Tag Archives: Death

Ye Olde Goode Advice

If at first you don’t succeed

Run away with all due speed

For though thine courage shan’t be praised

From the dead thou needn’t be raised.

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Elton John Meets Dumbo

I’ve always been an ally

To animals and butterflies,

So I wanted to play piano

For the beasts. Never did I surmise

That tickling the ivories

Would, in fact, lead to my demise.

I thought it would be cute,

But the elephant thought otherwise.

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My (So Far) Unpublished Picture Book

Bobby was an antelope

That lived out on the plains.

He had a happy smile

To conceal his inner pains

‘Cause though he was an antelope

What Bobby always sought

Was to turn into a camel.

Eventually that’s what he got.

Bobby’s story is inspiring

A lot like Forrest Gump.

He was a horny animal

Who just wanted a hump.

He had a little surgery

And moved to the Sahara.

To his family he said “bye”

And, to his troubles, “sayonara.”

But it turns out as a camel

Bobby suffered from great thirst.

Before he made his change

He should have thought about it first!

So Bobby died alone

Among the cacti and the sand.

He got exactly what he wanted

But it wasn’t what he’d planned.

Bobby didn’t go to heaven,

Nor to limbo or to hell

Because there is no afterlife

For our heroic trans-camel.

So if you really want something

A little or a lot

Use Bobby’s tale of woe

To eliminate that thought!

๐Ÿฎ๐Ÿช๐Ÿ˜๐ŸŒตโ˜ ๏ธ๐Ÿ’ก๐Ÿ’”

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Death Metal Groupies

Just because your singing voice

Sounds like Jabba the Hutt

Imitating Bryan Adams

Gargling a cigarette butt

Run in slow-motion backwards

Mixed with satanic chants

And is voted less favorably

Than being bitten by ants

Doesn’t mean I don’t want to

Get into your pants.

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Rest in Pieces

Many a cliff has suffered,

Many a mountain fell,

Many a stone was carved upon

For a corpse’s age to tell.

And so I stand in memory

Of the headstones far and wide

Who gave their lives to lay

And tell us who here-lied.

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Somehow Rising Oceans Didn’t Show Up Either… Huh

29.34 percent of deaths

Were caused by heart disease.

23.04 were infections and

Parasitic causes (like fleas).

Cancer’s 12.49, stroke’s 9.66.

The next 20or so’s respiratory.

Then we get into small CoD’s

And a more interesting story:

War caused just .3 percent

Of death in recent times,

About the same as syphilis

And less than a third that of violent crimes.

More people died of tetanus

Than a decade of endless war.

You’ll more likely die of suicide

Than fighting on a distant shore.

And too low to show up,

Beneath .06 percent

I’m wondering where all the deaths

From firearm ownership went.

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Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)

This morning I woke up in Heaven

In my bed at 10:43.

The sun glowed gold. I smiled

And your face smiled back at me.

The coffee and breakfast was ready

With a whole day to spend with my queen.

I looked back at your face and realized

Your body was nowhere to be seen.

Turns out to awaken in Heaven

Is not always as nice as it seems,

Or so I discovered when angels

Began to harmonize songs with my screams.

As I woke back on Earth to the thunder

All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone

I realized Heaven’s got its downsides

And sometimes there’s no place like home.

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