Crouching leopard lies in wait.
As the antelope walks by
He flexes his feline muscles
And from his roost does fly.
Alas, he missed the antelope,
An error sufficiently hideous,
And his face hit a tree.
Antelope pinned him for three.
It was submitted to Botswana’s Funniest Videous.
Filed under Poems
“Save us! Save us!”
The commoners cry,
But who can save them?
It is I!
I fly in to the rescue
Whatever the hour.
I’m Powerhouse William,
But you can call me Will Power.
I give you the strength
To deny temptation,
But my power is subject
To a few limitations.
I do not work evenings
Or when chocolate is involved.
Other than that, just call me
And your problem is solved.
Filed under Poems
NBC and TNT,
CBS and ABC,
History, ESPN
Discovery and CNN.
All these channels
And hundreds more
All striving not
To be a bore.
Yet of all the options
There are but two shows to see:
“I wish I were them”
And “I’m glad that’s not me.”
Filed under Poems
How big are bigfoot’s children’s feet?
How sassy are their quatches?
We imagine so, yet I don’t know,
So we’ve set up neighborhood watches.
Filed under Poems
Breaking up is hard for me,
Requiring courage and stuff.
It calls the waves of an emotional sea
And the embrace of blanket fluff.
I hate to say it, and I’ve told you why
Breaking up is hard to do.
That’s why I’ve decided not to break it off.
Instead, I’m just going to shoot you.
Filed under Poems
Some sports
Are played on courts
Others on fields or rinks.
Some play on pitches,
But I won’t rhyme with that.
(The reason is obvious, methinks).
Some balls are small
And don’t bounce at all
Others are not even spherical.
Some play with pucks,
‘Specially those Canucks.
This stuff’s proven, widely known, and empirical.
When you win, it’s a joy,
Perhaps more if you’re a boy,
But that debate’s for another occasion.
So yippee for sports
And those athletic sorts.
As for me, I’ll just solve this equation.
Filed under Poems
The sun shines yellow
Through the fluffy white clouds
That linger in a sky so blue.
I think it would
Be simpler if
It was all just green, don’t you?
Filed under Poems
A groan is fitting for a bad joke,
A sidelong glance for annoyances,
A yell or shout for problems grand,
A balloon pop for failed buoyances.
To the variety sure is great, y’all,
But I prefer it when one’s sighs fits all.
Filed under Poems
I am an exotic dancer,
And yes, I am a man.
I make money at bachelorette parties
And drive an army cargo van.
Chicks like a man in uniform
So when I see the bachelorette cutie
I give a salute and slap my patoot
And say “Major Turnon, reporting for booty.”
Filed under Poems
I hunted for the Red October
But only found the blue.
I know it ‘s only second best,
But I brought it here for you.
I left it on your doorstep
‘Cause it seemed a reasonable spot.
Too bad your boat was so tiny,
But hey, you can buy another yacht.
I just want to see you smile
And hug you with all eight arms.
I’ll try to be oh-so-gentle,
But sometime I do harms.
I love you sailor, yes I do.
Can’t you love this kraken too?
Filed under Poems
