I was a pirate cap’n
A’sail upon the sea
And I’d laugh at the other ships
When they would try to flee.
I’d sail up behind ’em
And though they might protest
I’d grab ’em by the booty
At my cap’nly behest!
When your captain is a man
“Land ho!” is often said.
When your captain isn’t
They shout “Land, hoe!” Instead.
When I became a captain
I quit being a virgin
Thanks to an encounter
That I had with a sturgeon!
I’ve noticed as of late
Fortune seems to elude me,
Like the time I struck a match
And the match just up and sued me!
I said “Dad, go long!”
He was twenty yards away
When I lit the fuse…
God made wood flammable
Some time after day seven.
He made it burn with chemicals;
‘Twas a match made in Heaven.
I found a pet I like to rub.
I brought it home and named it club.
Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel
After they learn my pet’s a seal.
I wanted to buy a unique pet
Like a hedgehog from the store.
I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.
“The boys have one spike more.”
The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!
“Grab a rifle and go get her!”
I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;
“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”
I told my friend “good morning”
And they just said “morning” back
Which makes me wonder what I did
To deserve that sort of attack.
He said “My pronoun’s potato
“Instead of he, him, and his.”
I mumbled “What isn’t a pronoun”
And he shouted “Yes, what is!”
I ate dessert for breakfast
Though I don’t know how or why;
I made some scrambled eggs
But they identified as pie.