Somebody somewhere said “Sometime
“We should make a drink that tastes
“Like a combination of radio static
“And a big bin of nuclear wastes.”
Somebody nearby said “Sounds good,
“But I’m afraid I have bad news:
“Someone has already created that product.
“It’s called sparkling grapefruit juice.”
Filed under Poems
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
Filed under Poems
Roses are red,
My car’s a two-seater.
Everything’s a piñata
If you’re not a picky eater.
Filed under Poems
First they made potatoes,
Then they made potato chips
Which were the same but thinner
And were prone to chap one’s lips.
Then they thought, “What if we
“Made these taste like spoiled fruit?”
Thus born was “Salt and Vinegar,”
And thus rose the chip’s repute.
“That went well,” the people said
And so they made new flavors
Like “Sour Cream and Onion”
And “Tasteless” (For the savers).
They made the chips organic,
They made them hot and cold,
They covered them in who-knows-what,
And still, somehow, they sold,
But you now dare to tell me
That my product is a waste?
Who wouldn’t want to purchase chips
Called “Orange Juice and Toothpaste?”
Filed under Poems
I have trouble sleeping now
Because I had a dream
Involving my first cousin
And a gallon of whipped cream.
If you don’t think that’s creepy
Here’s the cherry on the top:
I live in Mississippi
So my cousin is my pop.
Filed under Poems
If you tell me to take care of
A monster with eight eyes
I hope you won’t be unhappy
When it inevitably dies.
Filed under Poems
She said “My name is Margaret.”
He said “My name is Jake,
“And may I say, dear sister,
“You smell different when you’re awake.”
Filed under Poems
I got a letter from a woman:
“I’m not pretty,” she wrote.
I wrote back “That’s okay.
“I once f***ed a goat.”*
Believe it or not
She never wrote back.
It seems my sage wisdom
Got her self-esteem back on track!
*Not a literal goat, you pervert! That’s just what we call my cousin.
Filed under Poems
He showed us how to circumcise a redneck
In a way that none of us had done foresaw:
He found aforementioned redneck in his bedroom
Then kicked the redneck’s cousin in the jaw!
Filed under Poems
I asked the waitress for tofu.
I thought that she was cute
Until she brought me a dildo
And said “Here’s your meat substitute.”
Filed under Poems
