Tag Archives: Epic

Unsung

Amid a thousand oceans

Each a million miles wide,

In a world of fire and darkness

Wherein countless billions died,

A world of steel and angels

Where dragons fill the sky

There lives alone amidst the trees

One totally normal guy.

And as the forests rise into

The universe above

And about him rages endless war,

Between hatred and love,

Surrounded by heroic few

Defenders of what’s right

He lies back on his sofa bed

And tells himself “Good night.”

Saints are slain and martyrs made,

The underworld calls those

Whom destiny has newly bade

To be those whom death chose

Mountains crumble feebly

And utopias collide

And that single lonely sofa man

Just mumbles, “Hey, I tried.”

And though he never earned a place

Among the Gods or Lords of Deep

He ate a balanced diet

And always got a good night’s sleep.

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The Lord Of The Rings

A while ago

There was a guy

Who dreamed of being

A fiery eye.

We don’t know why

He felt the need,

But we know that

He did succeed.

The problem with

Old fire-eye’s plot

Is that what he wanted

Others did not,

And so he hid

His power away

So after his death

He’d still be okay.

He put that power

In a magical ring

That got stolen by

A greedy king,

And that repeated

Several times

Through fire and snow

And temperate climes.

Then one day

Some fishing midgets

Found that ring

And asked “what ij it?”

One said “mine!”

The other said “no!”

And so the midgets

Came to blows.

The winning midget

Became a beast

Who hid in a cave

Eating Fancy Feast

Until more midgets

Came along,

Stole the ring,

And sang a song.

A few years later

There was peace

And the ring’s new owner’s

Male niece

Got the ring

As a birthday gift,

Met some elves,

And got a lift

To Rivendell

Where it was decided

Fire-eye’s ego

Had the land divided

And that the only

Thing to do

Was to break the ring

Of you-know-who.

The elves said that

The ring must be laid

In the Mordorian lava

In which it was made.

The dwarf said

“That’s a lot of work,”

Hit the ring with his axe

And looked like a jerk.

So midgets and co.

Went on a quest,

They got betrayed

And left the rest,

Wandered alone

To the volcano of doom

Where the trolls and orcs

Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”

While they did

The men, dwarves, and elves

Fought three hours of orc wars

All by themselves,

Had a romantic subplot

With the long-lost human heir

And the elven princess

With the CGI hair.

By now midgets passed fire-eye’s

Most fiery gazes

Then the ring-bearing midget

Had just one of his dazes,

Turned to his friend,

Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”

Then dumbass lost his finger

And it all turned out fine.

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RPGs Were His Life…Literally 

As the lightning cracked in the purple sky

And the cameras panned over my birth

My parents knew I was the guy

Who’d be destined to save the Earth.

So I was raised in the classic way
Of being a normal happy kid

Until, inevitably, bandits razed my town

Which, as expected, they inevitably did.

And so from the ashes a guardian rose

And took me to a school of hard knocks

Where I learned to be destiny’s hero

By killing rats with sticks and rocks.

And after cutscenes which showed me grow
I left the school to see the land.

My life’s tutorial now finished

My destiny could proceed as planned.

I started out slaying vermin,

Albeit on a grander scale.

I found gold left unclaimed on the ground

And used it to buy weapons and mail.

I learned to cast spells and fire a bow,

Though I never really did

Because the way to do so was complicated

And my life was controlled by a kid.

Eventually I was betrayed

And someone who I thought had died

Turned out to be the major villain

Who led the guys on the other side.

What should have been climactic

Turned quickly to a rout

Because somewhere I read a walkthrough

And I did what it talked about.

And so the banners fly again

And peasants chant my name.

I’m made the king of everything

But otherwise life’s the same.

My normal life took fifteen hours

Before I was the love of every bard,

But now my achievements dissapear

As fate clicks “new game, difficulty: hard.”

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The Quest For Common Sense (And A Wonderful Resource For Those Who Fail It)

I tell this tale and sing this song;

‘Tis neither short nor over long.

It is the tale of whom I met

When towards the darkness off I set.

I ventured to a fright’ning spot,

All at one both cold and hot,

And in its center stood the tree

Of personal responsibility.

And beneath that mighty central birch

I met a figure on its perch,

A lovely human, clean and bright

Yet I stood only half its height.

It spoke to me with radiant voice:

“To you I grant this single choice:

“To leave my grove, still safe and dense

“Or to eat the fruit of common sense.”

I looked again at the dreadful tree

From which grew apples, light and free

And with the hymns of wisdom fair

Filled joyfully the grove’s clean air.

And then I looked beyond the wood

To whence I came. Alas, still stood

Where man and beast were much the same,

Obsessed with power, sex, and fame.

To the glorious figure I did ask

What treachery hid within my task,

What fear and pain accompanied

The fruit of logic and its seed.

“No pain at all,” the figure said

Extending apples, smooth and red.

I knew not what was wrong nor right

But I grabbed the fruit and took a bite.

No longer was the forest bleak.

I couldn’t hide. I needn’t speak.

Where once the darkness clutched my heart

I only saw the world’s true art.

Where once I begged, now I produced.

Where once I guessed, now I deduced.

Where once had stood the figure bright

Now stood a mirror to my sight.

And yet the place from which I came

Sat glumly, still the very same.

I stood in brightness, stared at black,

And knew I never would go back.

So if you wander, wondering

Why you’re not pleased with your new thing,

Why your whole life seems second best

I summon you to join my quest,

To seek out forests rank with fear,

And from them soon there will appear

The brighter, lighter, clearer you

That knows and does what’s right and true,

Who looks at worlds of smog and spite,

Yet does his best and smiles despite.

Eat the fruit and so commence

Your brand new life with common sense!

But if back home you would return,

If common sense you seek to spurn,

If you treat dumbness with aplomb

You’ll find your kin at Facebook.com

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Samson and Dalila

Samson’s hairs were much like twines
As the strong man fought the Philistines.
His dreads inspired lots of fear
(From the smell, just to be clear).

Then he met a Philly girl
Whose hair, like his, was fun to twirl.
They went to Alaska to be married,
A long walk yes, but they never tarried.

As they were wed ‘neath the lights boreal
Dalila was plotting with L’oreal
For if Samson was “worth it,” so might it be
That the war could end sweet and silkily.

And at the igloo’s honeymoon suite
Samson had begun to eat
While Dalila washed his long dark hair,
Both wife and husband unaware
That instead of fancy shampoo, there
Was a mislabeled bottle containing Nair.

With Samson bald, Dalila wept
As from the icy floor she swept
The locks which brought both strength and love
Which had been granted from above.

And so Samson fell from grace,
His head now bald, but not his face.
Dalila wanted to comfort him so,
And said “darling, I think the beard should go.”

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A Forgotten Epic

Have you heard the tale of Charles the Bolde,
Who sought to slay the dragon of olde?
He stood his ground, refused to run.
Too bad for him the dragon won.

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