My roommate eats six jars of peanut butter a month.
His girlfriend does not know what Koolaid is.
I now have proof of how low standards can get
And also of how low the rent I paid is.
Tag Archives: Roommates
Sharing Is Caring
If your roommates are loud
And you want them to hush
Just say “Hey roomie,
“Where’d you put our toothbrush?”
Filed under Poems
Just Because I Can’t Take It With Me Doesn’t Justify Your Shenanigans, Kevin!
If I were to die tomorrow
And my body just rotted away
And I lived as a ghost
With no body for a host
Even though I never got all old and gray
I would be irked. That’s certain.
But I think that as I crossed the bridge
From Earth to Hell or Heaven
I’d think of my roommate Kevin
And hope he wouldn’t steal my food out of the fridge.
Filed under Poems
My Bathroom Enemy
(This one’s for anyone who’s lives in a five bedroom, one bath house).
It’s seven fifty-five
And I work at eight.
He’s the only reason
That I’m always late.
He used up the hot water
But he doesn’t care.
He gets back in the shower.
He forgot to wash his hair.
My bathroom nemesis
Taking his daily bowel exodus!
He thinks that it’s his destiny
To be the only one to pee!
My bathroom enemy.
One I day got the flu.
I was puking for days,
I couldn’t use the bathroom
‘Cause of what’s-his-face.
At midnight I snuck in
To go number two.
We’re out of toilet paper.
Oh yeah! Guess who?
My bathroom adversary
Taking longer than necessary.
He thinks that it’s his destiny
To be the only one to pee.
My bathroom enemy!
I haven’t bathed in eighteen days.
I just can’t get around this guy.
I’ve has enough. I’ll show him
A brand new bathroom in the sky!
And when he’s dead
We’ll think we’re saved,
But the corpse will miss the burial
‘Cause he still hasn’t shaved!
My bathroom supervillain,
On the procelain throne, just chillin’.
Turns out it’s not his destiny
To be the only one to pee.
The other roommates worship me
‘Cause I killed my bathroom enemy!
Filed under Poems
Why Is The Seat Still Damp?
Have you heard of zen archery,
Where you shoot straight and narrow
By using all your strength of will
Until you become the arrow?
I used that logic on my roommate
And got him really pissed.
Alas, he’s no zen archer
‘Cause somehow he still missed.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 