Tag Archives: Death

Don’t Piss Off A Nurse

If one’s life relies upon

The lungs of an automaton

Prudence dictates to be couth

With the medical attendant youth.

Everything can be made worse

When dealing with a jilted nurse

So to those on life support:

Life’s long unless your temper’s short.

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Texas Nursery Rhymes

The itsy-bitsy spider

Climbed up the water spout.

Down came the fist!

It’s guts went spilling out.

Out came the kleenex

To wipe the guts away

And the not-so-puny human

Just went on with his day.

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Harps Aren’t Free, You Know!

I awake from endless slumber

Beside a river I don’t know

Where a luminous boat is waiting

For one willing to row.

We pass through crystal mountains

And forests made of glass

While the water sings serenely

As through it my oars pass.

I see the Lord of Heaven

And His splendor makes me whole.

Then I watch a 30-second ad

For the brand new Kia Soul.

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Ye Olde Goode Advice

If at first you don’t succeed

Run away with all due speed

For though thine courage shan’t be praised

From the dead thou needn’t be raised.

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Elton John Meets Dumbo

I’ve always been an ally

To animals and butterflies,

So I wanted to play piano

For the beasts. Never did I surmise

That tickling the ivories

Would, in fact, lead to my demise.

I thought it would be cute,

But the elephant thought otherwise.

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My (So Far) Unpublished Picture Book

Bobby was an antelope

That lived out on the plains.

He had a happy smile

To conceal his inner pains

‘Cause though he was an antelope

What Bobby always sought

Was to turn into a camel.

Eventually that’s what he got.

Bobby’s story is inspiring

A lot like Forrest Gump.

He was a horny animal

Who just wanted a hump.

He had a little surgery

And moved to the Sahara.

To his family he said “bye”

And, to his troubles, “sayonara.”

But it turns out as a camel

Bobby suffered from great thirst.

Before he made his change

He should have thought about it first!

So Bobby died alone

Among the cacti and the sand.

He got exactly what he wanted

But it wasn’t what he’d planned.

Bobby didn’t go to heaven,

Nor to limbo or to hell

Because there is no afterlife

For our heroic trans-camel.

So if you really want something

A little or a lot

Use Bobby’s tale of woe

To eliminate that thought!

🐮🐪😁🌵☠️💡💔

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Death Metal Groupies

Just because your singing voice

Sounds like Jabba the Hutt

Imitating Bryan Adams

Gargling a cigarette butt

Run in slow-motion backwards

Mixed with satanic chants

And is voted less favorably

Than being bitten by ants

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to

Get into your pants.

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