Tag Archives: Gross

Spiders

Did you feel that on your head,

In the shower and your bed,

On the ceilings and the wall,

Skittering at the start of Fall?

Did you feel those hairy feet

And venomous mandibles that eat

The other monstrous hairy things

That fly about on silver wings?

Did you see the spiders skitter,

There oh-so-many eyes a glitter?

I saw one last night in town

Which is why I burned the city down.

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Guess What I’m Doing After Writing This?

When someone says “When was your last shower”

And you honestly can’t remember

That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”

I call it “September”.

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Why Some Plants Go Extinct

“Anybody want some peas?”

Everyone said yes.

“Anyone want pewps?”

Perhaps next year, I guess…

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I Was Going To Have A Punchline About Skin Cancer, But This Might Be Even Worse

The sun is hot and bright today

And shared with me a warming ray

That made my pale indoor body

Turn pink and gold and very gaudy.

No matter how it made me feel

In a week that flesh will puff and peel

And I can throw the flesh that peels

At passerby. How good it feels!

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The Real Monster Is The Underpaid Babysitter Who Reads This Poem To Your Kids Before Bed

Beds are safe and soft and warm

And in them you won’t come to harm.

But when you wake to pee at night

Then be harmed you may well might.

That’s why when you have to pee

Don’t get up for the W.C.

Your mattress was absorbantly designed

And I promise mom and dad won’t mind!

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Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland

Everything was going well

Until I ate that Taco Bell…

For one glorious ride I was a fountain

In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.

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An Essential Part of a Healthy Diet

Somebody somewhere said “Sometime

“We should make a drink that tastes

“Like a combination of radio static

“And a big bin of nuclear wastes.”

Somebody nearby said “Sounds good,

“But I’m afraid I have bad news:

“Someone has already created that product.

“It’s called sparkling grapefruit juice.”

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Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed

Ladies: I am five-foot-two,

Bald, and overweight

With a salary four figures long

And a commemorative bowling plate.

Now sure, I know you’re thinking

“Does he know how bad that sounds?”

Well… if they circumcised me

I would lose 100 pounds…

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Random Thought of the Day

Roses are red,

My car’s a two-seater.

Everything’s a piñata

If you’re not a picky eater.

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Think About The Bulimic Market Though!

First they made potatoes,

Then they made potato chips

Which were the same but thinner

And were prone to chap one’s lips.

Then they thought, “What if we

“Made these taste like spoiled fruit?”

Thus born was “Salt and Vinegar,”

And thus rose the chip’s repute.

“That went well,” the people said

And so they made new flavors

Like “Sour Cream and Onion”

And “Tasteless” (For the savers).

They made the chips organic,

They made them hot and cold,

They covered them in who-knows-what,

And still, somehow, they sold,

But you now dare to tell me

That my product is a waste?

Who wouldn’t want to purchase chips

Called “Orange Juice and Toothpaste?”

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