I want National Geographic
To offer a promotion
Where everyone gets a free wild boar.
The results will be graphic
But I have the notion
The world’s average IQ will soar.
Tag Archives: Death
Where Do The Colonists Sign Up?
So when you die the tax man comes
To take of your estate
While you pay tax on a hospital bill,
Pine box, and granite slate,
Then wear taxed clothes to the funeral.
You’ll arrive in taxed-gas powered cars
Which is why I will die as an astronaut:
‘Cause there’s no taxes yet on Mars.
Filed under Poems
Everything Has A Purpose
He was born a maggot
And he grew into a fly
Until my cat got hold of him
And then he had to die.
We celebrate his passing
With a vigorous fist bump
For he reminded us our fat cat
Can manage still to jump.
Filed under Poems
Within Every Girl Is A Great Power, Waiting For These Words To Be Unleashed…
In animated TV shows
A girl will find a magic thing
And say a word like “Fairy glows”
And the world around her blooms and sings
And rainbows fly around her while
Her outfit morphs, her hair grows long,
And she becomes “Power Angel Smile”,
As beautiful as she is strong.
Armed with justice, power, and grace
She slays all who her oppose.
Who can stop her and erase
Her magic power? No one knows!
If you would see this transformation
And a woman gain this deadly crown
Just say “Babe, for your information
“You’re overreacting. Just calm down.”
Filed under Poems
Burning Flags
Many a child was inspired by a flag
To leave home on a bus and return in a bag,
To struggle and clash with another boy who
Was raised by a flag without red, white, or blue.
It may be a purpose to live under fire
Until you return or in glory expire,
But I seek a purpose where no flags will fly
And a world where no child is inspired to die.
Filed under Poems
If Only We Were Still Wearing Masks…
The bird flu killed my chicken.
It killed my brother’s duck.
I heard a peacock died as well
With just a sickly cluck.
The price of eggs is rising
But what worries me even more
Is how when all the planes die
Plane ticket costs will soar.
Filed under Poems
I WOULD RATHER GIVE SATAN’S PET PORCUPINE A BLOWJOB THAN HAVE FRONTIER INTERNET ONE MORE SECOND
Right now it’s been 21 minutes
Since I started loading my homework
And the first question still hasn’t loaded.
I imagine sometime in the future
When the sun is a distant memory
And perhaps the whole universe has imploded
I’ll finally look at my laptop
And see “Question 1 of 16”
Blinking at me from the shadows of collapsing stars…
Well, it’s been seven more minutes
Since I started writing this poem
So thank goodness my Wifi says I have three bars!
Edit: It’s Viasat, actually. (This is the Upgrade from Frontier. Leave none alive)
Filed under Poems
This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song
If the sun comes up tomorrow
And you no longer exist
You will not be scared or sad
Annoyed, confused, or pissed;
You will not suffer any pain
Or shed a single tear,
No longer prone to earthly woes,
‘Cause you’re no longer here!
If you cease to be a thing
Nothing will cause you harm.
You won’t regret the time you wasted
On your Facebook farm.
If the sun comes up tomorrow
And you’re absent from the dawn
You won’t mind when the whole world sings
“Thank God he’s finally gone!”
Filed under Poems
Transparency Matters
A ghost arrived in the afterlife
Having committed suicide.
The other ghosts surrounded him. “Oh dear!
“Why did you end your life like that?“
The new ghost said “Communication!
“The truth is I just wanted to be clear.”
Filed under Poems
Saving At The Pump
I met a lady buying gas
Who said her name was Penny.
There were ladies prettier,
But surely not too many.
As she was about to finish
Putting gas into her car
I saw her pull a lighter out
To ignite a cigar.
I rushed over and tackled her
Before the fire could start.
I explained why such a plan
Was neither safe nor smart.
I wish I could say that she
Would one day be my wife
Because I had wits quick enough
To save my Penny’s life…
But alas, the very next day
I wasn’t there, and she burned.
At least her cremation was free;
A Penny saved, a Penny urned.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 