much more complete
If it could make a pair,
And so it looked and listened
And so grew its ears and eyes,
And it found a brain, a face, and hair
That to its side it did bind.
And soon the first lobe found a second
And a head the two became.
They thought they’d met their goals,
Yet they still felt kind of lame,
And so the head sought out a body,
And the body sought out limbs
And soon the lobes could walk around,
And searched the world for hims.
Sure enough they found him:
Another lobe-turned-body,
And the lobe pair fell in love
‘Cause the he-lobe was a hotty.
And the bodies mixed and matched
And made a smaller version
Of themselves, and out it pushed,
Desiring an excursion.
And so was born a child
And the lobe became a mother.
The first kid was a sister
And the second was a brother.
And that is how a family
In my mind has been portrayed.
I love you mom, but seriously,
How was I really made?
Filed under Poems
I slept too little
All through the week,
And a healthy 10 hours
Of sleep did I seek,
But I stayed up until midnight
And the sun rose at eight.
Someday I’ll get my 10 hours,
But for now it must wait.
Filed under Poems
