Tag Archives: Death

Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)

This morning I woke up in Heaven

In my bed at 10:43.

The sun glowed gold. I smiled

And your face smiled back at me.

The coffee and breakfast was ready

With a whole day to spend with my queen.

I looked back at your face and realized

Your body was nowhere to be seen.

Turns out to awaken in Heaven

Is not always as nice as it seems,

Or so I discovered when angels

Began to harmonize songs with my screams.

As I woke back on Earth to the thunder

All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone

I realized Heaven’s got its downsides

And sometimes there’s no place like home.

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RIP Bob (1945-2014), Most Valuable Employee (2015-Present)

A lot of Toms and Dicks and Harrys

Think of death as something scary,

But I see little cause for fright

In the unknown of an endless night.

Say a chicken passed away.

Some would cry and weep and sway

But I would fry it in some lard

In lieu of writing a sympathy card.

So if a friend or neighbor dies

Would it not be equally wise

Not to equate God to a beast

But to sell the corpse to Fancy Feast?

And if you are the one to pass

Why not do it with some class?

You’re dead, but life need not end. How?

Well, some call centers are hiring now…

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Priorities

Gary was outnumbered

A thousand to one.

He had some chopsticks,

They all had guns,

But he screamed “for freedom!”

And charged at the rest.

I cried behind a rock and lived

So my battle cry was best.

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She’s Got Legs!

I see a little spider

Crawling up my leg.

A part of me is screaming!

It wants to plead and beg,

But as the beast gets closer

My mind begins to clear

And I realize that, in this spider,

I have nothing to fear.

And so I watch her scuttle

From my ankle to my knee.

My two green eyes watch her

And her eight black eyes watch me,

And as our eyes make contact

I feel our spirits join.

The spider and I are friends now

As she crawls over my groin.

The spider meets my pelvis.

She passes o’er my hips.

Where once they brought me horror

Her eyes could now sink ships.

Her silky brunette body

Tempts me towards an unnamed sin

And I find myself attracted

To a patch that looks like a violin.

The spider now is crawling

Onto my left pectoral

And my mind’s engaged in matters

Of arrangements marital and floral.

She crawls onto my neck now,

Her gorgeous eyes the size of fleas.

She’s nearly to my head now

And I’m nearly on my knees.

She crawls onto my soul patch

And one of her footies slips.

I catch it and replace it

And she crawls onto my lips.

A kiss! A kiss! How lovely

As her mandibles meet mine.

I slip off into a restful sleep

As on me she starts to dine.

I don’t wake up that evening,

Nor tomorrow, nor the next,

Yet dead and cold as I may be

I do not feel vexed.

So when you see such spiders

In their web or in their lair

Instead of giving them the Kleenex

Try to show them that you care.

For though you’ll never meet them

On account of being desiccated

Your eyes will fill with baby spiders

To which you just might be related.

The babies ask “where’s daddy?”

And mommy spider’ll have a chat

And then they’ll go find  love like us.

What’s more beautiful than that?

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Not Your Average Love

She was a starving art history student,

Forced by fate towards whatever was prudent,

Yet she had a temptation she could not evade…

A man, in a sense, who with her heart played.

He was the Egyptian God of the dead,

With unlimited power and an animal’s head,

Yet despite devestation he doled out at will

His heart had an urge that he just couldn’t kill.

Her focus was on just money and Monet.

All of existence was under his sway.

She spent her days in the study of cubists.

He spent his evenings just being Anubis.

Somehow the two met at a holiday party.

She thought him a bad boy. He thought her a smarty.

The exchanged numbers and met up for brunch.

She loved his mystique. He loved how her bones crunch.

Yet, deep as their love was, they each said good bye

For they’d not live together unless she would die.

So ends the tale of this starcrossed romance

Of a girl and a God, both with un-gotten-into-pants.

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Lullaby For A Cynical Man-Child

Grizzly bear

Sitting there

Playing with

My ex-wife’s hair.

He seems happy.

She seems dead.

Yes I’m morbid.

Now, off to bed.

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“Satan’s Bear Spray” Gets A New Band Member

Heavy metal music

Could really benefit

If the makers would include

More harmonicas in it,

‘Cause in between the screaming,

Angry lyrics, and casual sin

You might think the bands are scary.

That’s where harmonicas come in!

“I want to thrash your eyes out!”

Screams a man who’s nicknamed “Blight,”

Then the harmonica gently vibrates

As if to say “it’s all alright.”

It would be an innovation

To the predominant metal sound,

And you’d find cheerier venues

With more harmonicas around.

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