I used to own a bar
Until the choir came to town.
They’d had an iffy concert
And they had sorrows to drown.
So they said, “How ’bout a beer?”
And from the wall I took one down.
I gave it to a tenor
Who then passed it aroun’.
And so this was repeated
For nearly a hundred bottles
With the choir singing all throughout,
Their dance reduced to tottles.
And then they left. My walls were bare.
My alcohol was gone.
But the thing I’ll never ever forget
Was that god-forsaken song.
Filed under Poems
I am a designated hitter,
But I find my batting’s better
Than when I was avoiding butter
Trying to earn a varsity letter.
So perhaps this serves to show us
Maybe butter betters batting
And that chugging before slugging
Has effects besides the fatting,
But butter-bettered batting
Causes blatantly bungled bunting.
Perhaps my solution
Requires a bit of better hunting.
Filed under Poems
Go away sunshine.
I ain’t in the mood.
Leave me alone.
Just let me brood.
Go away sunshine
Like my Polly’s gone.
She had many good sides,
But whose side was she on?
Go away sunshine.
I know she’s a snacker,
But who could predict
How she wanted that cracker?
Go away sunshine.
Let me sit in this cage,
And share with passerby
My avian rage.
Filed under Poems
There are poems about love and nature
And poems about the nature of love.
There are poems about ravens and monsters
And a fancy silk elbow-length glove.
There are ballads about heroes and traitors
And songs about peasants and kings.
Yet sometimes one wants to hear ballads
About boring and everyday things.
And thus I composed such an epic
Of the trite, average, and bourgeois.
I sent it to publishers many
But I haven’t heard back so fa’.
So wish me luck that my venture
Into the world of cliche,
And should my venture fail, perhaps
You’ll read my work in “USA Today.”
Filed under Poems
Puppies and sunsets,
Music and books,
Women who give me
Those “come hither” looks.
Orange juice and blue whales
Letters that rhyme with “E.”
Those are a few of my favorite things.
Too bad the Von Trapps don’t agree.
Filed under Poems
It was a heavy wait,
A pregnant pause,
As I thought of what to say.
From the force of the blow
I knew I was wrong,
But her butt did look fat in a way.
Filed under Poems
My writer’s nerve is blocked.
My sinuses are too.
Please accept this micro-poem
And this picture of R2.
Filed under Poems
I am a Princess on the run,
But not for parties and frivolous fun.
I fled for my life, ’cause here’s the thing:
I’m the daughter of the Burger King.
I loved my Mom* and trusted Daddy
Until the took my hand-heifer, Patty.
They tied her up and milked her dry,
And then I watched poor Patty die.
Every day my legs grow faster
As I run to greener pasture.
Seeking something to make life full,
Even if that’s all just bull.
*The Dairy Queen, of course.
Filed under Poems
I started out with aspirin
To dull some of the pain,
Then NyQuil, DayQuil, and vitamin C
To make the sickness wane.
Then I tried garlic, cloves and sage,
Parsley, rosemary, and thyme.
I danced in the rain and howled
And put coconut into my lime.
At the start of the fifth day
A unicorn brought me viagra
And a bottle of water that, I was told,
Came straight from the falls of Niagara.
I hope I feel much better.
I deserve it, Heaven knows.
On the other hand, if I should die
I’ll never decompose.
(Thanks for bearing with me through all of the sickness poems. I want them to stop just as much as you).
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
