Tag Archives: Gross

Butt Why?

If you think your job is bad

I think I’ve got you bested:

Today I read on a rectal thermometer

“Each unit individually tested.”

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Plus Now The Taxidermist Has An Amazing Story!

Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.

Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.

I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out

But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.

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Yes, It Was A Number 2

I never knew what would happen

If you stabbed wood and graphite

On the end of a fork-like utensil,

So I did it and swallowed.

I was shocked by what followed:

The next day I pooped out a pencil!

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Did you feel that on your head,

In the shower and your bed,

On the ceilings and the wall,

Skittering at the start of Fall?

Did you feel those hairy feet

And venomous mandibles that eat

The other monstrous hairy things

That fly about on silver wings?

Did you see the spiders skitter,

There oh-so-many eyes a glitter?

I saw one last night in town

Which is why I burned the city down.

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Guess What I’m Doing After Writing This?

When someone says “When was your last shower”

And you honestly can’t remember

That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”

I call it “September”.

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Why Some Plants Go Extinct

“Anybody want some peas?”

Everyone said yes.

“Anyone want pewps?”

Perhaps next year, I guess…

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I Was Going To Have A Punchline About Skin Cancer, But This Might Be Even Worse

The sun is hot and bright today

And shared with me a warming ray

That made my pale indoor body

Turn pink and gold and very gaudy.

No matter how it made me feel

In a week that flesh will puff and peel

And I can throw the flesh that peels

At passerby. How good it feels!

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The Real Monster Is The Underpaid Babysitter Who Reads This Poem To Your Kids Before Bed

Beds are safe and soft and warm

And in them you won’t come to harm.

But when you wake to pee at night

Then be harmed you may well might.

That’s why when you have to pee

Don’t get up for the W.C.

Your mattress was absorbantly designed

And I promise mom and dad won’t mind!

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Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland

Everything was going well

Until I ate that Taco Bell…

For one glorious ride I was a fountain

In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.

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An Essential Part of a Healthy Diet

Somebody somewhere said “Sometime

“We should make a drink that tastes

“Like a combination of radio static

“And a big bin of nuclear wastes.”

Somebody nearby said “Sounds good,

“But I’m afraid I have bad news:

“Someone has already created that product.

“It’s called sparkling grapefruit juice.”

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