Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.
Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.
I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out
But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.
Tag Archives: Gross
Yes, It Was A Number 2
I never knew what would happen
If you stabbed wood and graphite
On the end of a fork-like utensil,
So I did it and swallowed.
I was shocked by what followed:
The next day I pooped out a pencil!
Filed under Poems
Spiders
Did you feel that on your head,
In the shower and your bed,
On the ceilings and the wall,
Skittering at the start of Fall?
Did you feel those hairy feet
And venomous mandibles that eat
The other monstrous hairy things
That fly about on silver wings?
Did you see the spiders skitter,
There oh-so-many eyes a glitter?
I saw one last night in town
Which is why I burned the city down.
Filed under Poems
Guess What I’m Doing After Writing This?
When someone says “When was your last shower”
And you honestly can’t remember
That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”
I call it “September”.
Filed under Poems
Why Some Plants Go Extinct
“Anybody want some peas?”
Everyone said yes.
“Anyone want pewps?”
Perhaps next year, I guess…
Filed under Poems
I Was Going To Have A Punchline About Skin Cancer, But This Might Be Even Worse
The sun is hot and bright today
And shared with me a warming ray
That made my pale indoor body
Turn pink and gold and very gaudy.
No matter how it made me feel
In a week that flesh will puff and peel
And I can throw the flesh that peels
At passerby. How good it feels!
Filed under Poems
The Real Monster Is The Underpaid Babysitter Who Reads This Poem To Your Kids Before Bed
Beds are safe and soft and warm
And in them you won’t come to harm.
But when you wake to pee at night
Then be harmed you may well might.
That’s why when you have to pee
Don’t get up for the W.C.
Your mattress was absorbantly designed
And I promise mom and dad won’t mind!
Filed under Poems
Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland
Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
Filed under Poems
An Essential Part of a Healthy Diet
Somebody somewhere said “Sometime
“We should make a drink that tastes
“Like a combination of radio static
“And a big bin of nuclear wastes.”
Somebody nearby said “Sounds good,
“But I’m afraid I have bad news:
“Someone has already created that product.
“It’s called sparkling grapefruit juice.”
Filed under Poems
Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 