Tag Archives: Multipost

Manly Sea Captain Poems

I was a pirate cap’n

A’sail upon the sea

And I’d laugh at the other ships

When they would try to flee.

I’d sail up behind ’em

And though they might protest

I’d grab ’em by the booty

At my cap’nly behest!

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When your captain is a man

“Land ho!” is often said.

When your captain isn’t

They shout “Land, hoe!” Instead.

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When I became a captain

I quit being a virgin

Thanks to an encounter

That I had with a sturgeon!

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Playing With Fire

I’ve noticed as of late

Fortune seems to elude me,

Like the time I struck a match

And the match just up and sued me!

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I said “Dad, go long!”

He was twenty yards away

When I lit the fuse…

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God made wood flammable

Some time after day seven.

He made it burn with chemicals;

‘Twas a match made in Heaven.

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Weird Pets and the Poet That Jokes About Them

I found a pet I like to rub.

I brought it home and named it club.

Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel

After they learn my pet’s a seal.

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I wanted to buy a unique pet

Like a hedgehog from the store.

I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.

“The boys have one spike more.”

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The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!

“Grab a rifle and go get her!”

I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;

“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”

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Microaggressions

I told my friend “good morning”

And they just said “morning” back

Which makes me wonder what I did

To deserve that sort of attack.

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He said “My pronoun’s potato

“Instead of he, him, and his.”

I mumbled “What isn’t a pronoun”

And he shouted “Yes, what is!”

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I ate dessert for breakfast

Though I don’t know how or why;

I made some scrambled eggs

But they identified as pie.

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