Tag Archives: Death

This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you no longer exist

You will not be scared or sad

Annoyed, confused, or pissed;

You will not suffer any pain

Or shed a single tear,

No longer prone to earthly woes,

‘Cause you’re no longer here!

If you cease to be a thing

Nothing will cause you harm.

You won’t regret the time you wasted

On your Facebook farm.

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you’re absent from the dawn

You won’t mind when the whole world sings

“Thank God he’s finally gone!”

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Transparency Matters

A ghost arrived in the afterlife

Having committed suicide.

The other ghosts surrounded him. “Oh dear!

“Why did you end your life like that?“

The new ghost said “Communication!

“The truth is I just wanted to be clear.”

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Saving At The Pump

I met a lady buying gas

Who said her name was Penny.

There were ladies prettier,

But surely not too many.

As she was about to finish

Putting gas into her car

I saw her pull a lighter out

To ignite a cigar.

I rushed over and tackled her

Before the fire could start.

I explained why such a plan

Was neither safe nor smart.

I wish I could say that she

Would one day be my wife

Because I had wits quick enough

To save my Penny’s life…

But alas, the very next day

I wasn’t there, and she burned.

At least her cremation was free;

A Penny saved, a Penny urned.

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Male Black Widow Problems

Today is Friday night.

I’m with my darling wife.

We’re gonna have some crazy sex

‘Cause I am done with life.

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No Problem Officer… I Handled It

There once was a spider in my room

That met a most violent doom.

Other spiders said “Yahoo!

“Let’s all go there too!”

And that’s why my shotgun went boom.

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Why Ghosts Are Angry

Greg had no reason to live anymore

So he bought a rope and locked the door

And made a new necklace he tied to the roof

And fell to his death without uttering “oof.”

He opened his eyes and he looked all around

And saw his cadaver and angrily frowned;

Yes, he succeeded in becoming dead

But now he’s a ghost, and immortal instead.

Worse, now the tourists come hither and yon

For signs of the ghost of Greg, who is gone.

He’ll wail and shriek and pray for some help

But the tourists just cheer and write “Five stars” on Yelp.

If its deserved or not, no one can tell

But Greg lives forever in introvert Hell.

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Remembering Amy

It doesn’t feel like a weight

But absence of a lightness;

Hours of Summer all around

And still the day lacks brightness.

A patch of graying sunlight shines

Where once there sat a friend;

I smile at it with broken lips,

And think about her end.

Scratches on the furniture

Once hidden I reveal;

I empty out the litterbox

And her uneaten meal.

I stand beside her scratching post

Without the words to say

The thanks, the pain, the memories,

And so instead I pray.

It doesn’t feel like relief

When I can breathe once more;

It isn’t warm when sunlight gray

Turns orange just like before.

But as a friend who made me smile

Returns to dust again

Her spirit naps within me

As it always has. Amen.

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Preservation of Mass

You were the light of their life,

A celestial body just for them,

But there were a billion stars

Brighter than you.

Your heart was a mountain,

Climbing to the sky,

But roads need gravel

And miners need jobs.

You were the wind and the water,

The rabbit and the fox,

The fish and the hook

And you fed them for a day.

Stars burn out,

Roads are passed by,

Winds stop blowing,

Foxes stop chasing,

And when its dark and still

And you forget what you were,

How you burned and grew

And bit and blew,

You’ll become a part of the world

You thought you were above;

A spark, a stone, a cell, a drop,

What you always were

And always did:

Matter.

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So Many Despots Just Picked The Wrong Demographic…

If you want to have world peace

And have all wars be ended

All you need to do is kill

The folks who get offended

Because if no one ever

Is upset by what gets said

No one will think, “That’s mean

“And so let’s make that person dead.”

Instead the only people

Still alive can speak their mind

And no one says “Let’s murder them

“‘Cause they mocked my behind.”

We’d live in perfect harmony

In lands of dance and song,

And if such genocide offends you

Then I dare you: Prove me wrong.

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Then I Gave Death the “Come Hither” Look…

Whenever death may lurk nearby

And threaten you with pain

Know that if the threat is true

You’ll never watch a debate again…

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