Did you feel that on your head,
In the shower and your bed,
On the ceilings and the wall,
Skittering at the start of Fall?
Did you feel those hairy feet
And venomous mandibles that eat
The other monstrous hairy things
That fly about on silver wings?
Did you see the spiders skitter,
There oh-so-many eyes a glitter?
I saw one last night in town
Which is why I burned the city down.
Filed under Poems
When someone says “When was your last shower”
And you honestly can’t remember
That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”
I call it “September”.
Filed under Poems
“Anybody want some peas?”
Everyone said yes.
“Anyone want pewps?”
Perhaps next year, I guess…
Filed under Poems
The sun is hot and bright today
And shared with me a warming ray
That made my pale indoor body
Turn pink and gold and very gaudy.
No matter how it made me feel
In a week that flesh will puff and peel
And I can throw the flesh that peels
At passerby. How good it feels!
Filed under Poems
Beds are safe and soft and warm
And in them you won’t come to harm.
But when you wake to pee at night
Then be harmed you may well might.
That’s why when you have to pee
Don’t get up for the W.C.
Your mattress was absorbantly designed
And I promise mom and dad won’t mind!
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Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
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Somebody somewhere said “Sometime
“We should make a drink that tastes
“Like a combination of radio static
“And a big bin of nuclear wastes.”
Somebody nearby said “Sounds good,
“But I’m afraid I have bad news:
“Someone has already created that product.
“It’s called sparkling grapefruit juice.”
Filed under Poems
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
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Roses are red,
My car’s a two-seater.
Everything’s a piñata
If you’re not a picky eater.
Filed under Poems
First they made potatoes,
Then they made potato chips
Which were the same but thinner
And were prone to chap one’s lips.
Then they thought, “What if we
“Made these taste like spoiled fruit?”
Thus born was “Salt and Vinegar,”
And thus rose the chip’s repute.
“That went well,” the people said
And so they made new flavors
Like “Sour Cream and Onion”
And “Tasteless” (For the savers).
They made the chips organic,
They made them hot and cold,
They covered them in who-knows-what,
And still, somehow, they sold,
But you now dare to tell me
That my product is a waste?
Who wouldn’t want to purchase chips
Called “Orange Juice and Toothpaste?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 